Jingle bells

This will be in the Jingle bells tune.
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VERSE ONE

Running towards a sale,
Trying to get there first,
But then you fall and fail,
You're sure your shoes are cursed,
The clearance now is gone,
And you burst into big tears,
All the way to the next dawn,
And then you say oh dear!


CHORUS

Oh Jingle bells,
Ringing cells,
Pink designer shoes,
Oh what fun it is to shop,
A lot until you drop. (2)
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I still have not thought of the second verse yet!
This is something silly I wrote while I was really bored!

Haha!
That was hilarious! I love it! It completely fits into the tune of Jingle Bells! xD

Oh Jingle bells,
Ringing cells,
Pink designer shoes,
Oh what fun it is to shop,
A lot until you drop. (2)

I think you should change that last line to: 'To shop until you drop' or 'Just shop until you drop'.

Overall, this was awesome.
Keep up the great work,
Ayra

Hahahhah! I loved it! This was very clever, and all went well until the last line, that she ^^ pointed out. Lol, this was very good. I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

This was seriously funny.


BBB

Haha, cute.

Running towards a sale,
Trying to get there first

This implies that the second syllable, not the first, of the word "Trying" would be emphasized. We normally say, "TRY-ing," but this changes it to the more unnatural "try-ING". Find another word.

And you burst into big tears

This might be better as "And you break down into tears." Well, that wasn't a great change, but this sounds awkward because the phrase is normally "burst into tears."

I agree with the others regarding the last line of the chorus.

Good stuff.
-Colleen

*hihihihihihihihihi* This was great fun to read! It matches "jingle bells" exactly and is very well done. All the critical points were already mentioned, so I can just say: Way cool^^

Keep it up,
~ Kalli

Lol, very very funny and fits the tune great!

I'd say change this,

And you burst into big tears,

The "big" jars the rythym. Just "tears" should be fine.

Haha! That is so funny, and it fits really well excpet for the last bit. I sang it out loud and the last two lines didn't seem to quite fit.

But it was really funny!

It was funny. I have 2 suggestions though.

And you burst into big tears

I agree with Cade. You should change that line because it's a bit awkward if you read it. I know it sounds good and goes with the flow with the melody but it's awkward.

Oh Jingle bells,
Ringing cells,
Pink designer shoes,
Oh what fun it is to shop,
A lot until you drop.

Like what Ayra said, I think you should change the last line so it would sound better grammatically. You should change it to, "To shop until you drop." It's like your incorporating a phrase into your song and it brings more power into your song (Sorry for the word, power. I forgot the proper word.).

Other than that your song is good. You should do the other verses.

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Acoustic Sensitivity, the Man on the Side

" Now you played hard in here, people, and I am proud of every last stinking one of you. So let's just give this everything we got. We may fall on our faces, but if we do, we will fall with dignity! With a guitar in our hands, and rock in our hearts! And in the words of AC/DC: "We roll tonight to the guitar bite, and for those about to rock, I salute you."

-Jack Black, School of Rock

I never really crit lyrics and stuff, but I saw this. It's really good, it made me laugh!

I'm more of a grammar geek, btw. There's be some punctuation changes. ^_^

Running towards a sale,

Towards is good, but I always thought it seemed awkward when used...always. =/ You could also say, "Running for the sale" since you are going for one sale.

Trying to get there first,

I see people are having trouble with this word, and I fumbled on it too when singing it in my head. However, there's really no other word unless you use 'tough'. =/ You could write the word as tryin' with that apostrophe rather than the g. It'll work better. ^_^

But then you fall and fail,

Punctuation counts for lyrics as well. ^_^ A period should be at the end of this line.

And you burst into big tears,
All the way to the next dawn,

People are having trouble here too. Well, it doesn't even fit the melody. =/ Just delete 'big' and you're good to go!

Also, this second line is awkward to me. I don't know many songs that puts the word 'the' in the melody like you did. Those high notes at the end here usually hold more significant nouns like "laugh and sing". Could we change it to, like...Oh, I know!

And you burst into tears.
You start crying all night long
And mope the next ten years.

Lol, it's kinda whipped up from scratch, but it's an example.

And then you say oh dear!

If you decide to keep this line, the punctuation is off. And then you say, "Oh dear!"

Oh, Jingle bells,
Ringing cells,
Pink designer shoes,

Period or exclamation point at the end. I usually put exclamation points at the end of sentences in songs like these, but that's not widely accepted.

Oh, what fun it is to shop,
A lot until you drop.

The others made up a very good last line to replace yours. I agree, grammatically, it's not the best I've seen. ^^;

Oh, what fun it is to shop--
to shop until you drop!

I still have not thought of the second verse yet!

Is there really two verses? How exciting!

This is something silly I wrote while I was really bored!

I wish I could think of silly things when I'm bored.

This made me smile today. Very good job! ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!