Dark Star ch.1

He could taste the mouse, it was so close. Raul drew in, step by step. This time he must not miss.

Raul was about to pounce when...

"Raul! Come here!" A familiar scent drifted past him; the mouse stiffened, then darted away.

"Mark it all, Path! I had it!"

Path chuckled. "Dream on. I have a message for you." He let the importance of that sink in. "You're requested to meet Cyla at moonset. That's a polite way of putting it. She said, 'I'll have his tail if he doesn't come.'"

"Cyla!" The name slipped from him. "Why does she want to see me?"

"How should I know?" Path shrugged. "Wait, you don't think...."

Raul looked himself over. Gray fur, a thin tail and ordinary green eyes weren't much different from any cat. "I don't think she 'likes' me, no."

"I wouldn't worry. A cat who worries loses his courage." And with that, Path vanished into the barn. Raul was left alone with his thoughts.

Thank you all for your critiques.

The first line is a run-on. You either need to create two separate sentences, or properly combine them. A lone comma isn't going to work. The same problem occurs the next line down. You either need to remove "unawares" or add words before it to make it a proper phrase. Something along the lines of "The mouse chewed on, unaware of its impending doom."

Oh and cut out the ellipses.

Path chuckled. "Dream on. I have a message for you." He let the importance of that sink in. "You're requested to meet Cyla at moonset, and that's a polite way of putting it. She said, [s]'I'll[/s] she'll have [s]his[/s] your tail if [s]he[/s] you [s]doesn't[/s] don't come.'"

I don't know who Raul, Path, and Cyla are. I need you as the writer to provide detail so I feel that I do know them. The above quote is confusing and garbled. I think it can be fixed with a few simple tweaks, which I indicated in bold and slashes.

"No way! I'm no top cat."

I suppose if you'd like your character to have horrendous grammar, this is what you'd say.

Hunter was only a step from apprentice in Sable Claw. He wasn't handsome, with light gray fur and a thin build.His one distinguishing mark was a black ring on his right front leg.

Who is Hunter? Now I'm more confused than ever. I have no idea how Path's train of thought ended up there (if it's even Path speaking, I think I lost it a few lines ago). Now I'm left feeling that this is information is simply irrelevant.

I don't really understand this piece. I can't distinguish any of the cats from each other. There's no detail about them to help me remember them seperately.

Hunter was only a step from apprentice in Sable Claw. He wasn't handsome, with light gray fur and a thin build.His one distinguishing mark was a black ring on his right front leg.

Also, this part is a bit hard to understand. Who are you describing the apprentice or Hunter? It's hard for me to tell and why are you only describing one cat instead of all of them?

Another suggestion would be to expand on this to help the reader learn about the characters instead of feeling as if they were thrusted into a confusing story. Tell us about Hunter's job (being that he has an apprentice) how he came upon Sable Claw and his relationship with Cyla. Also try to explain the dynamics of the cats lives and government or what not but not in a info-dumpy way. A few sentences properly placed in the chapters can really help the reader understand.

I hope I helped!

Polka

It was too short for me to determine if it was a decently written peice or not, but what I can offer is that I liked it. It reminded me somewhat of a book that I'm reading Tailchasers Song its written similarly to that, and thats a good thing though, its told from a cats point of view without the cliche cat thoughts that everybody assumes a cat has.

Bravo. I couldn't find much wrong with it.

my edits will be in bold

Kyte wrote:He could almost taste the mouse, it was so close. Raul drew in, step by step. This time he must not miss.

The mouse chewed on, unaware of his presence. Raul was about to pounce when...

"Raul! Come here!" It darted away. what darted away? Raul? That's what it makes it seem lik here...

"Mark it all, Path! I had it!" Mark it all??

Path chuckled. "Dream on. Haha, "dream on", i love that quote I have a message for you." He let the importance of that sink in. "You're requested to meet Cyla at moonset. Moonset? Interesting term...I liked it That's a polite way of putting it. She said, 'I'll have his tail if he doesn't come.'"

"Cyla!" The name slipped from him. "Why does she want to see me?"

"How should I know?" The old tom shrugged. "Wait, you don't think...." Wait, Path is an "old tom"?? That's weird...I imagined him very differently

"No way! I'm no top cat." A hunter was only a step from an apprentice in Sable Claw. What? I didn't get the last sentence, what's a hunter, what's an apprentice? He wasn't handsome, with light gray fur and a thin build.His one distinguishing mark was a black ring on his right front leg.

"I wouldn't worry. A cat who worries loses his courage." Interesting quote...kind of obvious though And with that, Path vanished into the barn. Barn? You didn't mention a barn before... Raul was left alone with his thoughts.

I think that this is waaaaay too much of a spinoff of the Warriors series. If you haven't read it, that's better, but it does seem a lot like fanfic. I liked some parts of it, though. I've given you all the edits, and it doesn't seem like too much grammar stuff (if any), so...peace out! lol

Keep writing!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator

Yes, a cat story! Love those.

Good first sentence--very gripping. It pulled me in right away.

The mouse chewed on, unaware of his presence

Awkward sentence. I understand what you're trying to say, but the first clause is like: the mouse chewed on what? If that makes any sense. Maybe "the mouse continued chewing" or "the mouse gnawed its acorn, oblivious to Raul's presence."

The name "Path" is also awkward. Don't get me wrong--name choice is yours alone--but...yeah. I'm not sure yet. Maybe it works.

But I ADORE the name Cyla!

Raul looked himself over. Gray fur, a thin tail and ordianry green eyes weren't much different from any cat. "I don't think she 'likes' me, no."

I think this shows desperation on your part. You're too eager to show the reader what Raul looks like. We don't need this information now. It doesn't even flow with the context. By all means, use this description, but not here. You can say how Raul feels "ordinary", but you don't need the physical description just yet. There's more suspense that way.

Overall, very good. I hope you write more. PM me if you do.

This is short...

Critique:

Remove the ellipses. They are amateurish and corny (at least to me).

The name slipped from him.

Cyla seems like a pretty important kitty . Both Path and Raul seem to revere her. This sentence sounds like Raul doesn't know who she is.

Raul looked himself over.

He's not in a mirror. Does he have an omnipotent third eye or something? This isn't in first person so you, oh godly narrator, can tell the reader all about Raul's appearance without Raul looking at himself.

Good start. I would like some more description of the surroundings.

-Sakura

Short pieces always seem to get the most reviews for some reason.....

A few things:

"Raul! Come here!" The mouse darted away.

This makes me think the mouse said that.

Path chuckled. "Dream on. I have a message for you." He let the importance of that sink in.

A minor viewpoint switch here. Try: He paused to let the importance of that sink in.

"Cyla!" The name slipped from him. "Why does she want to see me?"

I thought he had forgotten about her because you used the term "slipped."

"How should I know?" The old tom shrugged. "Wait, you don't think...."

The old tom is rather vague. Replace with the proper name, or add the proper name above if you want this piece of characterization.

Overall I found this to be an interesting (albeit short) intro. I did, however, loose the sense of who was who for some lines.

I am wondering how close to Warriors this will end up as. Those books have influenced just about every new "animal clan" style of story.

This is a bit short to be called chapter one. Maybe Chapter One: Part One would fit better. It seems good so far. I'd like to see how things unfold. This leaves me with questions and anxious to get answers. Keep it up.