The Kite

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 99
I wrote this for Kylan's Parallel Contest. It is an allusion to this Greek myth.

To escape, [the king Minos] Daedalus built wings for himself and Icarus, fashioned with feathers held together with wax. Daedalus warned his son not to fly too close to the sun, as it would melt his wings, and not too close to the sea, as it would dampen them and make it hard to fly.
They successfully flew from Crete, but Icarus grew exhilarated by the thrill of flying and began getting careless. Flying too close to the sun god Helios, the wax holding together his wings melted from the heat and he fell to his death, drowning in the sea.



The Kite

A woman jogged by with her golden retriever, the cord for her ipod swaying side to side, and the gathering of pigeons scattered in all directions. Cooing in annoyance, they took flight or scurried under the bench. I waited for them to land again, watching the flecks of green and purple on their feathers flash in the weak sunlight. Fluttering back, they surrounded my bench, and I smiled. If I were only ten years older, people would call me the “pigeon lady”, I thought. Drawing my jacket closer to myself, I left the birds to their pecking and looked out at the park.

It was a crisp autumn day. Nearly all the trees were naked, and the sky was a washed-out blue. A wind that foreshadowed winter blew across the dead landscape, making the last stray leaves bounce and scrap across the paved path in front of me. It was a chilly day, but I had time to kill. I was actually quite surprised by how many people were outside today--runners, couples, other people who were just burning time too. Then I looked out at the great expanse of brown-green and spied two figures. And there, above them were two more shapes. Kites.

The two kites danced in the wind, and I watched them for sometime. I became lost in a trance, watching them weave and duck in the dome of the vast fall sky. I couldn’t remember ever having flown a kite. My parents never took me to the park, and I was older than Aubrey. Maybe I should have taken her to the park. Oh well.

I checked the time on my cell phone and saw that it was time for me to leave. I had a date with Mr. Marberry, my boss. Not a real date though, I reassured myself. I was just going with him to listen to a sales pitch. Apparently some guy two hours away had just invented a new, well, something. To be completely honest with myself, I didn’t know what it was. I was just the finance manager. Mr. Marberry needed me to tell him we could buy it and show him where to sign. Why I couldn’t do that at the office was beyond me, but I didn’t mind. It got me away from here, even if just for a few hours.

I sighed and stood up, picking my brief case up from underneath the bench. The pigeons hurried away from me as I started to walk.

“You’re fine,” I told them.

Some listened to me, but others took flight and soon the whole flock was up again. Caught in a flurry of wings, I covered my head and ran. For such dopey birds, they can certainly take off quickly, I said in my head. But even for the shock they had caused me, I couldn’t help but admire their gift of flight. If I could fly, well, I’d get out of this city, that’s for sure! Everyone says Florida’s nice, but I’d rather go to an island. Somewhere warm and secluded. Somewhere where I never have to worry about pleasing my boss or making the deadline.

My brief daydream carried me halfway around the paved park track. Now the path looped left to go back to the busy streets. I was drawing closer to the kite fliers, and I could discern the patterns on their kites. They were eagles. Better not let the pigeons see that. Up close, one flier was much larger and seemed to be advising the other. The path brought me around so that I could see their faces, and I found that the pair was a father-son duo.

“--more slack,” said the father, “see, watch.”

The father loosened up his string, and then sent his kite into a series of twists and backflips. The son watched as best he could while holding his own kite steady, studying every subtle move.

“See, if you give it too little slack the kite can’t do that. Too much, and it’ll fall,” said the father.

The son nodded and then prepared to follow his father’s example when a harsh wind came and threw both the kites off balance. The father rescued his, but the wind nearly ripped the kite string from his son’s hands. The boy managed to keep hold of the string, but his kite fell to the earth.

“You have to watch the wind,” explained the father, landing his kite, “and always keep a good grip.”

He picked up his son’s kite and showed him how to better grip the kite string handle. I walked by them and listened, keeping my head tilted away so that it wasn’t too obvious. This father was kind and guiding, very much like my dad had been. My dad had always told me to do what would make me happy. So, I’d gone to art school. But, I got burnt. It was too freedom, and I burned out like a dry leaf. I dropped out and fell into what my father called “the sea of greed”, the world of money. Well, things aren’t perfect, but they could be worse.

The kite father said some more things, but I couldn’t here him anymore. I was too far away. The city was just beyond this gate, it’s curbs and cabs calling to me. I went through the gate and entered a different kingdom, one away from the simplicity of a “day with dad”.

I flagged down a taxi, and opened the door. Taking one last glance at the park, I noticed something above the trees. It was an eagle. No, I realized, it was a kite. It was drifting further up, soaring over the park and into the city, but then it’s wind must have given out because it plummeted to the ground.

Poor boy, I thought, seems his dad’s advice wasn’t enough. A remark from the taxi driver let me know he didn’t appreciate me staring at the sky. I set my brief case in the next seat, climbed in, and closed the door. I gave the driver the address and looked out the window for the eagle kite. As the park hedge rushed by, I saw it, pierced by a thorn bush. And as it passed from my view, I looked over at my briefcase and realized something. He isn’t the only one who failed their father.
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2188
Reviews 74
Hello! ^_^ Thought i'd drop in and give a crit, seeing as no one has yet!

Okay, first off. I really enjoy the narrator's voice. It comes through clearly, which is good. ^_^


The two kites danced in the wind, and I watched them for sometime.


Sometime should be separated as "Some time". :D

Overall, I thought it was very nice. At the end i got a little confused when the narrator said


He isn’t the only one who failed their father.


I do get what she means, but it may help more if she elaborated on how she failed her father.

Anyway, good job, keep it up, all that jazz! ^_^
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
I think the Icarus (hey!) thingy is keeping you from making this great. I much enjoyed the part of the story where the narrator is just thinking, and we can sense her feeling of wanting to escape her boring existense. Then, she gets distracted by the kites, and then she thinks about her own father, and how she was "burnt." It's silly. It could work, but you don't wrap it up nicely, frankly, so the comparisons made be lost, and when they're understood, they're just not too strong. She blames herself for screwing up art-school, but wasn't her father the one that told her to go there? Sure, she wanted to go there, that much is a given, but putting pressure on her was probably what caused her to get burnt. And the kites. The kid's a loser. It's not that he can't follow advise, it's just that he can't fly a kite.

It would've been much more interesting if you'd lose the whole Icarus aspect, and just made her depressed, and think about how her father wanted her to go to art school, but she was too scared to do that (because of money, and stuff).

I don't know. It's your story.

Writing-wise, it's good enough. There are some parts that don't flow well. Per example: "It was a crisp autumn day. Nearly all the trees were naked, and the sky was a washed-out blue. A wind that foreshadowed winter blew across the dead landscape, making the last stray leaves bounce and scrap across the paved path in front of me" The first part actually kinda sounds OK, but it's just a bit clichéd. And the second part is just... bleh. I mean, it doesn't sound too well. The sentence is too long, and it sounds like you're trying to be poetic or something, and it doesn't work. It just interrupts the story.

Also: Don't use "!" when you're narrating. Please! It looks cheesy. "I was gonna eat that sandwich. That's for sure!" I mean, it just doesn't look right. Right? Right.

So. Nice writing overall, but it's not that good of a story. I enjoyed the beginning, and I kinda liked what you were trying to do at the end, but it doesn't really work too well. Keep writing!
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 67
Hey alleycat,


You have a great idea for a story here, and in total it was well presented and well crafted. Some sentences felt a bit rough, but the paragraphs were well organized. I have some specific and more general suggestions:

"It was too freedom, and I burned out like a dry leaf."

This sentence isn't correct. You could say something like 'there was too much freedom' to fix this.

"The kite father said some more things, but I couldn’t here him anymore."

You mean to say 'I couldn't hear him anymore."

The theme stayed relevant through the whole piece, which is good - it means it was focused. I think you could improve by adding more unique and creative descriptions, especially characters and setting. It would add more colour in the reader's mind, and get the reader in more of an emotional, reflective mood to double the creativity of the myth.

Practice to improve the sentence flow, and to get the most emotional reaction from the reader. Keep writing - it will only improve.
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<



In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien