Dangerous Ink Chapter 1

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 62
DANGEROUS INK

By Jonathan Hyde

Chapter I

Note: This is the old version of chapter 1. I'll be posting the new chapter 1 soon, which is a lot different, so this chapter is sort of outdated. Thanks to zankoku_na_tenshi, Majestic Fanatist, and Icaruss for the help and inspiration for the new chapter.


I wrapped myself in my blankets and stared out the window. The snow was falling heavily now. My neighbors wouldn’t be happy about it, but, as for me I couldn’t ask for anything more today. The wet snow glistened against the almost angelic moon: the sky clear and black as I‘ve ever seen it. By the moonlight I could only just see the book on
my small bedside table. The owner wouldn’t miss it. In fact, the old man seemed happy
that I had taken it.

I had wrapped it in a spare scarf to keep the snow away from its delicate pages, which were already faded and worn, and I knew more wear would do it no good. In fact, I barely felt safe touching it, fearing it might tear up into thousands of pieces, never to meet my eyes again. I sipped some of my hot coco, and dived into my new world. I found every page to be a new experience, and it was an hour later when I forced myself to put it down and try to sleep.

But calmness wouldn’t come to my mind; and my eyes. I soon found myself taking glimpses at the pages periodically, wishing I could just read forever. I pulled another blanket over my freezing body, shut off the light for the last time, and went to sleep.

I had strange dreams that night, but only later on I actually came to remember them. I might have held onto the mysteries of the night long enough to write it all down, but something else took all my attention away from me.

I had forgotten every detail of the story I had read only several hours ago.

Everything else I remembered: the warmth of the coco on my freezing lips. The shine of the snowflakes, falling by the bucketful from the sky. At first I thought I had some mental issue, like short term memory loss. But nothing made for a good explanation of why I had forgotten so much. So I picked up the story again and delved in, taking all the time in the world, until every wonderful word was burned into my mind, and every picture embedded in my eyes. It was as brilliant as it was before, and my breath was taken away every time I turned the page.

I fell asleep after a long time of unrest. Strange dreams, same as before, plagued my sleep. But, I couldn’t remember anything that I had read in the morning.

* * *
I walked over to the bookstore on 32nd and Main. The town had all come out to shovel their driveways, ableit slowly. I realized that over the last two days, one and a half feet of snow had fallen. I hadn’t noticed at all. What was this book?

Of course, that was the answer for which I was searching for. I was hoping the old man had some answers. It was his book, after all. I waved at my best friend, Alli. She looked at me and twirled her hair. It was long and brown, and her face was splattered with pimples. I hastily said hi back, and we locked glances for several seconds before I turned away, blushing.

The store came up on my left, and I didn’t bother to ring the old fashion doorbell. I stormed in and up the stairs, straight to the old man’s room. I blurted out everything that had happened with the book over the past two days. He sat in his armchair, listening intently. He finally spoke up after I had talked for almost ten minutes straight.

“Listen, son. You can’t blame me for this. You steal my book and expect me to feel sorry for you because you can‘t remember it? You just stole a week of pay from me.”

The old man was agitating me. I knew that everything he said was true. But he was glad to see me steal the book. I knew it. There was an air of secrecy in the room, almost tangible. I wasn’t leaving without answers.

“This doesn’t happen, man! If you didn’t want me to steal the book, why didn’t you pipe up while you had the chance! Can’t answer that, can you! Listen: the best book I‘ve ever read doesn‘t suddenly disappear from my mind overnight! I know you did something, so open your mouth!”

“Son, do you really think I’d do this? I’m old. I don’t take joy from altering the memory of thirteen year olds. You wanna really remember the story?”

“Yes!” I shouted.

“Are you sure!”

“Yes!

“Then write it yourself.”

And with that the old man grabbed a knife from the bottom of his drawer. I backed up against the wall, holding my breath. I felt more scared than I had ever felt in my life. I was going to die over a book. One that I never even remembered reading. I couldn’t even remember if it was really that good or not!

But there was something about it. Something that made me want to give up anything for a simple memory of what this book had said. So as I stood against the wall, while overwhelmed with fear, I felt something about this was right.

The man dug the knife into the book, shouting, “Even the score, here’s new color for yah!” A hole opened in the first few pages, and a glimmer shone from the hole. I covered my eyes.

“Have fun boy!” was all he said, and I felt the cold metal pierce my skin and sever a vein. I couldn’t catch any more breath. My eyes were fixed open while my body spiraled out of control. I saw the book come closer to my face, and through the glimmer I could see something I could swear was real. My eyes were blinded by a sudden flash of light, and the only thing that I knew was left for me was death.
Last edited by jonny911 on Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:33 pm, edited 8 times in total.
"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A felon!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yah! This kid at school says they get all the girls!"
"I should try that..."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 13389
Reviews 260
Hm... certainly interesting, I like your idea. The idea of the book that the protagonist can't remember is an intriguing one, to be sure. I'd like to hear what happens next!

However, there were a couple of things that kinda threw me off, such as this line:
I had wrapped it in a spare towel to keep the snow away from its delicate pages

... which kinda confused me. Unless he's sleeping with the window open in the apparent dead of winter somewhere where it snows (inadvisable, to say the least), then the snow shouldn't get on the book. Unless maybe you meant he had covered the book with a towel on the way home after stealing it? In which case, wouldn't it look a little weird for someone to come waltzing into a bookstore carrying a towel? Then again, perhaps in the world this story is set in, there are no windowpanes for windows, which kinda brings me to my next thing: it would be kinda nice if you'd give us some hint of your setting, because, unless I've missed something, all the info we get is "a town, probably a small one, where it snows." This leaves me, at least, feeling a tad disoriented. Is this our world? Another? Modern day? The past? The future? (then again, that may have been the point. I'm not so good at this, as you can see. ^^; )

I also kinda feel like your protagonist could use a little bit more fleshing out. We're just staring the story, but it is told from his point of view, yet I feel as though I really didn't get inside his head. Not going into extreme detail about your protagonist can be a way of avoiding infodumping, which is a good thing, but I still feel like his narration should have given us a few more clues about his personality... I dunno.

All in all, quite a strong start you have here, I'd like to read more! Looking forward to it! ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
I suggest that you add more detail. Show, don’t tell.

I know that it’s harder when you’re writing in first person, but let your character describe things with showing words instead of just saying what is there. Reading, The winter wind bit into me as I stepped onto the slick sidewalk, is much more interesting than reading, I got cold when I went outside. See?

Also, work on your pacing. I felt it went along a little fast, and like Zankoku, I didn’t feel like I knew anything about the character. This can be fixed by adding more detail.

Over all, it was a good story line and I will look forward to reading more, so keep writing! =D
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt -TBS




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
First things go first as they say, so I'm gonna get right to it: this ain't no prologue. I mean, sure, it is if you want it to be. There aren't any written rules about what a prologue is... but, I don't know, it just seems like a first chapter. It's a bit too short to be a chapter, so I guess calling it a prologue would justify that, but looking through the other Dangerous Ink entries I notice that they're of the same length. So: what makes this a prologue? Because it's the start of your story? I don't know. The best prologues tell something that feels completely unrelated from the main storyline, though manage to capture the essence of the characters, and what the story will be about.

But anyhow, enough. What about your story, eh? Well, I don't know. I want to like the premise, it seems interesting, but it's written in such a way that it seems silly. Let me explain. Not that your story is bad, I mean, it's not a great story, but it's not terrible. It's just that the premise is one of those really hard sells. I just won't take it too seriously unless you write it up real good, and yours is just OK. I mean, look. It's intriguing. But just say it out loud: "The story is about this book that the protagonist reads, and then can't remember what it was about. A Mysterious Old Man then carves up the book, and apparently kills the protagonist with a knife, but not really, the book just swallows him Or Something."

Right.

Onto your writing. Dialogue wise it's not very good. I liked the opening lines, and some of your narration. You have that observational tone that doesn't feel too descriptive, but manages to give us an idea of the places and people your character visits, leaving a lot of room for our own imagination. However, there are some sentences that don't work. And this section. This section you should cut:

"I waved at my best friend, Alli. She looked at me and twirled her hair. It was long and brown, and her face was splattered with pimples. I hastily said hi back, and we locked glances for several seconds before I turned away, blushing."

Not subtle. No. Not at all. It comes out as corny. And the pimple remark makes her seem really ugly, which makes us question your main character's taste in women. Which I guess, reassures his personality as one who looks beyond physical appearances, but... if he's in love with her, why is he talking about pimples? Maybe he's not really in love with her. Maybe she's the only woman that's ever noticed him. Maybe he's confused. Maybe this paragraph needs to go.

Seriously, you say they're best friends, then why do they act awkward with each other? I've had crushes on friends of mine too, but I never gave them away because I knew how to act around them.

Alright, but enough about that. Some praise:

"I walked over to the bookstore on 32nd and Main. The town had all come out to shovel their driveways, ableit slowly. I realized that over the last two days, one and a half feet of snow had fallen. I hadn’t noticed at all. What was this book?"

This is good. How you suddenly ask that question. It shows us that he's trying to keep his mind on other things, but just can't. Smart, smart.

Some bad things:

The goddamn dialogue. It's really... Look. I'll give you the same advice I give everybody concerning dialogue: does anybody actually talk like that? Seriously, read it out loud. Read the conversation out loud, and just ask yourself that. And it's not just the dialogue either. That last scene is all... wrong. It seems non-sensical. Everybody starts shouting, and acting in a way normal people don't act. Look, I know your story is fantasy, but you need to bring realism into it.

What? Realism into fantasy?

Not realism as in explain everything with science, no. Realism as in you need to make your characters real people, and make them act the way real people react to these kinds of situations. What situations? Being stabbed and sucked into a book. So: in conclusion, do you like my story? Did you enjoy it? Will you keep reading?

The answer to these questions is: just if you promise to improve it. Because not just a sorta/could be good premise can hold a story together. Nice try though, and don't get me wrong, you're not at all bad. I've seen bad. There is a lot of bad in this site. You're not bad. It's just that this is hard to pull off, and you don't.

Keep at it.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine



There is no quiet. There is only Doc McStuffins.
— Ron Swanson