Snakes of Tempered Steel

Here's a rewrite. See if this is any better.

What a wonder this is
that you, my angel, would come down to me
with your flaming snakes of tempered steel
pointed at my chest.
As I see the ruby rivers flowing
from the gorges that you carved in my soul,
I look up at your face and see
your lovely features, now grotesque
and misshapen, lit by the fire
surrounding us.
Life itself is short-lived
as my broken self begins to fall,
fall under the sweet embrace,
of the Lord of Darkness.

Another short but great poem. Your a good writer.

Okay.

This poem, as a whole, does not add up to what the title says it is. The snakes of tempered steel have nothing to do with the actual intention of the poem -- I have the suspicion that you threw that phrase in because you thought it sounded cool.

This is a emo poem, yes?

As I see the crimson rivers flowing
from the gorges of my despair.

Yes...that just about confirms it. Gorges = cuts, crimson rivers = blood. Mhm. (And how do you feel about that? )

The main problem about this is the lack of action. You're telling and not showing. Showing gives us a reason to sympathize with you. It is what divides emo poetry from good poetry -- emo is all, "pity me!" whereas a good poem with the same sort of feeling covers up the real emotion and lets it out slowly. I have no good examples, but that's what I believe would be a truly good "pity" poem.

Bottom line? Show and do not tell.

That was rather quick...

Well, PM me if you have any questions on the review. Which you probably do, it is much too brief. Welcome to the site, by the way! ^_^ Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on it or would like a critique.

~Sumi

So. You've got a poem. It's a fine poem, it has some effective lines - but in my opinion, it doesn't function very well as a whole.

blackstorm wrote:What a wonder this is
your flaming snakes of tempered steel.

I'm assuming this is referring to blood welling, and the "tempered steel" is a knife. But why the "you"? Are you addressing the knife? I like that idea, but if that's the case, why is it not referenced again?

As I see the crimson rivers flowing
from the gorges of my despair.

Okay, so it's about cutting. But.

Life itself is fleeting
as my broken self begins to fall,
fall under the sweet embrace
of the Lord of Darkness.

So you went from [in my interpretation] addressing a knife to pondering your state of despair to bemoaning the brevity of life to a conversion to Theistic Satanism? And all in eight lines.

I'm not entirely sure how to address this, partially because I know how sometimes the subjects of our poems hit a little close to home, so I'm going to try teaching by example here. Here are eight lines from a poet you've heard of at one point or another:

Shakepeare wrote:When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate.
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featur'd like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least

So the first eight lines of Sonnet 29 are pretty much about how the speaker hates his own guts. He's an outcast, wandering somewhere on the outskirts of humanity, probably somewhere near your gorge of despair. In short - no one likes him, he's all by himself, and no one cares about him; he thinks he's ugly and untalented. Apparently people have been emo since the Elizabethan age.

This is where I disagree with people who give the advice to write poems with less "I" and "me" in them. Shakespeare is VERY forward with the fact that sometimes he (or the narrator) pretty much wants to fall off the face of the earth. So what's the difference? Focus, word choice, and syntax.

Instead of trying to express so many ideas in such a short poem, first try putting together a few lines that are focused on just one image or thought. Pay close attention to your enjambment - read it out loud and make sure the stresses fall where you want them to. Try to expand your vocabulary a little as well - if Shakespeare had said "weak" instead of "bootless," it wouldn't have had the same effect.

Anyway, you've got a good start here - I think that expanding on that concept of addressing the knife would be an interesting point to begin another poem. Happy writing!

Hated it. There are far too many poems about the exact same thing to make me like this. You're presenting something as dramatic that has already been presented too many times to be shocking or dramatic at all. Maybe it's you being new, maybe it's me being cynical, but I really did not like this poem in the slightest. Try writing about something else. You have a decent style, it's the subject matter that made me retch.

Mercifully short. Lets start from a wide perspective and hone in.

This topic has been shot, strangled, poisoned, drawn and quartered... To really make a point about this, it behooves you to bring up a new idea. A new perspective. Something new! I don't see it.

[s]The poem felt insincere. Sumi has already pointed out that the title "feels like you put it in because it sounded cool."[/s] I agree, too much of this felt like you chose a popular topic and tried to use really impressive sounding language. [s]Does this mean that the poem was insincere? Of course not, I won't make that kind of judgement. But if I hand it to a random person, they won't believe it.[/s]

The number one reason why I dislike this poem is because the phrasing is cliche and seemingly devoid of any creativity. "gorges of despair" was the greatest offender without question. But, lets not spare "fall under the sweet embrace" and crimson rivers flowing".



Ok. I am not poet myself, but I feel obliged to help you make this better. Your other poem on this board is not so bad, so I know that you are capable of less cringe-worthy work.
My advice is to go for a more interesting concept then this. Or an interesting perspective. No writer should tread willingly on such cliched ground as this without having something new to say!!!. "Writing it more poetically then the last guy" isn't good enough.
But then your words need to display this new perspective as well. Blood is always described as crimson, can you add nothing else? Embraces are always sweet, challenge yourself to describe them differently. And please avoid such lines as "gorges of despair".

The fact that you are on this site seems evidence enough that you are intersted and willing to improve. Good luck!


NOTE: My crit has been edited based on Blackstorm's response. Upon review, I think the majority of my comments still apply. I have struck the ones that don't.


"the flaming swords are actually flaming swords"

This stumped me for a bit. All I can honestly say about this is that if your whole poem is a metaphor, you shouldn't expect people to pick out the one literal line. As how flaming swords have anything to do with anything, you guess is as good as mine.

Why would this make you retch? I'm sorry but this is not an emo poem. It is about betrayal. The "gorges of my despair" part is about the despair in the heart and soul about the betrayal. And the entire poem is about the betrayer attacking the victim and the vitcim dying and being overwhelmed with sorrow.

Therefore the "you" part is not addressed to the knife but to the betrayer.

And the flaming swords are actually flaming swords.

blackstorm wrote:Why would this make you retch? I'm sorry but this is not an emo poem. It is about betrayal. The "gorges of my despair" part is about the despair in the heart and soul about the betrayal. And the entire poem is about the betrayer attacking the victim and the vitcim dying and being overwhelmed with sorrow.

Therefore the "you" part is not addressed to the knife but to the betrayer.

And the flaming swords are actually flaming swords.

Okay, I read your PM... and this just confuddles me even more.

So it's about someone cutting you down and making you feel betrayed? If so, capitalize on the voice here. And where are the flaming swords? I thought they were snakes. If you're using snakes as swords, I would rethink that metaphor - snakes are kind of, erm, wiggly. Swords generally aren't... though that would be really cool. A wiggly sword.

Since we're all interpreting in a way that you're considering incorrect. maybe it's time to rethink your word choice and narration style to provide a little more clarity here and there.

This can be a great poem. I belieeeeeve in yoooou!

Better! Much better. At least this time around it makes sense. I am not the biggest fan of this dark style, but that's me. I think it's making a mountain out of a molehill, overexaggerating the seriousness of anything that could realistically happen, being overly self pitying, and you still kept in that line "snakes of tempered steel" which so many of us disliked. I still don't like it, but it's a matter of taste, and I applaud you for trying. There's a large audience that probably would find this enthralling.

Rigel wrote:and you still kept in that line "snakes of tempered steel"

I know, I still imagine this person brandishing these silver wiggly things, but maybe that's just because I'm so weird. XD

I agree, I think the second version is greatly improved! It's clear what the poem is about now - someone who turned around and hurt the narrator unexpectedly in an act of betrayal. There's not that fuzzy area with the imagery any more. Yey :3

Sorry. Let me explain the "snakes of tempered steel" part. They're not wiggly but the betrayer can move them about so quickly that they seem like a cobra or some other snake striking. Well, that's how I see it.

This good,

with your flaming snakes of tempered steel

You lost me there.

As I see the ruby rivers flowing
from the gorges that you carved in my soul,
I look up at your face and see
your lovely features, now grotesque
and misshapen, lit by the fire
surrounding us.

This was nice, I really liked this.

I think this is a good poem, cant wait for your other work(s)

Why'd you make it longer? There's nothing wrong with a short poem matey.

Other than that though, I liked this, it was pretty cool and you have a lot of imagery. You have some nice emotions here too, as well as the main idea.