the sun

3 posts
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ude dude
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
Sat Apr 09, 2005 12:59 am
ude dude says... · Sat Apr 09, 2005 12:59 am
The Sun is a star
And a burning light illuminating the world
That you can see from afar

It is the colour of fire
Burning bright in the sky
It lights up the earth
In an orange blaze

As we twist around that ball in space
All parts of the world look at it face to face
with all its glory
shining high above our heads

~Ude Dude~
away
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ohhewwo
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 148
Sat Apr 09, 2005 3:32 am
ohhewwo says... · Sat Apr 09, 2005 3:32 am
Before I get to my crit, let me welcome you to YWS. "It rocks my face off!"

I can tell that you're trying, but, it's really bland and plain. It sounds so ... no offense ... fifth grade science project-y?

I mean, "The Sun is a star?" That is way too ... under-embelished. Again, too plain.

It seems like you're stating the obvious, which you are. "...it illuminates the world," ..."the colour of fire," "It lights up the earth..."(that just repeats line two).

You get my point.
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Liz
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 321
Sun Apr 10, 2005 3:42 am
Liz says... · Sun Apr 10, 2005 3:42 am
Yeah, try to break free from the cliches. It's hard to at first, but you can't write poetry if you're going to just write what we've all heard a thousand times. We know the sun is a star. Tell us something only you know.
purple sneakers
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3 posts


It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien