Young Writers Society

First of all, this IS my first attempt at poetry. I actually wrote this two weeks ago with an unfinished ending. So, I decided to finish the ending tonight. And, here it is!

Second of all, critic this as hard or easy as you please. I am looking to enter this in a writing contest, maybe.


I Coughed For God
BY: Adrian

I coughed Once for God
Hoping that He could See the Pain
But the wisest Man told Me
He is Blind

I coughed twice for God
Hoping that He could Hear the Pain
But the smartest Man told Me
He is Deaf

I coughed thrice for God
Hoping that He could Feel the Pain
But the accomplished Man told Me
He is Paralyzed

So, I coughed yet again for God
Clutching my chest for Strength
And finally I realized
God is not a Man

**The original last line was 'God is not a He.' Thanks so much Suzanne!**

I have to say, for your "first poem" I think this is very good.

I just have some suggestions and questions. ^_^ Suggestions: punctuation, darling, punctuation! It's a very important aspect of poetry; keep in mind that punctuation is grammar!

Other than that (because I actually enjoyed it a lot) I would like to confirm my meaning...I realize a poem is useless once explained; a poem should be good without explanation, but I would still like to confirm to be sure that you did what you were supposed to. But, so we don't ruin it for any other charming readers, could you PM me your reply? I'm thinking that, because God has no human features, or rather ailments: blind, deaf, paralyzed, he isn't "he" (human). Yes? I like it an awful lot. It was beautiful.

The word cough, though, does catch me a wee bit off guard though and I'm left wondering: why cough? What is the significance in it? There could be absolutely none, but it's still something I'm poking at. Tollerate my obscurity.

Just another comment, if my aforementioned guess on what you were trying to say is correct, I think you should change "he" to "man". The only reason I was allowed to jump to my conclusion was because of your explanation of he not being gender, but of humans. Poems should stand on their own and without further explanation to help the reader understand what you are saying. I think man would make it more understandable, sans explanation.

I enjoyed it a lot, it just seemed real witty and it worked. I'd love to see something else by you, perhaps with imagery and more tangible objects rather than theories like this one, but none the less, bravo, and keep it up!

EDIT: I just noticed something while I was reading over it again... Your descriptions of the men are peculiar and I'm wondering if you wrote them merely to write them or with a particular intent in the words. "wise" and "smart" are nearly the same. "Accomplished" is something else all together. I don't suggest you change it, I'm just making sure you chose those words with purpose. Word choice is incredebly important. If you would have used something like "the poor man" it may have a completely different meaning, wouldn't it?

first off, GREAT first attempt at poetry! if you hadn't said that, i never would have known.

my only problem is your ending. I understand the blind/deaf/paralyzed part of it, but why is it so significant that "God is not a He"? is it because God is a woman and doesn't really listen to anybody? is it because God is an animal and doesn't come when you call? is it because God is dead?

maybe my analysis is off, but i'm unclear as to what you mean in that last stanza.

Otherwise, i don't see any spelling or grammar mistakes, so great job!

Thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate it.

I liked this; pretty good but I can't really comment any further. Not because I didn't like it or because I thought it could be better; but because I'm not the greatest on commenting on the technical structures of stuff.

Great for your first poem, although I don't understand why you capitalized some of the words in the middle of stanzas. I understand "He", because this symbolises God, but I didn't understand the whole, "Once" and "Hear". Maybe I'm just stupid.

Good work,
GingerApplause

I thought it was good. Some things we capitalized, and, I don’t know if they should have been :D

I'm not a big fan of repetition, but here it might work. Can't quite decide if it does at the moment, but it could. Within the repetition, however, I'm not sure if things quite correlated: why did the wisest/smartest/accomplished men tell the subject that God is blind/deaf/paralyzed (respectively). What does wisdom have to do with blindness? What does being accomplished have to do with being paralyzed? The connections either weren't there, or weren't clear enough. Further more, I think the blind/deaf/paralyzed aspect could go a step further: what is the subject saying that God is blind/deaf/paralyzed to? Human suffering? Coughing? etc.

As a result, the conclusion made by the subject is that God is not a Man. So how do these aspects then relate to the coughing? Is it that God doesn't need human attributes to know what's happening in the world [i.e., the subject's coughing]? It's this last step that I thought was lacking.

In the last stanza, the line Clutching my chest for Strength seemed odd. Why would this give him strength? Strength seems such a general word for something that should be such a climax. There's this seeming void for the subject when he realizes God is 'not a Man', so shouldn't he need something more than simply strength to help him? Maybe something more divine? I think a stronger word would do better here [if you'll excuse the unintentional pun].

I think too much is capitalized here to be effective. Yes, God should be capitalized, and "He is Blind/Deaf/etc." I think should be as well to make the last line most dramatic, but I don't see any reason for any of "See/Hear/Feel the Pain" to be capitalized. I think it takes emphasis away from everything else. Also, the first word of every line doesn't necessarily have to be capitalized. It can be, if you want, but it doesn't have to be, but I personally think it's better to save capitals for new thoughts.

Thank you so much for your critiques! I appreciate it.

I didn't expect the ending line " God is not a Man" this really made this poem dramatic and brilliant. Lovely!! Keep up the good work.

I liked it and it's really good for a first, but you really should try more punctuation and less capitalization. at this point, it's just confusing. I also might suggest adding another stanza at the end either stating how god not being a man is a good thing, or how it is a bad thing. i couldn't quite figure it out from your ending. lastly, this is mostly personal preference, but i would not say "he" for god. i don't know what you could use instead (NOT"it") but god isn't necessarily a man. You might want to use that in your ending too. i don't know. i liked it though. i would keep working on it if you were going to enter it in a contest though-mostly for the capitalization.
~Abby~