Blood Song

I stole a glance
of his face
and fell in love right there

A sudden rush
that made me flush
I couldn't help but stare

A class we had
was a big mess-up
he completely avoided me

I tried to hide
behind a curtain of hair
so I couldn't see

He was dangerous
not just because
he was super strong

But because my blood
called to him
just like a love song

Very nice!
It's about the Twilight trilogy, right?
I've read those books. They rock!

The only thing that bothered me was that in places it sounded a bit stiff. Here's an example:

Lucky_Duck wrote:But because my blood
called to him
just like a love song

That last phrase [just like a love song] is a little longer than the rest, so it sounds a little odd. Unfortunately, I'm no expert on poetry, so i can't seem to think of any ways to fix this. But still, if you didn't change it, it would still be good

Lucky_Duck wrote:He was dangerous
not just because
he was super strong

I don't like the 'super strong'. It sounds kind of...goofy? I don't know. Either way, it is starkly in contrast to the rest of the poem.

OVERALL:
I really like this poem--it's simple but pleasant, and I can relate it to the story too
Well, there isn't much more I can say!
PM me if you want to me to critique anything else of yours!
Keep writing,
.:Ayra:.

P•S•- I'm not a moderator, so I can't move this, but I think this belongs in 'Romantic poetry'. ^_^

w00t!! goooo Twilight!! Go Edward!!!

its very nice...but....(there's always a but...)

the line:

I tried to hide
behind a curtain of hair
so I couldn't see

its longer than the other two, which throws the rhythm off...you might need to work on that. i won't tell you; its better if you learn yourself...

but otherwise, keep up the good work!!

Awesome! I know about Twilight, but, don't read it.
I guess it follows the story...?
Anyway, I like your ryming. Good job.

-- M.B.Author

Some pointers, poems don't have to rhyme, nor do they have to have a set rhythm. There's a style called free verse where it has neither rhyme nor meter (rhythm). Your rhyming here actually isn't that bad. (Better than mine, I suck.) But you metering seems so forced. And you cut it so short. Overall you need to add more for us to "see." Imagery is a very powerful tool, though somewhat tricky to master. Try to see if you can get this as a stand-alone poem instead of having to say, "You have to read Twilight to get it." That way you'll get more audience. Keep writing though! This has potential!

~Yoyo

Wow. That was really cool
I liked it.
I found it a little hard to follow at times.
Still fantastic.

Wow. That was really cool
I liked it.
I found it a little hard to follow at times.
Still fantastic.