This is the second essay attempting to emulate Judy Brady's style in her essay "I Want a Wife." This one is about being a son.
I Want a Son
A son can be a very useful tool. They can accomplish all sorts of tasks that I don’t have time to complete. I am thinking about getting one so I can get some chores done and I have a little more free time to watch some TV. He couldn’t just be any son; he would have to meet some pretty rigorous guidelines.
I want a son who does everything I ask. Garbage, laundry, dishes, feed the dog, clean the garage, mow the yard, sweep the kitchen, clean the house, mop the floors, vacuum, scrub the toilets: all of these things should be chores he enjoys doing. Whatever job I am too tired to do (which is most of them) falls to him. Not only should he accomplish these tasks, but he should do them gladly. I don’t have the time or the energy to get this stuff done. He has to get it done. That’s just the way things are…
I want a son that has time for me. He shouldn’t have a social life of any form. No friends, no girls, no internet, no communication with the outside world. He should always be enthusiastic about having a heart-to-heart discussion with me. He will have a phone, but only so I can text him the list of things to do when he gets off work. He needs to be prepared to fetch the younger children at any hour of the day. After all, I have to work. And if I am not working, I am too tired to get them. His time schedule should revolve around the family’s best interests.
I want a son that has no hobbies. Hobbies are distractions from the reality of life. Acceptance of the rules of the World works is imperative. There will be no free spirits in my household. He will adhere to all precedents I have established in order to continue family traditions. His thoughts should constantly be on the family and not on his individual interests. If he fills his head with hobbies, there will be no room for the family.
I want a son that can achieve all goals I have set before him. Nothing should be unattainable. My son will have an iron will to succeed and the ability to do so. He will never question himself or his right to live the American dream. He will be completely and utterly self-confident so that he may never fall short of the almost impossible heights I have placed before him. He will never falter and he will always outdo the competition. My son will be a champion.
I want a son that is creative. My son will formulate new ideas and invent new things to share with the world. He will be brilliant. His creations will inspire people to be their best. He will be a model for others to follow. People’s lives will made easier by the things he brings into the world. Life will be better because of him…
A son like this would be a fun thing to have. He could take care of all the housework and chores. He would also make you proud and improve the lives of future generations by his existence. He would be ideal. As long as you can custom order him. If not, I guess you would just have to settle like everyone else. But it seems that this type of son would be perfect. I may have to look into how to get one…
