The Beast Within

The beast within, cries out in rage.
The moon is high, let's set the stage.
Here comes the rain, washes out her pain.
The beast within, comes out again.

Fingers turn to claws, hands become paws.
Fangs come out to taste, to all she lays to waste.
Late at night it comes clawing at the door, human no more.
The beast within comes out again.

Tears of blood, eyes of gold.
Shines in the night, shivers in the cold.
The moon is low, time to end this show.
The beast within, sleeps again

-------------------------------------------

"The world is dark, but I can still see."- ME

I really like the way you did this. It's really shows a picture.

"Late at night it comes clawing at the door, human no more." It could be just me, but it looks a tad akward. Maybe turn 'human no more' into another line with more to it? I'm not sure. It looks like a good poem to me, though. Nice job.

Thanks

I LOVE IT! :hug:

*hugs* Thanks:

L3 of S1 is rather long and awkwardish. "Fangs come out to taste" is a bit wordy--"Fangs out to taste" might be better. The last line also doesn't rhyme very well.

Other than that, it's a great poem! I feel like it should be in an illistrated child's book!
-Evang

Yeah, the last lines of each stanze don't rhyme....

..OH! I just noticed the "again" pattern. Sorry!

Lol, it's okay.

I really liked this. Normally, I don't go for rhyming poetry because I feel it's far too easy to come across as immature and...nonsensical, but you really pulled it off. The last line repitition is what made this poem for me. I also liked the rhythym which you managed to keep fairly consistant throughout this piece. However, with rythym comes a downfall: it gives a poem a rap-esque atmosphere.

This is about werewolves, right?

Anyway, some nitty-gritty:

Here comes the rain, washes out her pain.

There are a few lines in this piece that either don't make sense or are awkward, detracting from that hard-won rythym of yours. This line happens to fit into both of these categories. It A.) doesn't make sense and B.) is a mouth full. What did you mean by this line?

Fangs come out to taste, to all she lays to waste.

Another slightly awkward line. Try this suggestion: "Fangs out to taste all she lays waste." This makes stanza two more lean and meaty without all those "to's". You want to be clear and to the point in a poem like this.

Late at night it comes clawing at the door, human no more.

This line really interrupts the flow of the poem. It's an essential line, but it could have some fat trimmed off of it. Try this: "Late at night, clawing at the door, human no more."

Anyways, excellent job on this. I enjoyed it. Very Halloween-esque.

-Kylan

PS (Gwenvire: don't bother critiquing a piece unless you have something contructive and useful to say. "Love it: Hugs" is not a proper critique.)

I liked this very much. The only thing I found awkward was the line about the fangs, but that has been stated before. Good job.

wow! that was cool except for the last line but thats proberly just me you can proberly guess by my pic and name what my fav animal is lol. and just a shot in the dark i think i know what yours is aswell. you seem to be atracting a certain kind of person with this poem dont you think so lol. The first werewolf poem i have ever come across so thank you. well umm.....i have nothing left to say so i think i will just disolve away see you soon bye.

Yeah, the wolf is my fav animal, but I pretty much like every animal.

Good. I would avoid the pain and again rhyming for future reference. That is, unless you say "A-gain" instead of "uh ghen"

Very good.

~Lupe

Awesome poem. Very fresh in theme and style.

This poem really heightens my imagination and I liked how you've caprured the transformayion action.