Pyra: The rise of the Phoenix Chapter 1

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Chapter 1

Slowly the sun began to lower into it's red fortress for the night. The king watched it on top of a hill, waiting for darkness to come. When the first star appeared in the sky he rode his great stallion, Spark, into the dark forest. Everything was quiet, except for the soft breathing of his daughter, which he held in his arms.

A glimpse of light caught the king's eye as he went deeper into the darkness. Spark came to a stop, then lowered himself to the ground. The king jumped off onto the wet, soft, bed of the earth's floor. The baby let out a soft cry, but her eyes remained closed. In the night, when she was sleep, the king had grabbed her, making sure he didn't disturb his wife. No one could know of the King's plans...it was too dangerous.
Bring her too me. She will be safe. Come my son, come.

The king followed the voice, holding his daughter close. As he walked, the ground underneath his feet began to sink. Thinking this was a trap, the king took off running, but as he ran he began to sink farther into the earth.

Calm down, my son. It's okay.

Listening to the voice, the king let himself be devoured by the earth's floor. He covered his daughter with the cloak that was around his back, to keep the dirt out of her eyes. As he sank farther into the earth; warmth began to embrace his legs, and a sudden calmness blanketed his heart. Looking down he could see a candlelit room with stone walls.
"Finally." a voice exclaimed.

"All these years I thought you were dead." the king said, landing on the hard floor.

"Dragonus, I'm not the guy who you used to call father anymore." the voice said, sighing.

Dragonus turned around to find a fiery orange dragon staring at him. His eyes began to falter, and anger washed over his face.

"Sparkas, who did this to you?" Dragonus asked, angrily.

"I will not tell you, son. Right now, we need to focus on the Phoenix." Sparkas replied, firmly.

"Was it Peron, father?" Dragonus asked.

"My brother has done some terrible things that will soon be corrected. Son, please don't be angry I am still with you. Besides, you are king, and as long as the crown sits on top of your head, Peron is nothing compared to you." Sparkas replied, sadly.

"I am not a king, father. When you stepped down, I thought I was ready to take your place, but ever since then the kingdom has been going down hill. The Artics and Ica are planning to attack us, and I've heard they've gotten stronger. Now that I have a daughter, I'm afraid she won't live..." Dragonus cried, sadly.

"My son, I know the age of the kings is dying down, but you can put an end to all that. In my eyes you will always be a great ruler. And when the time comes your daughter will rule like you, strong and wise." Sparkas said, bowing down to Dragonus.

"Don't bow down to me. Once you find out what I've come here to do, you have my permission to call me a coward." Dragonus said, bitterly.

"I know why you carry that dagger, and I only hope what I'm about to show you changes your mind. Do you remember this room?" Sparkas asked.

"Yes of course, I got married down here, but I don't recall it ever being here, in this particular spot. What's your point?" Dragonus replied, looking around.

"I had it moved so that our family's past could be preserved. Well anyways, on these wall are pictures of past kings and queens of Flames. You know the Flaminions were very powerful, that's why they call us the king Planet..." Sparkas started slowly

"Yes I know father, make your point." Dragonus said, impatiently.

"They call us the King Planet not only because the Flaminion family is very powerful, but because this is the land of Kings. Your great-grandfather, Robeus Flaminion, was the first king of Flames. He ruled with an iron fist, but he knew what he was doing. I believe Pyra inherited her gift from him, you see Robeus was one of the first Sun's of the magic world. At the time he was..." Sparkas started.

"Robeus was evil, if Pyra inherited anything from him her life needs to end now. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't want her suffering the pain we all have suffered." Dragonus snapped, drawing the dagger.

"Wait, son, please. The Phoenix is not always evil, if you show it nothing but love then it'll love in return. There are other ways to solve this problem that has been bestowed upon you!" Sparkas exclaimed, angrily.

"How?" Dragonus asked, sadly.

"Well getting back to Robeus, before he killed himself he went on a trip to find his 'mental balance.' On this said trip it is believed that he found another planet. On his deathbed he told Chandelara, his wife, of his findings. Chandelara wrote down everything Robeus told her, and hid the notes away. My mother found those notes, and on my twenty-fifth birthday, she gave them to me." Sparkas explained, slowly.

"How is this going to help me?" Dragonus asked, suddenly intrigued.

"Well in these notes, Robeus talked about this planet as if it were the most extraordinary thing in the world. He said when he landed, he saw that the atmosphere was different, and that no one had magical powers. During his time there he concluded that this place was safe, and that no one in the magical world knew of it. When I read over the notes, I knew that one day this planet would come in handy. Son, I suggest that you think about sending Pyra there, because Pyra may be the last, rightful heir to the Flaminion throne." Sparkas replied.

Dragonus looked down at his daughter, who was fully awake now. Her beautiful blue oceans stared back at him. Tears rolled down his eyes as he thought about what he was going to do his innocent daughter.

"Father, I am a king, and tomorrow, my daughter will be known as Princess Pyra of Flames, the guardian of Phoenix." Dragonus said, smiling.

"Yes you are king, and one day this beautiful girl will be our queen. Now you must go before the sun reaches the peak of the mountains." Sparkas said, tears in his eyes.

"When will I see you again...I mean I want you to be in my daughter's life?" King Dragonus asked.

"When she is old enough, I'll be there." Sparkas replied.

King Dragonus thought about his father's last words as he rode down the hill towards his kingdom. He hoped that time would give his daughter a chance to meet the man who made so many sacrifices for his family to be together.

When Dragonus reached his palace he sighed tiredly. Sweat trickled down his face, and fear filled his reddened eyes. It was a long ride. He hoped his wife didn't wake up because if she did she would panic if he wasn't lying next her.

He quickly secured Spark in the stable, and entered through the secret entrance that led to a hallway inside the palace. Pyra started to whine as he moved down the hallway. He held her close to his face, ashamed at what he was going to do to her tonight.

Dragonus heard footsteps coming from the next hall. There were a lot of people who lived in the house, so it could have been anyone. His heart was beating out of control now. A door nearby was open, so he decided slip into it before the mysterious person saw him. He closed the door behind him, and closed his eyes. He let out a sigh of relief, but began to frown when a loud shriek came from Pyra.

The footsteps got closer and closer, louder and louder, heavier and heavier. Time seemed to have stood still for a moment, when the footsteps suddenly stopped.




It was a beautiful day at the Kingdom of Flames. Everyone on the planet was invited to a party that celebrated the birth of Princess Pyra.
" Today I would like to toast on the future of Flames which will be in the hands of my young daughter Pyra once she is old enough. Also, I would like to toast the Phoenix let its flame always burn." King Dragonus said placing the necklace of the Phoenix around his daughters neck
After the toast everyone was seated and began to talk and eat. Suddenly the King's mighty guards burst into the Great dinning hall and screamed,
" The knones have broke open the kingdom gates they're coming this way !!! "
" Gretchen, take Pyra to the throne room. If the knones get you do whatever you got to do to protect the Phoenix she's the only thing we've got!!" cried Queen Athille
" Everyone! Get ready to fight! We can't let the knones take her." commanded King Dragonus
Gretchen ran down the hall, but stopped when Pyra started crying
" Rock-a-bye Princess on her throne
When you're old enough you'll be on your own
To rule the Phoenix
So sleep my little princess soon you'll have what you wish." Gretchen sang softly
Soon Pyra stopped crying and went to sleep.
" Search the castle for that baby now that the King and Queen are dead we have the run of the place!" a woman's voice commanded
Gretchen ran around the corner but tripped on her dress. The baby fell to the ground and started to cry.
" Shhh Pyra you have to be quiet." Gretchen said softly
Gretchen could feel the knones footsteps coming her way so she got up and grabbed the baby.
" Ole Esperiomes thronus. " Gretchen said then a bright purple shield formed around her and transported her to the throne room
" Hello Gretchen what you got there may I see?" asked a woman with long white hair
" No Ica you can't have the Phoenix without going through me first." Gretchen screamed
" Oh, Gretchen you’re so funny I swear you are, but I think this is more funny." Ica said shooting a light at her
Gretchen fell over in pain and dropped the baby. She tried to reach over and grab Pyra but she was stuck to the ground by some ice.
" Thank you for the show Gretchen it was hilarious. But my favorite part is the surprise ending where I get all the power." Ica said laughing
" King Dragonus will kill you if you do anything to his daughter." Gretchen replied
" Too bad I got the first blow. Now shut up I have the Phoenix to steal." Ica said picking up the baby
" Spirit of King Dragonus
Come and save us." Gretchen chanted
Then a light so bright filled the room. Ica had to shield her eyes but that meant dropping the baby. Then the hands of the spirit dragon grabbed the baby and wrapped around it. The light suddenly disappeared and the baby was gone.
" What did you do with the Phoenix you fool? No answer well let's see if you want to think it over in here for eternity. Stonus Eternis." Ica screamed angrily
The Palace of Flames turned into a stone box and monsters arose from the ground.
" Overheat." Gretchen said as her body started to glow the ice around her melted
Gretchen stood up and faced Ica tiny flames were blazing in her eyes.
" If you kill me, this building comes crashing down. I am the heart of this palace so Ica if you want to play with me have all the fun you want." Gretchen said firmly
Ica started to throw an Ice bomb at Gretchen, but the spirit dragon gobbled her up.
" Mark my words Gretchen, my generation will capture the Phoenix, and arise the Army of Despair and when they do Flames and all the other realms will be theirs. And your precious Princess Pyra will freeze in their presence." Ica said but her words only sounded like the wind for she was no more.[i]
Last edited by Angel of Death on Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:13 pm, edited 6 times in total.




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I have to admit... I didn't read this. :oops:

It's just too long. Try posting one chapter at a time, then you will get more views and crits. Also, space out your paragraphs (even dialogue) so that it isn't just one HUGE block of text.

Please PM me when you have changed those two things, and I will be sure to give you a review :wink:


Happy Writing!
~Azila~




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Hi ^-^V...... :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

It was a beautiful day at the Kingdom of Flames. Everyone on the planet was invited to a party that celebrated the birth of Princess Pyra.
" Today I would like to toast on the future of Flames which will be in the hands of my young daughter Pyra once she is old enough. Also, I would like to toast the Phoenix. let its flame always burn." King Dragonus said placing the necklace of the Phoenix around his daughters neck


I suggest you embellish this. Give us more details. What is the day like? Why is this happening?? The bold is a correction :D:D:D Take out the "he said/she said" of the dialogue, and make it a paragraph.
Hmm... inviting everyone on the planet? Does Dragonus have any enemies? ;)

After the toast everyone was seated and began to talk and eat. Suddenly the King's mighty guards burst into the Great dinning hall and screamed,
" The knones have broke open the kingdom gates they're coming this way !!! "
" Gretchen, take Pyra to the throne room. If the knones get you do whatever you got to do to protect the Phoenix she's the only thing we've got!!" cried Queen Athille
" Everyone! Get ready to fight! We can't let the knones take her." commanded King Dragonus


Whoa!! This is really sudden. We need more backround before you have tha bad guys come. I suggest you reword the bold sentence, because it sounds a little strange. :)

Gretchen ran down the hall, but stopped when Pyra started crying

This doesn't make sense. Gretchen shouldn't stop when Pyra is crying. She should keep going.

" Rock-a-bye Princess on her throne
When you're old enough you'll be on your own
To rule the Phoenix
So sleep my little princess soon you'll have what you wish." Gretchen sang softly
Soon Pyra stopped crying and went to sleep


I'm a little confused here. Why would she rule the Phoenix? I thought her country was the Land of Flames.

" Search the castle for that baby now that the King and Queen are dead we have the run of the place!" a woman's voice commanded

I don't see the relevance in this part. Gretchen could just hear the woman shout something about the baby, and that would be enough. :)

Gretchen ran around the corner but tripped on her dress. The baby fell to the ground and started to cry.
" Shhh Pyra you have to be quiet." Gretchen said softly
Gretchen could feel the knones footsteps coming her way so she got up and grabbed the baby.
" Ole Esperiomes thronus. " Gretchen said then a bright purple shield formed around her and transported her to the throne room
" Hello Gretchen what you got there may I see?" asked a woman with long white hair
" No Ica you can't have the Phoenix without going through me first." Gretchen screamed
" Oh, Gretchen you’re so funny I swear you are, but I think this is more funny." Ica said shooting a light at her
Gretchen fell over in pain and dropped the baby. She tried to reach over and grab Pyra but she was stuck to the ground by some ice.


We need some more details here. A thought bubble or two from Gretchen would be good. :)+:)=:D

" King Dragonus will kill you if you do anything to his daughter." Gretchen replied
" Too bad I got the first blow. Now shut up I have the Phoenix to steal." Ica said picking up the baby
" Spirit of King Dragonus
Come and save us." Gretchen chanted
Then a light so bright filled the room. Ica had to shield her eyes but that meant dropping the baby. Then the hands of the spirit dragon grabbed the baby and wrapped around it. The light suddenly disappeared and the baby was gone.
" What did you do with the Phoenix you fool? No answer. "Well let's see if you want to think it over in here for eternity. Stonus Eternis." Ica screamed angrily
The Palace of Flames turned into a stone box and monsters arose from the ground.
" Overheat." Gretchen said as her body started to glow the ice around her melted
Gretchen stood up and faced Ica tiny flames were blazing in her eyes.


Gretchen already heard that the King was dead earlier. I suggest you say something a little different. :D:D:D

If you kill me, this building comes crashing down. I am the heart of this palace. So, Ica if you want to play with me, have all the fun you want." Gretchen said firmly
Ica started to throw an Ice bomb at Gretchen, but the spirit dragon gobbled her up.
" Mark my words Gretchen, my generation will capture the Phoenix, and arise the Army of Despair and when they do Flames and all the other realms will be theirs. And your precious Princess Pyra will freeze in their presence." Ica said but her words only sounded like the wind for she was no more.


This is all happening a little too fast. We're introduced to too many characters at one time with important roles. Slow it down. Give us a little more history of Flames, details of these characters, why they are so important. I suggest you read it through, out loud, and see what you think :D:D:D:D:D Best of luck, keep writing. :D:D:D:D ^o^V
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Summer, I noticed that you posted several chapters of this all at once. Clearly, you forgot to read the Rules for posting. Take advantage of the lovely link I've provided you with and check them out.
It would also be a good idea to label each post in the MAIN subject line, not the description line, as "Chapter 1" or something along those lines. Otherwise all we see is a long list of "Chronicles of Pyra" in the Posts Since Last Visit page or Unanswered Posts list. If you want to change that, just go to each post and click the little edit button in the upper right.


In terms of your actual piece, haha, it needs some SERIOUS grammatical work. This has about 20% of the punctuation it really needs, and it would be a waste of my time to go through it and put in all your commas for you.
If you really have trouble with punctuation, I'd be happy to come back, or you can ask an English teacher at your school to help you out. But if it's a matter of not taking the time to proofread your piece, get off your lazy butt and do it! People on YWS will not be inclined to critique a piece ridden with errors, because it often means that the writer doesn't care about the piece.

I think you're introducing too much too quickly. This is only chapter one, and it's not even that long, and already you've introduced loads of characters. Take time to characterize them, let your reader get familiar with the surroundings.

Good luck!
-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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Hm... not bad, but there's room for improvement, too. I like the way your characters are shaping up, but I feel like things are going way, way to fast. There's no time to get a grip on what's going on and who these people are, and it leaves the reader very confused. For example, at the beginning of the chapter, when the queen tells Gretchen to take Pyra and run, I kind of assumed Gretchen was her nursemaid or something, so obviously I was a bit confuzzled when she started using magical powers. XD

" Search the castle for that baby now that the King and Queen are dead we have the run of the place!"

This sentence feels a little long to me... in my experience with dialouge, most sentences that are shouted should be short, simply because it takes rather more breath to shout than speak. If Ica's saying all that in one breath, while shouting loud enough for Gretchen to hear her, presumably a distance away, she must have lungs of steel. XD You might want to just shorten it to "Search the castle for that baby!" Which will make a lot more sense later in the chapter when Gretchen appears to think Dragonus is still alive.

" What did you do with the Phoenix you fool? No answer well let's see if you want to think it over in here for eternity. Stonus Eternis." Ica screamed angrily

I don't really get why Ica would do this... Gretchen won't reveal the location of the Phoenix so Ica seals her in stone? How is Gretchen going to reveal the location of the Phoenix when she's a rock?

As for grammar, you might want to go back and read the piece aloud to yourself, so you can see where commas, periods, and question marks go. For example, the above sentence would sound 100% better if you put in more punctuation, something like this:

"'What did you do with the Phoenix, you fool? No answer? Well, let's see if you want to think it over in here for eternity. Stonus Eternis!' Ica screamed angrily."

This helps the piece flow a lot smoother which will make readers a lot more inclined to pay attention.

...Sorry if I came off as a little harsh, it's early in the morning and I'm not quite awake yet. XD
This piece has a lot of potential with some editing, I'd like to see it after you've worked on it a bit. Nice job. ^_^
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Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
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