"Domain"

[pre]“Domain”

The force strong and mysterious
Is brewing inside of me.
I thought I could control it
Or at the bare minimum tame it.
I have tried, and turns out,
I can’t…
It overtakes me, consumes me,
And leaves me beaten and weak.
I’m not scared!
I feel powerful
As though I can do anything,
Knowing that I can’t or shouldn’t.
Often pushing the limits,
Seeing how far I can bend without breaking.
My demeanor is changing,
As I become this mysterious stranger
Who is comfortingly familiar
I don’t know her,
But strangely I do.
Her demeaning stare and sassy attitude
All seem safe and dangerous at once.
Have I always known this stranger
I am now becoming?
The stranger that lurks in the darkness
Of my heart,
That keeps me safe,
But prevents me
From feeling, from thinking,
The stranger that haunts and guides me.
Showing more and more of herself
As each day passes.
How could I let this happen?
I was unaware of her strengths
And my weaknesses.
Unconscious of how much I envied
And craved to be more like her,
The darkness of my heart
A character of my imagination,
A person who never existed,
But only existed because she was real.
The stranger of my heart,
The person I am on the inside,
Breaking loose of the chains
And the cage of my mind.
Could I have done anything
To prevent her
From taking control?
My lust and pride,
The power I craved,
She consumed me.
Is this what I am to become?
A servant for the mysterious stranger
From the darkness of my heart.
The person who strives to take control
And is gaining more and more control
As I continue my life.
Part of me wants to give in
And let her control,
But the other wants to fight
As long and hard as possible.
Accepting the beatings
And all the pain,
I stand and fight.
This stranger may be familiar
And may know all there is to know
About me,
But tonight
I am the person I believe I am.
If I do become consumed,
I must accept the changes.
I may not be happy
Until I accept that I must change
To grow and mature fully.
Am I scared of the darkness
That dwells inside of me?
You name a person who isn’t
And then we’ll see.
I am becoming a beautifully,
Dangerous, safe, character
From inside
Of my most inner
Domain.

~ Kazie[/pre]

Hi there! My first suggestion is that you check your format before posting - don't just copy and paste the text. Also, cut this down into seperate stanzas so that it's easier to read. Here's where I'd make the line breaks along with some suggestions -

The force, strong and mysterious,
Is brewing inside of me.
I thought I could control it,
Or at the bare minimum tame it. [I'm not sure about this line, it seems to disrupt the flow. Perhaps 'Had hope that I could tame it.']
I have tried, and it turns out,
I can’t.

It overtakes me, consumes me,
And leaves me beaten and weak. [You use I and me too often which is sometimes the essential difference between a good first person poem and a rant. Try to cut a few out. For example - 'It overtakes and consumes me./Leaves me beaten (maybe defeated?) and weak.']

I’m not scared!
I feel powerful As though I can do anything, [This is more telling than showing and 'feel' doesn't reflect the confidence implied. Perhaps 'I'm powerful. Indestructable.]
[s]Knowing that I can’t or shouldn’t.[/s] [This line isn't necessary, it doesn't really add to the poem.]
Often pushing the limits,
Seeing how far I can bend without breaking. [Maybe testing instead of seeing?]

My demeanor is changing,
As I become this mysterious stranger
Who is comfortingly familiar [This doesn't flow too well. Maybe 'My demeanor is changing,/ Morphing into a mysterious stranger/ Who is pleasantly familiar.]
I don’t know her,
But strangely I do. [These two lines could be more powerful. Perhaps 'I don't know her/ And yet I do.']
Her demeaning stare and sassy attitude
All seem safe and dangerous at once.

Have I always known this stranger [I think you should add a question mark here and delete the next line.]
I am now becoming?
The stranger that lurks in the darkness
Of my heart, [Maybe end this sentence here?]
That keeps me safe, [Then you could change this to 'She keeps me safe' and you don't need the comma at the end.]
But prevents me
From feeling, from thinking, [End this sentence here maybe.]
The stranger that haunts and guides me. [Comma here I think.]
Showing more and more of herself
As each day passes.

How could I let this happen?
[s]I was[/s] So unaware of her strengths
And my weaknesses.
Unconscious of how much I envied
And craved to be more like her, [Semi colon would work well here.]
The darkness of my heart.
A character of my imagination,
A person who never existed,
But only existed because she was real. [This doesn't make much sense, you contradict yourself.]

The stranger of my heart, [I think you repeat this too often throughout the poem.]
The person I am on the inside,
Breaking loose of the chains
And the cage of my mind.
Could I have done anything
To prevent her
From taking control?
My lust and pride,
The power I craved, [Maybe end this sentence here.]
She consumed me.

[s]Is this what I am to become?
A servant for the mysterious stranger
From the darkness of my heart.
The person who strives to take control
And is gaining more and more
control As I continue my life. [/s] [All of that is repetition and doesn't add to your poem.]
Part of me wants to give in
And let her control,
But the other wants to fight
As long and hard as possible.
Accepting the beatings
And all the pain,
I stand and fight.
This stranger may be familiar
And may know all there is to know
About me,
But tonight
I am the person I believe I am.

If I do become consumed,
I must accept the changes.
I may not be happy
Until I accept that I must change
To grow and mature fully.
Am I scared of the darkness
That dwells inside of me?
You name a person who isn’t
And then we’ll see.
I am becoming a beautifully,
Dangerous, safe, character
From inside
Of my most inner [Inner most might sound better then most inner.]
Domain.

___________________
Overall, I think this is okay but there's too much repetition and it's very similar to a rant. You need to use more imagery, cut out anything that doesn't add to the purpose and enjoyment of the poem from the reader's point of view and then go over it and edit it again and again until it's shorter, more dramatic and creates an impact on their reader. Your poem has to make the reader think about something or entertain them. There's nothing wrong with writing poetry for yourself but if you're going to show it to others, it has to effect and include them too. Hope some of this helps,

Heather xx

Ok well I am kinda just brushing in and out in class and all but i will take the time i swear to look at ur suggestions thank you!

Wow. I like the expression of self here.

I have rewrote it and i think its better just gta take time to type it up

This looks like a poorly punctuated ramble with line breaks to me. You can do better.

Try this:
1. Read some good poetry. Go to the library, sit down, and read.
2. Quit the navel-gazing. Go to Navel-Gazers Anonymous or just quit cold turkey, I don't care, it needs to stop. It's okay to write poetry about your emotions or something that happened to you, but if you totally ignore your reader, it's just a journal entry, a sob story, blah blah, we don't care.
3. Practice. Use proper English as well.
4. Read what you see here on YWS by both beginning and experienced poets, and then read the critiques they get from experienced members.
5. Critique. The better you critique others' work, the better you can critique your own.

Better luck next time.
-Colleen