the last dance

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Your eyes scream at me. How do you make your eyes scream? They scream how much you love me and I try to turn away. I try so hard to look the other way. I suddenly become very absorbed in a daffodil. I concentrate on the yellow of the leaves, on the fringe of burnt brown that lies delicately on the petal closest to the wall. It is very still. The whole night is still. Nature seems to be sleeping for moment, or possibly just preparing. The puddles of water that line my grey driveway hardly move, just gently sway a little when a car rolls by. Yet there is something unnerving about the stillness. It is an expectant stillness- it promises an uneasy future. The air lies heavy on my shoulder and my top sticks to pale skin, though it is not hot.

I can't keep ignoring you if you keep looking at me like that.

You are moving closer, closer. Another inch or two and your jeans will touch mine. I cannot move much further away, unless I want to fall off this ledge. A soft whisper of your breath washes over me. It has no smell but the smell of breath- warm, damp, gentle.

I am going to break your heart tonight. I already have broken your heart, too many time sto count. Why do you keep coming back? Why are you always here, late at night when all the others have gone back home? Why can't you understand the word no? Everynight, I carefully pluck away your hope, toss it to the wind. Yet the next time you return, hope blooming in your face.

And you know, I can't refuse you. I couldn't just say "go away". How can I turn away such open love? You look at me and I- I see myself through your eyes. You think I'm perfect. You see something in me that, for all my staring in the mirror, I fail to notice. The way you look at me, I feel like a princess. I am everything to you and I can't just turn that away. So, I tell you "No", but I don't stop flirting. I say "you don't have a chance", but I don't stop waving you over. This is a ridiculous game we play.

You are my drug. I know I should put a stop to this. But I am not strong enough. I am as weak as you, in my own way. Weaker, maybe. Your weakness comes from something pure - love. But mine comes from vanity.

You twirl a lighter in your hands and we sit in silence, watching it. You open your mouth to speak, then close it. I gather up my courage, get up, walk to the steps to my front door, get ready to climb them. Look at you, see the pale white of your knuckles, the flush in your cheeks. Lose my courage. Sit down on the first step.

The unsaid words spark against each other in the air. I am sure that if I look a little harder, I will see little flames from the friction. All I see is a cloudless sky, a sliver of moon.

"I can't stop."

Your voice breaks a little. I swallow hard. Here we go. This is it. This is the last dance.

"I know why you don't- feel the same. I'm not- like those other boys-"

"That isn't true! No, Ross, I-" It isn't true, you are wrong. It isn't about "those other boys". You just don't take my breath away. You don't make my heart stop, my brain explode, don't sweep me off my feet. You don't give me that all consuming, fireworks feeling. You aren't a rainbow or a shooting star. You are a daisy in a field of roses.

"No, it is true. They look at you. Yeah, they do. I can't compete with that. But-"

"Ross, no. You're fine! Seriously, you are. It's just...I can't force this? Do you understand? Can you understand that? Please, it's not you. It's just- it's everything."

A tear slips down your cheek. You put your head back, stare at the cloudless sky, stare at that tiny sliver of moon, like an eye half closed.

In contrast, I put my head down. Nestle it in my knees. I cannot bear to see you cry. I am tearing you. We are sitting here and your heart is breaking. I though hearts only broke in the midst of a storm, with screaming speeches and love letters floating in the wind. I thought hearts only broke when there was a concert soundtrack, when there was a symphony of sound and music.

But no, just silence and a siren far away. I look up at you, hoping to see your eyes dry. But, no, they are full of glassy tears. You are losing me and I feel your pain with you. I try to soak it from you, hoping I can carry it as well. Then, you wipe your eyes. You fiddle with the beads around your neck, little tiny brown beads from some distant island that rich Daddy took you to. Eventually you unlock the clasp and the string swings loose, whipping the air like a snake. You stand up, clear your thraot. You look taller. You press the necklace in your hands and it is such a perfect gesture, so firm but so sweet. I am living in a movie, for a moment.

"I'm gonna take off. And I- I probably won't see you. I shouldn't. So, take care, yeah? And- yeah. yeah, take care of yourself."

Wait, you mean, you won't see me again? You won't call me every five seconds of the day to talk about nothing? Won't listen to me cry when the world feels like it's breaking? Won't buy me ice-cream and lie on the grass while a storm pours, catching rain in our mouths? Won't watch late-night tv with me and make fun of the weird hairstyles?

"Don't walk away." I hear myself say. But I say it too softly, far too softly. You are turning the corner, rustling the leaves of the bush with your hands. A flower falls as your run your hand by it and I swear I hear it hit the ground, the night is so quiet.

I thought you would be the one to lose tonight.

So why do I feel like I did?




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Youd pace. Okay narrative and diction. The flow was a little choppy, but could be fixed easily with some minor revisions. However, it seemed very superficial, and I didn't get the idea that you really knew who these characters were, or what you were talking about.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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that's weird because those chracters are me and my friend and it happened to me....ah well, it was just a practice piece anyways so it's all good :wink:




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Actually, the fact that they are real people could be the problem. You know yourself and the other people so well that you don't realize you're not including enough details.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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Likewise, maybe you and your friends are just really superficial.

I've long suspected everything we say is somewhat cliche and therefore there is no real character "development" to be had.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




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hahahaha. there is something about everything you say that amuses me :)

maybe we are superficial, i couldn't say.

but i think this is just a really crap story. of course there is character development to be had in some cases.

i don't think everything anyone says is somewhat cliché - that would be horribly depressing, i think.
"And Matt Muir. Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It's like the first time I heard the Beatles" Superbad




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Why is everyone so obesessed about whether or not something is cliched? Sometimes things are used a lot for reasons other than a lack of imagination or talent.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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hahaha, wow...

this gets worse and worse!

so now i have a lack of imagination and talent?!

#shoots self#

:D
"And Matt Muir. Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It's like the first time I heard the Beatles" Superbad




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Never said that. My point was the there are other reasons for people using ideas that are commonly thought of as cliches.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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I really like this. There were parts were it could be better, but it was a goo beginning. The idea may be cliche, but life is cliche. Nothing ever happens to someone that hasn't happened somewhere before. I liked that this was about you because it made it more personal. And some people don't have the courage to write about anything real.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.




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It's not bad, but there are some spelling errors. I like the way you narrated it, as if it was happening right now. I love how you described the moon like a half closed eye, it's very poetic. A few grammar mistakes, but all in all, a great story.
Georgie
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M




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You wrote a lot of this in second person, which gave it a new twist, never mind cliches. At some points you did tend to get a little prosy and overly dramatic, but that's your style. I think you captured the narrator's (your) confusion very well. Write on.




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Wow! Now that I have stopped reading this I actually realise that no,I'm not watching that all happen but yeah,I'm still here at my computer.

Seriously-I have no clue what caused the others to feel so badly about your story. Im my mind-thjis draws you in,catches you-It's an un-usual but real experience.

You had terrific description,excellent feeling and above all an amazing plot!

Don't listen to them!
You are a wrtier-I can feel it.
PLease keep writing and tell me what happens. PM AND follow me so i will know when you've written more!
I mean i don't think you should write more-ist perfect and it adds suspense,but I just NEED to know what happens between them?! Maybe PM what happens if you don't want to write more..
I'm following you!

Good luck now!
I'll be loookin out for more of your stories!!
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If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong. :P




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I like the similes, metaphors, and imagery. Overall, you are very talented, and you need to keep writing. I could honestly feel the emotion between both the characters (:
I want a lover I don't have to love.



Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson