Mage's Rest

Trisha was backed into a corner, literally. Now her only hope was magic. Drawing it in and around her, she wove a net of power.

"Keep your claws in and you'll live. Trust me."

Trisha's answer was to draw in more power. She launched a salvo of fiery orbs at her enemy.

Off guard, he shouted, "Ice!" Blue-white daggers flew at her crackling with energy.She turned them all aside.

"Steel," she commanded, and a knife materialized in her hand. She threw herself, blade first, at her nemesis.

"Air," he snapped, and a shimmering wall appeared. She hit and felt a current of dark power.

Panting, she shouted,"Blaze!" She heated the air around her, rising above the fray. Now was her chance! She surrendered herself to the flow of light that was magic.

"Spirit," she breathed. A vague form, glowing with fey magic, passed through the wall.

Her life fading away, she sent a plea to heaven. Have mery, I beg you.

I think this could be a great story

What I liked about it was the drama, it's really tense and I loved your description. My favorite line is, 'She launched a salvo of fiery orbs at her enemy.' I could picture that very well. It was also really imaginative

The only criticism I have is that there's not much emotion from the characters. It maybe needs one or two lines suggesting more clearly how the characters feel. Are they scared? Worried? Is the knife that materialized heavy? You've done a great job regardless though!

I think you maybe could also put in a little something about the five senses. Is there a smell in the air? What can they hear?

I think you have done a great job!

Hey!

You've got some really neat ideas here. I love the idea of one saying an element and the effect being -- yeah, that's just really neat. I'm going to snitch that later on. ^_~

First Point: Length

...is too short. XD I can't tell if this is a prologue, a blurb, a chapter, or what. An author's note is never a bad thing at the end of a section.

Second Point: Synonyms for "Said"

It's never a good idea to use a synonym for "said" when "said" itself will suffice. You're having your character shout, command, snap, breathe their dialogue. Generally, when the tags draw attention away from the dialogue, it's not good. "Said" should be like punctuation -- it's there, but it doesn't register as a real word, if you know what I mean. Stay away from adverbs as well -- emotions and moods should be conveyed through how a character is talking.

Third Point: Descriptions

Like Jen has already pointed out, the descriptions are sadly lacking. Is the knife heavy, do the spells leave smells in the air, do they feel the power leave their bodies? Also, how else can you describe "dark" power? Harmful? Cold? Clammy?


Fifth Point: Pacing

Way too fast. Give the story time to tell itself and remember that it's always easier to trim down rather than add on. Like sushi rice.

Sixth Point: Punctuation

...Is virtually non-existent. xD I'll pick through your story now:

Trisha was backed into a corner, literally. Now her only hope was magic. Drawing it in and around her, she wove a net of power.

"Keep your claws in and you'll live. Trust me."

Show and don't tell! How does it feel? Does the blood drain from her face? Does her hair stand on end? Do boogers drip out of her nose? Show us the power!

Trisha's answer was to draw in more power. She launched a salvo of fiery orbs at her enemy.

Off guard, he shouted, "Ice!" Blue-white daggers flew at her COMMA crackling with energy. SPACE She turned them all aside.

"Steel," she commanded, and a knife materialized in her hand. She threw herself, blade first, at her nemesi

That last sentence is kind of weird. xD It makes Trisha sound like she's got a knife growing out of her forehead or something. Try to clear that up, a little, and the correct spelling is "nemesis."

Air," he snapped, and a shimmering wall appeared. She hit it and felt a current of dark power. Explain.

Panting, she shouted,"Blaze!" She heated the air around her, rising above the fray. ?Huh? Now was her chance[s]![/s].Never use exclamation marks in third-person narrative. She surrendered herself to the flow of light that was magic.

Yes, I'm a bit confused about this magic...

"Spirit," she breathed. A vague form, glowing with fey magic, passed through the wall.

Her life fading away, she sent a plea to heaven.
SPACE
Have mery, I beg you.

You've really got to run all your work through a spellchecker before putting it up, or the reviewers will go ape on you. -_-" It's "mercy", not "mery".


So, yes. Biggest problems here are length, pace, over and under description.

PM me if you have any questions on my review or if you would like me to review some of your other work,

~Sumi

Do you mean 'have mercy?'

It is a nice piece of work, reads well and very fast-paced. Just a few grammar and description points to work on. And also, what species are these guys? Claws?!

Ooh, nice job. You've got quite a grasp on writing fight scenes, something I've always struggled with. It was interesting and pulled me in.

The problem is, it was a little too fast-paced, which made it difficult to follow. Most of the difficulty following, though, is probably due to how we don't know a thing about the characters, the situation, the magic they are using... still a teensy bit more description might have helped.

Overall, an excellent job, a very well done fight scene. ^_^

EDIT: (Edited for spelling~)