Fallen

I sat there bereft, wondering when it had happened. When I had fell. And why was it had to be this particular individual I had fallen for.
How was it possible? To give your heart over to someone who looked down upon the whole slew of you-females. I was so mad at myself, thinking, huh, my first crush and he thinks I am stupid. It hurt, and mostly made me mad.
Plus, I knew I was just the girl next door. I couldn’t shake it, though. Looking 12, and not spending and hour in front of the mirror, I wasn’t the same. I wasn’t like others who looked 18 and spent 2 hours in front of the mirror. If I happened to have time I covered up the acne in my T-zone and applied mascara, sometimes blush if I was doing well on time. I looked around and saw the girls with perfectly styled hair, perfect skin and perfectly made-up. And thought to myself, with so many other choices, why in the world would I ever be the select girl?
I tried to console myself by saying that surely when I was ready, the right guy would come along and like me as much as I liked him.
But no, I had to go and ruin it by falling for some guy who would most likely never like me back and who saw me as the girl next door. Always there, but never in the choices.
Sometimes I could console myself, and sometimes it made me frown.
I like everything about the guy, unlike any other, but I knew it was for naught.
And that hurt.

Heya, Mandy!

Okay, here goes:

First off, is this separated into paragraphs? I couldn't really tell, but I do know that it puts off a reader if they're looking at a big huge block of text. If they are separated into paragraphs, may I suggest spacing in between the paragraphs? Not trying to be mean, just saying from personal experience!

Second off, is this a true story? If it is, I don't want to come off seeming rude or insensitive to your pain, because trust me, I've been there! But, I've also seen this type of story fifty million times. What exactly does the boy say or do to make her feel this way? Why does he think she's stupid? I would also suggest maybe making it a tad bit longer, as it seems to fall a bit short of flash fiction, if that is what you were aiming for.

Besides that, there's not much else I can comment on, besides small grammar issues.

I was so mad at myself, thinking, huh, my first crush and he thinks I am stupid.

This could be changed to "I"m"

I hope this helps a little bit!

Chiko

Nah, not true.
Just a random piece i felt like submitting.

Spacing it better would help...
----

I sat there bereft, wondering when it had happened.

Good, creative start. I like the opening.

When did I fall? And why did it have to be this particular individual I had fallen for.

Try to use active voice when you're writing it's a lot more effective...and be careful w/ verb tenses

How was it possible? To give your heart over to someone who looked down upon the whole slew of you-females. I was [s]so[/s] mad at myself. My first crush and he thinks I'm stupid.

I think this would sound better:
Was it possible to give your heart to someone who looked down on the whole slew of you- females? (???, what do you mean by "you-females")

It hurt but mostly made me mad

maybe use: I was hurt and angry...but it's your choice.

[quote]

[s]Plus,[/s] I knew I was the girl next door. I couldn’t shake it, though shake it? .
{I'm not narcisstic and look like a pre-teen. I was different.} Looking [s]12[/s], and not spending and hour in front of the mirror, I wasn’t the same. I wasn’t like others who looked 18 and spent 2 hours in front of the mirror. If I happened to have time I covered up the acne in my T-zone and applied mascara, sometimes blush if I was doing well on time. I looked around and saw the girls with perfectly styled hair, perfect skin and perfectly made-up.

And thought to myself, with so many other choices, why in the world would I ever be the[b] his girl?

Sorry, that's all I have time for -.-;; I'll come back and finish it when I have time but...final comments:

I understand its ur nano so editing is optional and not reccomended actually but I dont quite understand what's going on.but its a short excerpt so i guess i have to wait..anywho, keep going

its a romance so I'll definately come back to it..I'm a sucker for romance novels


keep writing,

*night

When I had fell.

I agree with the others, but just wanted to point out that your grammar isn't correct here...when I had fell? Read it out loud and perhaps you'll see what I mean. Instead you'll want "when I had fallen." Fallen being past tense, you see.

~MademoiselleKool