Angel's Feather chapter 1

A voice was screaming in my ear: "Open your wings!
No one else can save you!"

What were they talking about? I didn't have any wings. I tried to shout, but wind snatched my words away. Somewhere there must be a safe landing spot...

“Wake up, Ben! For heaven’s sake, wake up!”

I shuddered and forced open my eyes. “What time is it?” I managed.

“Three-thirty,” replied Wes. “Man, are you all right?”

“Not really. I keep having the same dream: I’m falling into water, and I can’t even call for help.” Wes nodded.

“I used to have a dream like that. It'll go away."

Hours later the morning bell sounded, and another day at Riverside Junior High began.

Wes and I were the only boarding students this year. That meant we had time to dawdle over breakfast and talk about our plans. Mine was to go on to college and get a degree in physical science. Wes had a more interesting goal: to become the head of a game company.

As we sauntered in to breakfast, I teased, “So, Mr. Manager, did you turn out any hits last night?”

Wes grinned as he replied. “As a matter of fact I did!
It’s a huge success already.” We both cracked up.

“That is so not funny,” Jess said from behind us.

“Ah, so Miss Personality has deigned to speak to us lowly boarders,” I said with a smirk.

“Knock it off, Ben.”

I made a face of pretend horror. Wes laughed.

We got into line, and I noticed that a girl I hadn’t seen before was a few kids behind us. “New student,” I whispered.

“I see her,” Wes replied.

As I sat down, I saw the girl smiling at me. I smiled back and patted the seat next to me.

“Hi,” she said. “My name’s Monica.”

"I’m Ben, and this is Wes.”

Monica grinned. “Nice to meet you,” she said. She had the most amazing voice, a kind of whispery tenor. She was tall, with black hair that she kept long. Her eyes were deep blue and reminded me of a gem I'd seen.

“So, are you boarding this year?” I asked, hoping she’d say yes.

“Boarding? I wish. No, I have to live in a foster home.”

I felt sympathy for her. I knew first-hand what it felt like to lose your parents. “Well, it could be worse,” I said quietly.

She nodded. “My folks are nice, when they even know I’m there.” Taking a big bite of oatmeal, she grimaced. “What do they put in this stuff?”

“Too much salt,” I replied.

We went our separate ways. I kept thinking, I have a new friend now. Things will be great.

I like it! There's still some things that I would change though.



.....“Not really. I keep having the same dream: I’m falling into water, and I can’t even call for help.” First, if I was haveing such a horrifying dream, I wouldn't be discussing it so easily, especially just after I woke up. You might want to make him more hesitant about talking about it. Secondly, I think the line 'Wes nodded' is supposed to be part of the next paragraph.Wes nodded.

“I used to have a dream like that. With me, though, I was falling into this green slime.” He grimaced, as if the memory left a sour taste in his mouth. “Anyway, you’d better get up now.”

Hours later the morning bell sounded. Another day at Riverside names like Riverside are really common in stories for schools, high schools in particular. You might want a more creative name. Junior High was beginning.

Wes and I were the only boarding students this year. That meant we had time to dawdle over breakfast and talk about our plans. Mine was to go on to college and get a degree in physical science. Wes had a more interesting goal: to become the head of a game company.

As we sauntered in to breakfast, I teased, “So, Mr. Manager, did you turn out any hits last night?”

Wes grinned as he replied. “As a matter of fact I did! It’s a huge success already.” We both cracked up.

“That is so not funny,” Jess said from behind us.

“Ah, so Miss Personality has deigned to speak to us lowly boarders,” I said with a smirk.

“Know it off, Ben.” shouldn't that be 'knock it off?

I made a face of pretend horror. Wes laughed.

We got into line, and I noticed that a girl I hadn’t seen I would add the word 'before' here was a few kids behind us. “New student,” I whispered.

“I see her,” Wes replied.

....

“Boarding? I wish. No, I have to live in a foster home.” couldn't she still board anyways?

I felt sympathy for her. I knew first-hand what it felt like to lose your parents. “Well, it could be worse,” I said quietly.

She nodded. “My folks are nice, when they even know I’m there.” Taking a big bite of oatmeal, she grimaced. “What do they put in this stuff?”

“Too much salt,” I replied.


Good Story! I really like it. PM me with any questions/comments or when you write more!

i really like how you started this out. and the dialogue between the two friends is very good. you should add a lttle more discription , just to give the reader a better mental image.

this is going to be great.
well i am off to read ch 2

kim

Hey Kyte! Just a few things:

I felt myself being sucked down, down, into the black water… I screamed, my voice lost in the wind. I didn’t want to die!

“Wake up, Ben! For heaven’s sake, wake up!”

Uh oh. Clichéd beginning. Dreams have been used A LOT in stories. Can you try and be original? Maybe not by changing the whole idea, but by making the dreams more unique.

“What… what time is it?”

Writers often use this. Personally, I hate them. Here is not really a good place to use them either. He's just woken up screaming, so he might be panting or jumpy, but he won't be slow and lethargic. The use of ellipses implies the dialogue is trailing off. Here, it won't be.
The repetition will mean he's stuttering/stammering, so try using dashes (these things: - ) instead of the ellipses.

“I used to have a dream like that. With me, though, I was falling into this green slime.”

Hehe. This is actually quite funny! Although, I don't think you intended it to be .

Another day at Riverside Junior High was beginning.

Here you've used the passive tense where you could have used the active. Basically, you used 'ing' on the end of the verb rather than making 'begun' the main verb. Try it as: "Another day at Riverside Junior High began."

“That is so not funny,” Jess said from behind us.

Why not take the opportunity here to give us a little information about Jess. Not too much, but a little so the reader can build up their mental picture.

“Hi,” she said. “My name’s Monica.”

Clearly Ben likes her, but again, perhaps you could describe her a little?

“Boarding? I wish. No, I [s]have to [/s]live in a foster home.”

To be honest, if a REAL person was asked that, they wouldn't say 'have to' even if they felt it. It's making her seem like a character, and not a real human.

Taking a big bite of oatmeal, she grimaced. “What do they put in this stuff?”

“Too much salt,” I replied.

However, this bit is brilliant. It's a very nice bit of dialogue and it really brings your characters to life. More like this, please!

Brrring, went the bell.

Really, this is childish writing. You could make it as simple as 'the bell rang' and it would be better. Have a think about this sentence and how you could make it better.


As a whole, your writing lacks description. I have no real image of the canteen in my head, nor of the characters. That doesn't leave a lot left, does it? I recommend that you go through this and add detail. But, be careful you don't info-dump. Try adding description through the actions of your characters. You seem to have a good set of characters though, so I'll catch up with your next part and see how they've developed.


Charlie

Hey Kyte,
I really like this and I'm interested in reading more

You have some nice dialogue, but I think you could use some more description. Exspecially you charcters could be described a lot more, as the other posts already pointed out.

Other than that, nice read!

All the best & keep it up
~Kalli

Interesting beginning indeed. However the dream beginning doesn't work well, too cliche and some of the dialog irked me, but otherwise this is interesting and pretty good. I just wish you put more detail into your characters rather then the dialog for them.

This is nice...I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes writing about boarding schools...

Just a few things...

“I used to have a dream like that. With me, though, I was falling into this green slime.”

It's just a bit random, don't you think? Unless of course, he's talking about having it when he was about seven or so. But then I don't think it would leave a bad taste. I don't know. Just my own opinion...

Wes and I were the only boarding students this year. That meant we had time to dawdle over breakfast and talk about our plans. Mine was to go on to college and get a degree in physical science. Wes had a more interesting goal: to become the head of a game company.

I'm all for putting in their ambitions, but surely they talk about other things as well. Maybe something like That meant we had time to dawdle over breakfast and talk about the latest gossip, what classes we had, sport and our plans. That's pretty bad, but something like that...

But on the whole, it's good!