Cardiacide

She was bleeding pheromones
like a dying soldier
fatally wounded, hemorrhaging, exuding
attraction by the gallon.

The way she walked
Seductively, celestially
killed them
(One down, only God knows how many more)
She knew exactly what she was doing.
I could tell.

The bodies were laid out
bagged, tagged, and embalmed.
Their epitaphs would read,
“Murdered by her.”
They never had a chance, you know
Her blood was like acid on their hearts,
their temptations,
their libertinism.

Cardiacide.

Her looks really could kill.
That beau monde undertaker:
who shattered hearts in time with a second hand.

Kylan--


A nice idea here behind the writing. Notice, though, that S1, like the strophes that follow, is weighed down with a bunch of useless adjectivial description. Fat-trimming will help.

The repetition of words like "murder" and "death" don't add anything to this. I'd suggest you use them as sparsely as you can. e.g., L1S5 can be cut entirely to no loss.


Best,
Brad

the first paragraph confused me some. this was very dark, and emotionally hard to read. although you did a great job writing it. the discription was very vivid. gruesome.
although i personally do not like reading gruesome. i found this to be well written.
great job.

kim

I really liked the bleeding pheromones/soldier part in the beginning, but I think the following adjectives just bogged things down without adding much that was helpful. It's something that works better when it stands alone.

Similarly in the second stanza, the transition of "she walked" to "killed them" was a little odd for me; almost like there were too many verbs in a row. Also, this stanza is in multiple verb tenses, making it a tad awkward. I like the separation of "I could tell" at the end.

In the third stanza, I think the "bagged, tagged, and embalmed" could stand out and be better noticed if the same device (listing of adjectives/adverbs) weren't used so many times elsewhere in the poem. I don't understand she significance of "Murdered by her", etc, to the end of the stanza. It seems almost bland in comparison to the image you started with.

Same with "Her looks really could kill." It's such an obvious statement compared with the carefully worded things that precede. The very last line, I know what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure if it works so well. I wonder if it's a little to late to be bringing time into the poem? And it seems like she's doing more than just shattering hearts.

I don't know what cardiacide means! And I can sort of kind of not really guess, but I'm lost *flail*

My advice is to go back to the first stanza and make sure you know what was so good about it, compared with the rest of the poem..

I would call this poem half-baked. You sound like you know what you're doing, but the poem itself is not ready for eating up.

Here's a line by line commentary:

She was bleeding pheromones I really like this line--it starts with a really strong image that clearly fits the warlike mood of the poem.
like a dying soldier a dying soldier who just bleeds. Because a dying soldier does not bleed pheromones. Still, it's good.
fatally wounded, hemorrhaging, exuding Guck. What does this do to the poem? It just makes it so much amature. It sounds like you were in a mad spree and just wanted to tell the reader what the whole thing is about. Show. This is very unlike you.
attraction by the gallon. I sort of like this one, because it ties in with the first line and sorts of helps the reader make sense of this stanza, unlike the second like that just complicated everything.

The way she walked Show, don't tell
Seductively, celestially You know all those poems that are just adjectives with no actual nouns? Yeah. This is how boring it feels.
killed them Maybe include how they died--blood, all that good stuff.
One down, only God knows how many more) I like this one because I can sort of understand it.
She knew exactly what she was doing. Okay, I forgot to tell you: Don't capitalize the first letter of lines that have no dots preceding them. It works better.
I could tell. This sudden "I", first person, does not fit. It just damages the poem even more.

The bodies were laid out Mmm!
bagged, tagged, and embalmed. I like this one, because you don't just say "orderly, disgustingly". It's like saying "pale and cold" instead of "dead and lifeless".
Their epitaphs would read,
“Murdered by her.” I don't get this...
They never had a chance, you know Chance to what? This is a really puzzling line!
Her blood was like acid on their hearts, Guck. Cliche--acid.
their temptations,
their libertinism. These last two lines are unnecessary add-ons. DELETE!

Cardiacide. Heart-killing? Okay, it could fit.

Her looks really could kill. Slash-out "really"
That beau monde undertaker: I like this one, though how does it relate to the entire "she killed men with her looks" kind of picture you set up before?
who shattered hearts in time with a second hand. Confusion sets around me now. Okay. What the hell does this mean?

I think I already answered everything. PM me if you don't understand anything!

that was pretty good