Jena

I brushed my thick black hair out of my eyes so I could get a better view out the dashboard. I stared at our now sold house as it became smaller and smaller as we drove further and further away.

"Jena dear, put on your seat belt," demanded my mother seeing me standing up.

"Why do we have to leave?" I complained even though I knew it was a dumb question. My mother gave me a look as my seat belt clicked loudly into place.

"Your hardworking father has gotten a better job in Maine," answered my mother.

Well the job he had was good enough! I thought stubbornly.

"Besides," my father added, "Lewiston is only about ninety miles away. I rolled my eyes. How in the world did my father know these kinds of things?
Then I raised an eyebrow.

"Only?" I asked sourly. My father just sighed as silence followed. I started drumming my fingers on the leather seat which made a low thudding sound as the uncomfortable silence continued. Then I started to tap my feet and hum an annoying tune. I started to hum louder and louder. I stopped abruptly when my mother swiveled around on her seat to face me.

"Cut it out Jena! Its giving me a headache! I am sorry you don't like the idea of moving, but you have no other choice than to follow!" shouted my mom in a dangerous tone.

I stared at her red face, my face blank. I looked away after a while from her angry eyes to the window. It was still early in the morning, but the surroundings were clear from the usual fog. I closed my eyes as I felt suddenly very tired.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

My eyes were sealed tight with a layer of sleep and my mouth felt disgusting. I regretted falling asleep feeling how disgusting I felt. I rubbed my eyes and forced them open. I realized that the car was still and both of my parents were not with me. I looked out the window to see another car. I unbuckled my seat belt and stood up and found that there were more cars. I was in a parking lot packed with cars so close together it looked like one big metal pile. I looked beyond the "metal pile" and spotted the white plaza. This was a rest stop. For some reason I was cross at my parents for not waking me up. Suddenly, I realized how hungry I was as my stomach grumbled. I was just about to open the door when I realized it was locked. I could have opened it, but not with the alarm going off. I sunk back into the seat. I guess I will have to wait for my parents to come back.

I looked out the window a million times and I was starting to get a little impatient. I then closed my eyes angrily and decided to wait five minutes before opening my eyes. Instead I ended up sleeping, again.

I brushed my thick black hair out of my eyes so I could get a better view out the dashboard. I stared at our now sold house as it became smaller and smaller as you used as twice in that sentence; it would sound better if you put and the second time we drove further and further away.

... I closed my eyes as I felt suddenly very tired.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

My eyes were sealed tight with a layer of sleep and my mouth felt disgusting. I regretted falling asleep feeling how disgusting I felt. that's a wierdly phrased line. 'I regretted falling asleep because I felt disgusting. that might work better. I rubbed my eyes and forced them open. ...
I sunk back into the seat. I guess I will you should have 'would' here instead of will have to wait for my parents to come back.

I looked out the window a million times that sounds literal. and I was starting to get a little impatient. I then closed my eyes angrily and decided to wait five minutes before opening my eyes. Instead I ended up sleeping, again.[/i]

I like it! PM me if you have any questions/comments or when you write more!!

Yay! Your writing makes me happy!

You're very good with characterization; I can clearly picture everything your characters do. And the last scene was wonderfully spooky. It sort of reminded me of Spirited Away.

I started drumming my fingers on the leather seat which made a low thudding sound as the uncomfortable silence continued. Then I started to tap my feet and hum an annoying tune. I started to hum louder and louder.

You say "started" a lot in this paragraph. To make your writing stronger, say , "I drummed my fingers," and "I tapped my feet."

Great job!

Ah, yes, getting moved across the country for the sake of one's dad's job. I feel even more like I can identify with Jena. XD In any case, I'm enjoying this more and more, can't wait for the rest of the story!

As for critique.... Perhaps, again, you might want to glance over it a few times, there are some awkward phrases such as the one Swirl Antara mentioned about feeling disgusting. There are also a few somewhat choppy sentences that might sound better combined with other sentences, such as:

I brushed my thick black hair out of my eyes so I could get a better view out the dashboard. I stared at our now sold house as it became smaller and smaller as we drove further and further away.

It might sound a little better to put these together, (I brushed my thick black hair out of my eyes so I could get a better view out the dashboard, staring at our now sold house... etc.) But this could also turn the sentence into a run-on... maybe varying the sentence beginnings instead would help a bit? I obviously don't really know what I'm talking about. XD

Anyhow, brilliant job, I can't wait to hear more! You've got a really strong start here!

Hey! This is way good! Is this the first chapter in that other one I read...the bookworm one? It has the same charactor.

Anyway, this was way good. I loved the ending. Totally mystified me. I wonder where the parents are. Ohhh...this is scary! Anyway, great job! Didn't notice any errors, and I can tell that you have fun writing. Your charators seem very lifelike, and you put great personalities with them!

Well, great job! I loved it! PM me if you post more!

BBB