The Dark Room

sweat slides along strings of black twine
carving grooves in her pale flesh
the blood vessel orchestra pounds in her ears
hinges creak
door opens
it enters the room
lifts the mask
the face of her lover
her enemy
her killer

I know it's a choppy near the end but I wrote this in 5 minutes. =P

"the blood vessel orchestra pounds in her ears"

the end was certainly choppy, you know that, so no need to critique. i just thought i'd tell you i really loved that line.

Any suggestions on how I could make the end smoother?

Uh, spend more than five minutes on it?

Seriously.

The problem with this poem is that it doesn't connect. You start out with a really creepy, really cool idea, but then it dissolves and there's no suspense and no interest.

Use imagery like you started out with and maybe it'll work a little better.

Unless there is a reason you're not using any punctuation marks, I suggest you use those in order to show certain ideas. I couldn't get a feel for the rhythm; even though lack of punctuations means a faster rhythm (no pause) not all of these words seem like they should be fast. Also, make your theme clearer (I have the same problem so it's okay.)

I would say that this one doesn't really have a rhythm, I'm kind of new to poetry but I'm pretty sure that a rhythm is not required.

So this is a free form poem, correct? If it doesn't need rhythm or anything. That's great, I love free form. But yours was pretty choppy. I'd suggest thinking out the idea, and messing with it. Write down any ideas you have.

I love the beginning, by the way. The first three lines were amazing, but the ending ruined it.

Good luck!

MERRY WRITING!!!
~Bella~

Is the ending bad because the idea is stupid or just because it's badly written?

I'd say because it's badly written. The best way I can describe it is this-->when a person gets up to talk, they start loudly, with confidence. Then, if they forget their point, they slow down and fade away until they sit down. That's what I saw in this poem.

sweat slides along strings of black twine
carving grooves in her pale flesh
the blood vessel orchestra pounds in her ears
hinges creak
door opens

This is creepy. See the imagery. It's confident.

it enters the room
lifts the mask
the face of her lover
her enemy
her killer

I see no good imagery in here. It's sloppy, incoherent, and lacks confidence.

I don't mind the free verse or lack of puntcuation (although you might want to consider that for your next poem). What you need to do is spend more time on it (more than 5 minutes), and rewrite the ending.

Lucifer,


The first chunk of this reads like overmodified prose. I assume "twine" is the descriptor you've chosen for "hair"--a metaphor that simply clunks to its death almost before it's articulated.

What is it you are hoping a reader will take away from this? I, for one, have no clue, and I don't think it'll reveal itself upon subsequent re-readings.


Best,
Brad

No... twine as in bindings.

I definitely agree with all that's been said. Spend more than five minutes on a poem. Honestly, if you're not going to take your writing seriously enough to spend some quality time on it, then your reader sure isn't.

Lucifer wrote:I would say that this one doesn't really have a rhythm, I'm kind of new to poetry but I'm pretty sure that a rhythm is not required.

I want to discuss this for now. Technically...a rhythm is not "required". Nothing is "required" in poetry, but many things are highly recommended. In free verse, you don't need to have a rigid rhythmic structure, no iambic pentameter, etc. But you still have to acknowledge that all human speech and all human sound, for that matter, has rhythm.
Your poetry should reflect that. The best poets can express everything without sounding odd linguistically. Look at Frost, the prime example of using everyday speech patterns to create fantastic poetry. Saying, "Poetry doesn't have to have rhythm," is no excuse for not using it to your advantage.
Right now, it sounds very choppy...like pieces of sentences spliced together with nothing in between.
You would also do well to practice rhythm, rhyme, punctuation, grammar, etc. And don't say, "It's free verse, I can do whatever I want!" Don't break the rules until you've learned them.

Better luck next time.
-Colleen

Oh no I'm going to spend some time on it, probably tonight.

I just wanted a bit of feedback, is all.