AGENDA 1

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Anne Taylor is not a normal girl. She never was, never will be. As she walked to her school, it was obvious that she realized this. A crowd, snickering, had gathered by the icy road. Her face bluntly showed how she felt, and it would only earn her more teasing. Every day was like this; she was treated like an outsider. Am I really that different, she thought. Guess so, she answered. This thought only depressed her more. She thought it couldn’t get worse, at least.

If you wanted to know what was wrong with Anne Taylor, you could ask any of the youth in Aberlay. She was stuck up and rude, and had never done an interesting or daring thing in her thirteen year-old life. Of course, Anne didn’t know this. Why would she? Not like anyone would talk to her anyways.

It was all her parents fault, some would say. They were the richest in all of south Aberlay. Considering everyone considered Aberlay “ghetto”, you can see how such a rich, stuck-up family wouldn’t feel at home.

The skies were clear: a wondrous, gleaming blue. It had snowed the night before, and white frosted the ground, the pavement rarely peeking up from underneath. All the buildings were brick, one story slums. The school was three stories, with well worn brass work on the doors and windows. It wasn’t too hard to guess who paid for it.

The silence shattered in an instant, as a huge BIRD passed overhead. The children all oohed and aahed, but the bells inevitable ringing sent Anne running. An iced over piece of pavement grabbed at her feet as she tripped and fell, tumbling.

“Look guys, Anne tripped over her own feet again. I guess those gold-toed boots are too heavy for you, Anne! Look guys, I’m Anne!” The girl who was talking pretended to trip, hamming it up until Anne’s face turned Cherry red. The seeming mob of people who had gathered round was laughing as if laughter would soon turn obsolete.

“Nice, Marie!” someone screamed from the crowd.

Marie walked closer too Anne, staring her straight in the eye. Anne turned her glance to the BIRD that was now on the horizon. It had looked like her mother’s, and it got her mind of her bully.

“Listen to me, bitch, because I’m only gonna say this once. You don’t belong here. Nobody wants you here. Go home to your stupid little parents and stop making fun of yourself. It‘s getting old.” Anne felt wetness on her face, and let out a long sigh. She wasn’t going to take this anymore.

I shouldn’t do this, Anne thought. It won’t do anything. But maybe it would. She was tired of being mocked and doing nothing about it. Her face tightened, and her fists tightened. She stared Marie right in the eye.

“What you gonna do, huh?” Her mocker pushed her into the wall of the crowd, with literally four dozen people chanting.

“Fight, fight, fight!”

Anne thought to herself again. She made up her mind. It wasn’t worth it, fighting. Mom would want me to be strong.

Marie stood shocked, the crowds mouths on the ground.

Anne had just walked away. She heard the crowds mumbling reactions, and smirked herself. Why don’t I do this more often, she pondered. She didn’t really have an answer to that one.

--------------------------------

The lunch bell rang. Three tables loomed in the lunchroom: one centered in the room and two others pushed against the wall. They were long and grand, each big enough for three blocks to be seated spaciously. The middle table was the only one ever occupied by many people. Marie was one of them. Anne was not. But Anne wouldn’t sit alone anymore. She made it a goal, and added it to a piece of paper she had snatched from the waste bin.

1. Don’t sit alone

She made a goal to always write her goals on this piece of paper. “Oh, wait!” she whispered to herself.

1. Don’t sit alone.
2. Always write goals on this piece of paper (- :


Anne couldn’t help laughing. Life was better when you aren’t depressed. She didn’t want to be depressed anymore. She would have written that as a goal, but Anne figure two goals was enough for one day.

A boy about her age sat at one of the side tables, far away from Marie. At least he has good taste in seating, Anne thought. Her face turned red again, but for a different reason than normal.

He didn’t look very mean, so she plopped down right beside him.

“Hi, are you new here? I’ve never seen you before. I can help you around if you need…” she cut off. His head was turned away, and as if he was in a trance, he didn‘t even acknowledge that she was talking to him. Something Anne wasn’t used too. When she talked, people either pretended to listen (she was rich, after all), or mocked her. He wasn’t doing either!

“Excuse me!” Anne said, agitated. He turned, and grabbed a salt-shaker from a basket in front of Anne. He doubled back, realizing someone was next to him. He looked scared, like this was a new and horrible experience, just seeing a girl sit next to him.

All he could manage to say was “go away”.

Anne was taken back. Who was this kid, she asked herself. She turned her back, hoping the kid would say sorry. It didn’t happen, but she didn’t mind having the company there. A quarter hour later, and she decided to try greeting again.

“Sorry…”

He never replied, because the bell rang then, but Anne had not seen the last of this strange child.

--------------------------------

A distance away, a woman was spying through her telescope through the large window in the school building. A BIRD made her lose focus on her target. “Dammit,” she muttered. But she had seen enough.

“The rich little bitch.”
"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A felon!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yah! This kid at school says they get all the girls!"
"I should try that..."




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Nice opening! I rather like this, Anne is an easy character to relate to, and this time you did a nice job of letting us get into her head.

You might want to make some edits for spelling and grammar, and it might look better if Anne's thoughts went in italics.

.... admittedly I'm very tired and not coherent today, but I really can't find any story flaws or anything wrong with the writing. You did a very nice job!
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Oh, wow. I liked this.

However, I have a problem with the narrator. It's like a bizarre cross of third and first person. It makes it hard to really get into the story, because I keep wondering if Anne is the main character, or the person who's narrating. You do a lot of telling, not showing, and I think that could be fixed by sticking strictly to Anne's head.

Anne's character is confusing. She seems like a bright, friendly, amiable person, but you say she's rich and stuck-up. From the first chapter, it doesn't work. If she's rude, make her act rude!

It was all her parents fault, some would say. They were the richest in all of south Aberlay


This rhymes. :D

Other than that, very well done. I liked the lunch room scene. Is that boy deaf? I'll probably find out in upcoming chapters.

You ended with a brilliant hook. I can't wait to read more.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Hello Jonny911,
My congratulations on a well written piece. You made Anne a very real and lovable character. Underlined below are my suggestions and questions.



Anne Taylor is not a normal girl. She never was, never will be. As she walked to her school, it was obvious that she realized this. A snickering crowd had gathered by the icy road. Her face bluntly showed how she felt, and it would only earn her more teasing. Every day was like this; she was treated like an outsider. Am I really that different? she wondered. Guess so, she answered. This thought only depressed her more. She thought, It couldn’t get worse at least.

If you wanted to know what was wrong with Anne Taylor, you could ask any of the youth in Aberlay. She was stuck up and rude, and had never done an interesting or daring thing in her thirteen year-old life. Of course, Anne didn’t know this. Why would she? Not like anyone would talk to her anyways.

It was all her parents fault, some would say. They were the richest in all of south Aberlay. Considering everyone considered Aberlay “ghetto”, you can see how such a rich, stuck-up family wouldn’t feel at home.

The skies were a clear, wondrous, gleaming blue. It had snowed the night before and white frosted the ground. The pavement rarely peeking up from underneath. All the buildings were brick, one story slums. The school was three stories, with well worn brass work on the doors and windows. It wasn’t too hard to guess who paid for it.

The silence was shattered in an instant, as a huge BIRD -why is bird in all caps?- passed overhead. The children all oohed and aahed, but the bell’s inevitable ringing sent Anne running. An iced over piece of pavement grabbed at her feet as she tripped and fell, tumbling. -Is tumbling necessary?-
“Look guys, Anne tripped over her own feet again. I guess those gold-toed boots are too heavy for you, Anne! Look guys, I’m Anne!” The girl who was talking pretended to trip, hamming it up until Anne’s face turned cherry red. The seeming mob of people who had gathered round was laughing as if laughter would soon turn obsolete.

“Nice, Marie!” someone screamed from the crowd.

Marie walked closer to Anne, staring her straight in the eye. Anne turned her glance to the BIRD that was now on the horizon. It had looked like her mother’s, and it got her mind off her bully.

“Listen to me bitch, because I’m only gonna say this once. You don’t belong here. Nobody wants you here. Go home to your stupid little parents and stop making fun of yourself. It‘s getting old.” Anne felt wetness on her face, and let out a long sigh. She wasn’t going to take this anymore.

I shouldn’t do this, Anne thought. It won’t do anything. But maybe it would. –is this her still thinking?- She was tired of being mocked and doing nothing about it. Her face and fists tightened. She stared Marie right in the eye.

“What are you gonna do, huh?” Her mocker pushed her into the wall of the crowd, with literally four dozen people chanting.

“Fight, fight, fight!”

Anne thought to herself again. She made up her mind. It isn't worth fighting. Mom would want me to be strong. Marie stood shocked, the crowd’s mouths on the ground.

Anne had just walked away. She heard the crowds mumbling reactions, and smirked to herself. Why don’t I do this more often? she pondered. She didn’t really have an answer to that one.

--------------------------------

The lunch bell rang. Three tables loomed in the lunchroom[u];[/u] one centered in the room and two others pushed against the wall. They were long and grand, each big enough for three blocks to be seated spaciously. The middle table was the only one ever occupied by many people. Marie was one of them, Anne was not. But Anne wouldn’t sit alone anymore. She made it a goal, and added it to a piece of paper she had snatched from the waste bin.

1. Don’t sit alone

Oh, wait!” she whispered to herself. She made another goal to always write her goals on this piece of paper.

1. Don’t sit alone.
2. Always write goals on this piece of paper (- :

Anne couldn’t help laughing. Life was better when you aren’t depressed. She didn’t want to be depressed anymore. She would have written that as a goal, but Anne figured two goals was enough for one day.

A boy about her age sat at one of the side tables, far away from Marie. At least he has good taste in seating, Anne thought. Her face turned red again, but for a different reason than normal.

He didn’t look very mean, so she plopped down right beside him.

“Hi, are you new here? I’ve never seen you before. I can help you around if you need…” she cut off. His head was turned away, and as if he was in a trance he didn‘t even acknowledge that she was talking to him. This was something Anne wasn’t used too. When she talked, people either pretended to listen (she was rich, after all), or mocked her. He wasn’t doing either!

Excuse me!” Anne said in an agitated tone. He turned and grabbed a salt-shaker from a basket in front of Anne. He doubled back, realizing someone was next to him. He looked scared, like this was a new and horrible experience, just seeing a girl sit next to him.

All he could manage to say was “go away”.

Anne was taken aback. Who was this kid? she asked herself. She turned her back, hoping the kid would say sorry. It didn’t happen, but she didn’t mind having the company there. A quarter of an hour later, she decided to try the greeting again.
“Sorry…”

He never replied, because the bell rang then, but Anne had not seen the last of this strange child.

--------------------------------

A distance away, a woman was spying through her telescope through the large window in the school building. A BIRD made her lose focus on her target. “Dammit” she muttered. But she had seen enough.

“The rich little bitch.”


I look forward to reading more from you. :D

-Falcon_Ablaze
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I would drop the capitals on "bird." It's just a bird, right?
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Hey, yeah, this was okay. I really felt for Anne, don't we all? It was paced about right and the grammar and punctuation were pretty good for the most part. I'm not sure how much of what I'm telling you has already been said, but here goes.

The narration was a little weird like Fangala said- a blend of 1st and 3rd person. Thoughts generally do better in italics, although it distracts some people. If the story was in 1st person, you wouldn't want thoughts in italics, though. You can write thoughts this way too:

This is so dumb, he thought. It would work better the other way.

So as for nit-picky things...

Anne Taylor is not a normal girl. She never was, never will be. As she walked to her school, it was obvious that she realized this. A crowd, snickering, had gathered by the icy road. Her face bluntly showed how she felt, and it would only earn her more teasing. Every day was like this; she was treated like an outsider. Am I really that different, she thought. Guess so, she answered. This thought only depressed her more. She thought it couldn’t get worse, at least.


I would have a new paragraph after the first sentence. I would have another paragraph when she starts to think to herself.
f you wanted to know what was wrong with Anne Taylor, you could ask any of the youth in Aberlay. She was stuck up and rude, and had never done an interesting or daring thing in her thirteen year-old life. Of course, Anne didn’t know this. Why would she? Not like anyone would talk to her anyways.


Anne doesn't seem like a stuck up, rude person. I might just cut out this sentence or add that Anne sure didn't think she was rude. Either way, Anne seems like a very nice girl of whom people are envious.
The children all oohed and aahed, but the bells inevitable ringing sent Anne running.


Bells? Ringing? What bells are ringing and why? Info, please.
Anne was taken back. Who was this kid, she asked herself.


There should be a question mark in there.

“The rich little bitch.”


Okay, it was just a little distracting that this rhymed. How about "Wealthy little bitch" of "The spoiled little bitch"?

Anyway, good job. This was intriguing and I liked Anne, even if she is a little cliche.
'Merikuh!




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Yay, that was quick.
First of all, BIRD is supposed to be in caps
Second, YAY
Finally, all you people ROCK!
"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A felon!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yah! This kid at school says they get all the girls!"
"I should try that..."




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Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 5
If the "BIRD" is supposed to be in all caps, put it in italics or quotes to show that it's not a real bird.

“Hi, are you new here? I’ve never seen you before. I can help you around if you need…” she cut off. His head was turned away, and as if he was in a trance, he didn‘t even acknowledge that she was talking to him. Something Anne wasn’t used too. When she talked, people either pretended to listen (she was rich, after all), or mocked her. He wasn’t doing either!

It seems like she's rambling on a little bit.

Overall, it was a great concept and good piece of literature.



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