Sunsets and Sorrows

Here's a sonnet that I wrote for English class.. I'll be grateful for any suggestions!

Sunsets and Sorrows

Towards the setting sun I turn my gaze,
While melancholy welled up inside of me.
As the scenery draws out my heart’s plea,
My vision blurs with haze.
Tears illuminated by the sun’s rays,
Reflect the depths of my misery.
Making me realize how I’ve lived life in a daze,
How I’ve always been apart and lonely.
But then, twilight brings relief to me.
For as the sun sets and night descends,
Promising reprieve from a day of hypocrisy,
I felt the peace which I once only found in friends.
My heart feels lighter as I set my sorrows free,
And that in time everything mends.

Wow, I love the laid back rhyming scheme you have going on here. It really sets across the mood of it being just a lovely and mellow sunset that the writer is guiding us through.

I like the little twist at the end; adding a sense of reality into a poem that seems almost so laid back that it is like a dream. You use some good imagery through-out the poem and it gives off a godd feel; or a vibe if you'd like.

I liked this, although I found the structure a little hard to deal with. Although, this may be personal preference as I am one for the traditional stanzas. Old fashioned am I.

Good work.

GingerLove

This is beautiful, using the discriptions to bring out the emotions really works.
i found myself relating to this, as i think a lot of readers will.

i really enjoyed reading this.
you did an awesome job.

kim

It really grabbed my attention and appealed to me just by it's size. I was surprised how wonderful the poetry just drifted along the entire piece and did not loom over any particular area. Overall it's quite short but sweet and that's what grabbed my attention. Keep up the good work.

-Elitehusky

Wow. I really like this piece. It's beautiful and very emotive.
Keep up the good work!

i really enjoyed reading this post. however, i would like to point out that if you were sticking to shakespearean sonnet guidelines, you might want to rework some of the rhyme scheme.

azure,


The tense-shift that occurs throughout this is enough to undercut its legitimacy as a serious attempt. Either you don't understand tenses or you were simply grabbing for rhymes that "fit" in the form.

What's here might be salvageable with a serious reconstructive effort.


Best,
Brad

Hmm. It was pretty good. I could alomst feel what you were feeling when you wrote it. But the rhyming was a bit confusing. You would rhyme every other line, then there would be no rhymes at all, then there would be rhymes again. That got me confused. Besides that, good job.

~Spirit

Thanks for all of your comments! About the rhyme scheme.. well.. this was supposed to be a Petrarchan sonnet with the rhyme scheme ABBA-ABBA-CDCDCD though I have to confess that I accidentally interchanged two lines. Here's the corrected version. Thanks again for all of your advices!

Sunsets and Sorrows

Towards the setting sun I turn my gaze,
While melancholy welled up inside of me.
As the scenery draws out my heart’s plea,
My vision blurs with haze.
Tears illuminated by the sun’s rays,
Reflect the depths of my misery.
Making me realize how I’ve always been apart and lonely,
Living through life in a daze,
But then, twilight brings relief to me.
For as the sun sets and night descends,
Promising reprieve from a day of hypocrisy,
I felt the peace which I once only found in friends.
My heart feels lighter as I set my sorrows free,
And that in time everything mends.