A child's dream

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 20
((Alright, I came up with this Idea last night at around 10:00 pm and have no idea if it's good or not but tell me what you think of it so far. ))


A Child’s Dream
Prologue:

There’s a place, known most commonly to many of us, called a playground. Where there are swings, monkey bars, slides, perhaps a small climbing wall, a zip line, and maybe even a teeter-totter. These objects are seen merely as toys and the playground simply as a place to take kids so they can run off their energy for the day. This all may be true, but in the playground I’m talking about there are just a few swings, no more then four.
But one of those four can take you someplace, for swings are special like that. Sure, a normal swing can take you high into the sky, like a bird, or bring you just an arm’s reach away from touching a midnight star, but the swing I speak of takes you to your personal escape. That land, distant or not, the one you’ve made up in your mind to escape reality, that’s where it takes you. It doesn’t just take you up; it takes you away, away to where no one else can find you…

It’s her escape, the secret place she found, the abandoned playground. Everyone says she’s only pretending, that it’s not really there, but she claims it’s real. It’s not just another make-believe getaway place to hide, this time, it’s for real. She disappears for sometime, and then awhile later she returns. No one can figure out where she goes, though they know why she tries to escape.

****

Josh trotted up to the school doors, pulling them open to escape from the winter chill. Al, a close friend of both his and Brit’s was sitting in the corner of the atrium waving in his direction with a smile on his face. Seeing his pal, he waved back in his own greeting and made his way over to him.
“Hey Al, what’s up?” his voice was a little less then normal that day, Al would know he was worried.
“Nothing much, you study for your geomotry test today?"
“Dude, I don’t study at all, you know that.”
“I hate you. Why do I have to study...but still fail all my tests?!”
“Maybe it has something to do with your…” Josh paused and let a small grin spread across his face.
“Don’t you even say it.” Al retorted.
“…with your, shortness.” Josh ended the sentence quickly and jumped back just in time to avoid a punch aimed right at his gut. However, he was a little late in avoiding the few kicks he got from Al to the shin.
Al finally gave up on trying to beat up his 6’4’’ friend and flopped down on the chair behind him. Josh did the same, propping his feet on the table between them.
Their laughter ended as a familiar figure walked through the atrium doors, hood pulled over her head as if to keep people from looking at her. She kept her head down and her hands in her pockets, looking up only briefly to see where she was going. As she turned the corner to walk down the hallway to her locker, Al and Josh immediately looked at each other, concerned. They both knew something had happened again. Both of them quickly hopped up and took off down the hallway after their friend.
Once there was a boy named Jimmy....then there wasn't.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7241
Reviews 721
Very promising! Truly, I definitely think you should continue with this if you can.

I have a few minor, nit-picky suggestions.

brix_strat wrote:There’s a place, known [s]most commonly[/s] to many of us, called a playground.

I suggest you take out the "most commonly."

brix_strat wrote:This all may be true, but in the playground I’m talking about there are just a few swings, no more then four.

I think you should just go straight out and say that there are four, rather than "no more that four."

brix_strat wrote:Sure, a normal swing can take you high into the sky, like a bird, or bring you just an arm’s reach away from touching a midnight star, but the swing I speak of takes you to your personal escape.

I love this part. :wink:

brix_strat wrote:It doesn’t just take you up; it takes you away, away to where no one else can find you…

This is just a preference thing, but I personally don't think that an ellipses (...) should be used this way in literature.

Everyone says she’s only pretending, that it’s not really there, but she claims it’s real.

Another preference thing, but I think you should say "but she KNOWS that it's real."

brix_strat wrote:Al, a close friend of both his and Brit’s was sitting in the corner of the atrium waving in his direction with a smile on his face.

I suggest that you not mention Brit until he's really introduced to the story.

brix_strat wrote:... his voice was a little less then normal that day, Al would know he was worried.

It might just be me (very possible) but I didn't really understand this... how can a voice be less that usual? Less what than usual??

brix_strat wrote:“…with your, shortness.”

Delete the comma after "your."
------------

That's it for the (hopefully constructive) criticism. Please don't take it harshly, I'm just nit-picking and I really do like this piece. PM me when you post chapter 1!!!

Hope this helps.

See ya around, and welcome to the YWS!
~Azila~

P.S. How did you make the text indented? I can't seem to do that...




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 20
Thank you very very much. I will definitely look into those things. ^-^ I plan to write some more to chapter 1 tonight. I'm debating whether (sp?) or not I'm going to start with Brit on the swing...or with what happened to her...or with her two friends confronting her. (Brit is a girl by the way). And no, I do not take anything harshly, I take it as...oh, I should look into that. xD
Thank you again!
-Brit

P.s.-- Indent? It's not indented on mine. Though to get it to indent, I normally space bar it.
Once there was a boy named Jimmy....then there wasn't.



It's a pity the dictionary has only one definition of beauty. In my world, there are 7.9 billion types of it- all different and still beautiful.
— anne27