Blue Princess#1

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"Wake up En!" Mother called form the kitchen, probably. I opened my eyes then closed them again as the sunlight blinded me from my open window. I rolled onto my other side before I opened my eyes again. My arms and legs felt weak and itchy. I tired to prop myself up, but just ended up collapsing back down into my bed. I gave a loud groan and closed my eyes, hoping to steal a couple more minutes of sleep before my mother came with a pitcher full of cold water.

"En! Wake up this instant or you will have an early shower in your bed!" Mother boomed from the doorway.

"Ouch!" I yelped as I rolled of the bed and hit the wooden floor in surprise.

"Hurry up or you will be late for school, again!" Mother called from over her shoulder as she left. I stood up and swayed slightly as I made my way to my clothing cabinet. I picked out a white sweater, a knee length white skirt and white stockings. I quickly put them on and ran down the stairs, into the bright kitchen. I slid into my usual seat by the window that faced the empty street as I received a plate full of steaming pancakes.

"May I have some sugar please?" I asked Mother. She handed me the sugar jar and a small spoon to scoop out the sugar. I sprinkled the white sugar onto my pancakes and ate hungrily.

"En, don't forget to put on your wig and makeup," Mother reminded as she walked over and fluffed my blue hair. I frowned.

The only reason for me to wear that stupid white wig and heavy makeup was just to fit in. Really, who cares if I was different, but then the Council cared

This kingdom was created for sameness and no differences were kept in these walls. If I was found to be different then they would take me away to the Lost Woods and leave me there to rot. It was almost impossible to find your ways out of the woods and the only people who knew were the Council. Everyone in this kingdom is born with white hair, a pale complexion, and cloudy gray eyes. Unfortunately, I was born with dark blue hair, jade green eyes and ruby red lips. The only sameness I shared with the people was my pale skin.

When I finished my pancakes, I laid my plate in the sink and and made my way to the bathroom. I twisted my hair into a flat bun and pinned it down. Then I reached for my wig which was hanging by a hook on the wall on my right. I carefully tucked in any loosed strands of my blue hair. Seeing that my blue hair was hidden from sight, I applied white lip coloring to cover my fierce red lips. Nothing could be done with my eyes so I had to wear a shady hat to keep my eyes from view the bet I could. It was rude for anyone to look directly into someone's eyes anyways.


"Mother, I am ready!" I called from the entrance and was ready to leave with my book bag slung over my shoulder when I was jerked back.

"Not like that you are not! It is freezing outside!" exclaimed my mother as she started to wrap a scarf around my neck and help me into a warm coat.

"No you can go," said my mother as she gave a little push out the door. I started to run knowing no matter how fast I ran, i was already late for school, again.

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I stopped at the gates of my school and pulled down my hat a little bit further down over my eyes. The gates were closed, but unlocked to let any late students in. I slowly opened the door and closed it behind me, leaning against it. Maybe I could just skip the first hour before break. No one will notice, not even the teacher, hopefully. I turned smiling, ready to leave when I heard a furious shout.

"En! Get in class right now! You are late again."

I turned towards to see my teacher, Ms. Dela leaning out the window, waving her arms. I groaned and made my slow progress toward the door that led into the school building.

"Faster!" shrieked Ms. Dela and closed the window with a slam.

I ran down the hall and stopped by my cubby. Carelessly, I stuffed my coat and scarf into it and ran to my class. I arrived breathless at the door and Ms. Dela gave me a sharp glare. I felt the stare of everyone in the class as I stared at the dusty floor.

"Thank you for joining us En. You may now take your seat...in the front where I have my eye on you," Ms. Dela said coldly. I felt my face grew hot and I knew it was red. I quickly made my way to the desk and heard a couple of giggles as I did so. I ignored them and sat down as my seat still looking down.

"Now, lets get back to our mathematics..." started Ms. Dela and that's how the hour went with her boring lessons of addition, subtraction, multiplication, division and a few complicated problems. I think I was half asleep for most of the class, again.
Last edited by Pawprint on Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Its a nice idea. But I think it needs a little work!

I think you should enter the room and describe the surroundings and what she looks like so that we are not hanging there.

You need to use different words. Not always the same ones in the same sentence.

You have a grate idea but you need to explain and describe things a little more. Like what the "Council" is etc.
What abut her mother? What does she weir? What does he voice sound like. But most of all En. You need to tell us more about her.

To me this story seems rushed and not well done. I am not saying that it is unfixible. You just need to spend a little more time thinking and working on it.

You should keep on writing. Its really good! PM me as soon as you have written more. I look forwards to reading the rest :D

Keep Up The Good Work
Genevieve
xxx




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It is suppose to be kind of rushed. En is late fopr school and it is in the morning!
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No no... Not the girl. The story maybe you as a Narrator kinda :P Should explain the surroundings!




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interesting premise, but you need to get in the description of En earlier- I have a feeling that this is something that will be important, so the earlier you learn it, te better. you need more general description- something i know is sometimes hard ot get out in a early draft, but it always seems skeletal without it.
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Hi, Pawprint! I always love reading your work, and I'm glad you have a longer chapter with a title. :D

I really enjoyed this. However, something doesn't work for me about the setting. I honestly have no idea what En's world is like, because one minute it seems like Planet Earth, and the next it's this fantasy world. Could you elaborate on that?

Also, you do an infodump after En's mom tells her to put on her wig. It's a great idea, but you could make it stronger by showing, not telling. Know what I mean? But you really have a great idea, and I love stories about people with weirdly-colored hair.

Overall, slow down. Let the reader inside En's head; show us her world in vivid detail.

You're a great writer and I can't wait to read more!
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I liked this. I could hear the characters in my head and it seemed so real. But I agree that you need to describe the surroundings more so the reader knows what's going on.
But good work and keep editing!
Also, I love the name En! This story is very addictive.




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I don't want to be too picky, but this is supposed to be a review, but I hope I don't bore you with mistakes, and things that could be improved.

1.
"Wake up En!" Mother called form the kitchen, probably.


This could be:
a.) "Wake up En!" Mother called from the kitchen, I think. OR
b.) "Wake up En!" Mother called from the kitchen, possibly.

2.
I opened my eyes then closed them again as the sunlight blinded me from my open window.


This could be:
a.) I opened my eyes, but had to close them because of the sunlight beaming through my open window. OR
b.) I opened my eyes and closed them again as the sunlight blinded me through my open window. OR
c.) I opened my eyes, but I was forced to close them from the brightness of the sunlight that beamed through my open window.

3.
My arms and legs felt weak, and itchy.


I just added a comma.

4.
I tired to prop myself up, but just ended up collapsing back down into my bed.


Spelling error: "tired" should be "tried"

This could also be:
a.) I tried to prop myself up, but collapsed back onto my mattress. OR
b.) I tried to prop myself up, but fell back onto my mattress.

5.
I gave a loud groan and closed my eyes, hoping to steal a couple more minutes of sleep before my mother came with a pitcher full of cold water.


This could be:
a.) I gave a loud groan and closed my eyes, hoping to gain a couple more minutes of sleep before... OR
b.) I gave a loud groan and closed my eyes, wanting to gain a couple more minutes of sleep before...

6.
I stood up and swayed slightly as I made my way to my clothing cabinet.


You could replace "clothing cabinet" with "armoire"

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From what I read, it was pretty good. Also there were a few spelling errors here and there. Make sure to proof read your writing.

Keep me posted please, I enjoy this story a lot
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Hi. I think it was interesting, quite good in fact, but after a while, I'm afraid it got a bit, well, prolonged. It soon felt as though I was reading a manuel - I did this, I did that... You see?
Nevertheless, it could be easily improved if you put a bit more life into it. Atm, it feels as though you are disconnected from En - you need to know her inside and out, and, as it is in first person, you basically need to be her.

Here are some things I picked up on:

"Wake up En!"

Comma before the name.

I tired to prop myself up

Tried...

If I was found to be different

I'm pretty sure this should be were but I could be wrong.

When I finished my pancakes

Maybe, After I had finished my pancakes or Once I had...


To be honest, I think you need to labour over it a bit longer.




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1.
I opened my eyes then closed and then again as the sunlight blinded me from my open window.

i thought adding the word and made it flow better. and possible spelling error? (then, not them?)

2.
"May I have some sugar please?" I asked Mother.

comma after sugar

3.
"Now you can go," said my mother as she gave a little push out the door. I started to run knowing no matter how fast I ran, I was already late for school, again.

i added the w to No. and i just capitalized the i for ya.

this was pretty good. i like the plot, how she's physically (and probably emotionally/mentally) different from everyone else. uniqueness-- i love it. keep posting!

-julie (:
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