Young Writers Society


Rise and Fall by Moonlight

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Points 890
Reviews 26
Enter night-time, a perfect shadow
A perfect bed sheet, this perfect nightfall
The glowing streetlights
Like a nightlight
The glowing shepherd, the glowing shepherd
Across this valley, footprints I heard
with the rhythm of a girl’s heartbeat
quicken with defeat, quicken with deceit
let’s hear your breathing rate
Lower with your calls
I want to feel your chest
feel it rise and fall

Sitting at the café contemplating bonds
And how we’re going to keep them
The watch hands rise and fall
Our gazes rise to meet them
The arms dance around each other
But the eyes just don’t move
Let’s dance around each other
No imagination in untruths

Enter months and, enter the years
The glowing cheeks that I came to fear
Your heavy collapse
My heavy relapse
The empty bottles, the empty bottles
Sirens on the meadow, roars on full throttle
we feel the lips that we’re not keeping close
To our hearts for fear of lethal doses
Let’s hear your breathing rate
Lower with the moonlight
If all hell broke loose
I’d be it’s rise and fall

Sitting at the café contemplating bonds
And how we’re going to keep them
The watch hands rise and fall
Our gazes rise to meet them
The arms dance around each other
But the eyes just don’t move
Let’s dance around each other
No imagination in untruths

I felt luck, cross the bridge I broke down
I felt love, cross the hopes I knocked down
The stars I cannot see, is the star I cannot feel
The wound I cannot treat is you
No fear, the perfect medicine is here
No fear, the perfect medicine is here…

Your perfect voice and
Your perfect silence
Your perfect whispers
Your perfect violence
Your perfect whispers
Your perfect silence



So yeah... Thoughts?

Based on events that actually happened and naturally, made the most simple of movements become a poetic stanza


Hope you like
Last edited by ScarletMonkey on Tue Dec 04, 2007 4:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 19
Oh hello sexual inuendos.
I absolutely love this piece.
It makes me giddy inside.
I can totally see this hitting top 40.


I'd have issues with the repitition if it were a poem,
but no, I really like it :]

Much love,
P.
NOOO!
THEYRE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!
Bffl if you readTHIS




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 26
I'd have issues with the repitition if it were a poem
Yeah these are lyrics

So it's not an actual poem, thus repetition is meant to fit in with the music that accompanies it

And thanks for the loving words
It's my first time :)
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 441
I have issues with reading songs when I don't know the beat... So I will do my best.
Is this rap? Because generally I don't like rap stories... They get on my nerves. Its like so fast and hard to understand...
Can you give us some clues on who is singing what little paragraph... Is it in a high voice or a low voice?
Common cut us some slack here...
Other than that I didn't really like it. Its got a good story to it but I just don't like those types of songs.




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Points 1609
Reviews 602
I really liked the imagery in this, besides the kissing and the bottles. And the chest thing. xD
But that's because I'm, well, what can I say..I'm 12!
Overall, I thought this was really good. There are bits that I didn't understand, but, I'm 12! :P
Keep writing,
Ayra :wink:
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 26
Common cut us some slack here...
It's hard to post beats, music etc. Music is meant to be heard
I get what you're saying though, it's always difficult to read lyrics I think, this isn't a rap, the lines are meant to be sang slowly by a male, in a reasonably high sort of voice.

Either way it's your interpretation
Thanks for the input anyway

There are bits that I didn't understand, but, I'm 12!


Yeah sorry, to be fair this was based on a fairly 'adult' situation so it was hard to venture away from that

Thanks for your input too!
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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Gender Male
Points 5238
Reviews 174
Hello Scarlet Monkey,

I've before that I'm not a poetry expert but I am rather fond of lyrics. I liked the following part the most:

Enter night-time, a perfect shadow
A perfect bed sheet, this perfect nightfall

The term "bed sheet" was really innovative and I've never seen in with that use or context. However to be perfectly honest, I had no clue those lines were fell under lyrics and not poetry, although I hate that comparison as those two can be very different. The ending seems to not define that it is an ending and if just seems as though it can go on forever. Now that my criticism is over I think it would be well worth it if you are committed to review this piece if these were lyrics to a pop, rock or even an alternative indie rock song . Otherwise good work and since it's your first time, I suggest as before that if you are committed or are just doing these lyrics for spare time that you try to create and define a beat or rhythm as best as possible. My comment sounded a bit harsh but really it was just constructive criticism and no offence was meant to you or your work.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky




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Points 890
Reviews 26
Hello Mr EliteHusky

I'm glad you enjoyed my mention the the word 'bed-sheet', it's actually quite under-appreciated and I'm very sad to hear that no one else uses it. I'm glad for your criticism as it points out a terrible quality in my writing that i've been aware of ever since I started the hobby:

I'm not good with endings to poems or lyrics

I find it easier with lyrics due to the fact that you can point out that the music simply fades out at this point, however I agree with you and would gladly accept any 'pointers' on how to end this particular song

I'm not sure if posting replies to each seperate comment is allowed so I hope you'll excuse me :)
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 7
Wow. I loved this. I feel the fun, sneaky, sexy vibe between the singer and his/her object of affection. And the breakdown towards the end was great. If this was really made into song, I think I'd play it over and over.




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 247
HELlo.

Wow, I have, like, nothing bad to say about this. I mean, I have no idea what was going on, but I just GOT it. Dark, passionate imagery and emotion. Very cool indeed. Just one thing. Could you consider getting rid of the word, "gonna?" I think it ruins it.

Keep writing! This was amazing!
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 96
Enter months and, enter the years
The glowing cheeks that I came to fear
Your heavy collapse
My heavy relapse
The empty bottles, the empty bottles
Sirens on the meadow, roars on full throttle
we feel the lips that we’re not keeping close
To our hearts for fear of lethal doses
Let’s hear your breathing rate
Lower with the moonlight
If all hell broke loose
I’d be it’s rise and fall


I love this line. It's so full of emotions. This is like a song of Rise Against.



Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan