A Heart's Deluge

(To that one girl, whose heart I've yet to win...)



You once said to me you wish to lead
A life of love and simplicity.
All of these things I shall strive to give to thee
If ever you and I should come to be.

We’ll listen to the waves upon the sand
As we walk along the beach, hand in hand.
We’ll watch the sunset from the park,
Softly, together, waiting for the dark.

We’ll lose the world in each other’s eyes
And sigh for hours and never say good-bye.
These moments I shall strive to give to thee
All the time you and I should be.

We’ll cherish the snow and embrace the rain
We’ll share in all our joy and pain.
A single rose by waning candlelight,
Breathing deep the cool, beautiful night.

All these things I shall strive to give to thee
If ever you and I should come to be.

Hmm it's rather cliche, isn't it?

A lot of emotion ran through it though, that of love - obviously. I liked the structure, it made the flow a lot easier to work with when it was read through and it altogether was a nice piece.

Good work.

i really enjoyed the discriptions you used. i was able to mentally image them. it made hope the two get together. one will be very cherished. i liked it.
kim

Very nice!
You are grate at poetry!

~ Gwen

who's this girl that you speak of?

This is the worst piece of crap I've ever read. What were you thinking when you wrote this? My advice to you is never write again for as long as you live!

Nice, but yes, pretty cliche. But I think there was real emotion behind it, for sure. It was sweet and the rhyme was well-done, but it could be vastly improved with some fresher imagery, phrases and ideas.

i liked the theme of your poem and i thought you did a very good job of showing your feelings through it but, i think you could improve it. for example, nobody says "thee" anymore so you might want to think about a different word/phrase to use there or even a completely different rhyme scheme. keep working on it! i think it's really good.

It's time to return the favor. I also notice that you've run into a little hostility. Not fun is it?

The message really speaks to the hopeless romantic inside of me, but, as GingerLizzy said, it's kinda cliche. It's something all poets really have to strive to avoid, but it's hard because everything has already been done. Oh well.

You once said to me you wish to lead
A life of love and simplicity.
All of these things I shall strive to give to thee
If ever you and I should come to be.

I like this stanza alot, especially the "simplicity" part. People normally don't think simplicity and romance go together, but I like it. What I don't like about this stanza is the third line. "All of..." is too long and it compromises the effect of the rhyme with "thee". I'd shorten it up.

I like your use of "thee", but "we'll" gets repetitive. I don't know what you should replace it with, but it needs to vary more.

A single rose by waning candlelight,
Breathing deep the cool, beautiful night.

There, right there is the strength of your writing--the imagery. Yes, it's very pretty.

I like it, and I hope you find that girl because it sounds like you'll treat her well. Keep writing!

Some of the lines were a little too long to keep both the rhythm and the rhyme. Ex: "Softly, together, waiting for [s]the[/s] dark" and "These moments I shall strive to give [s]to[/s] thee"

The second to last stanza was nice because it was something different, or presented differently, than the traditional thoughts of walking on the beach and sunsets type of romance.

Make sure you're dropping the rhyme at the end to fit the poem, not writing the poem to the rhyme.

Weatherthestorm wrote:(To that one girl, whose heart I've yet to win...)

You once said to me you wish to lead
A life of love and simplicity.
All of these things I shall strive to give to thee
If ever you and I should come to be.

<<'Thee' sounds a little odd in contrast to the rest of the poem...but even if you didn't change it, it would still be quite good.>>

We’ll listen to the waves upon the sand
As we walk along the beach, hand in hand.
We’ll watch the sunset from the park,
Softly, together, waiting for the dark.

<<I think you should get rid of the 'the' before 'dark'>>

We’ll lose the world in each other’s eyes
And sigh for hours and never say good-bye.
These moments I shall strive to give to thee
All the time you and I should be.

<<Again with the 'thee'. It doesn't bother me too much, but still.>>

We’ll cherish the snow and embrace the rain
We’ll share in all our joy and pain.
A single rose by waning candlelight,
Breathing deep the cool, beautiful night.

<<I love that stanza--it has some beautiful imagery. I'm not quite sure what you mean by the rose by candlelight, but it sounds really good.>>

All these things I shall strive to give to thee
If ever you and I should come to be.

OVERALL:
I quite liked this.
Romantic poetry isn't usually my thing, but you wrote it in such a way that I couldn't help but like it. The imagery was great and I loved the way you arranged the words and stanzas.
Keep writing poetry,
.:Ayra:.

P•S•- Don't pay attention to Coash Jonez. They're just an immature...er, negative person trying to get attention.