to hell and back

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The desolate tower loomed once again over him; chaos was all that surrounded him as the armies of the free people were falling, the Mantels were victorious. Captain Lundek the highest ranked officer left alive was in charge of the remaining catapults that could still be used. Soldiers all around Lundek searched around for something, anything that could be used to fill the catapults in the end the found collected some stones and small boulders.

‘Orders sir, what are your orders CAPTAIN’,

The voice of the young soldier did not travel far over the sound of the battlefield battering the eardrums of Captain Lundek The Seers, part of the Mantel army dressed in rags which had a frail attempt at covering their scaly skin. They carried bows and crossbows that wee capable of firing three arrows a second, which at the moment were raining death on the Free People. Captain Lundek chose this moment to respond by pointing the tip of his sword towards the tower and yelled ‘FIRE!’. The remaining catapults launched the boulders from the pile towards the tower. Yet again they did not even scratch the tower with the crumb like remains raining down upon bodies of the dead.

Lundek knew they didn’t have a chance but he never knew it would be this hopeless. The battlefield was becoming a graveyard for the free people the half-giants were ripping anything that came near them limb from limb. ‘AAARRRGHHH’ the shout echoed around the battlefield causing everyone to cease their individual fights. The shout had come form inside the tower some soldiers, form the army of the Mantels banged their chest plates with the hilts of their swords in a victory chant.

Red smoke was billowing from the top of the tower, spreading through the sky turning it blood red. This was it the end of days and all humanity the last hope, the army of the free people had failed it was over and it was all in vain. From the top of tower a best that had slept for thousands of years had awaken and the time of the stone dragon was once again, here. The dragon, dark as coal, rose from the top of the tower, surrounded in the red smoke with its rider on top. The dragon was very crumbly which explained why the legends referred to him as the stone dragon, every part of him look to be made out of stone. Anytime the dragon moved part of him would flake off and fall to the floor. The rider pointed his sword towards the heavens, this was a common mantel war-like tradition: when the end is near bring out the king to finish of the rest, but this time it was different the dragon had been awoken which gave the king even more power.

The Mantels had Captain Lundek and his remaining men surrounded in the centre of the battlefield. The remaining catapults had been destroyed it was only luck that would keep them alive for longer than a few minutes. The dragon bore its rider to the centre where he dismounted and glided over to the group. Within a second the tip of his sword was placed at Captain Lundek’s neck. He spoke as if a thousand voices were all trying to come out his mouth at the same time, ‘I pity you Lundek, you should have joined me when you had the chance, it is a shame that it has to end like this’, the rider growled the words at Lundek. ‘It is a shame, but unlike you I am not a fan of genocide’. These were the last words he would say the rider withdrew his sword, and swung for Lundek’s neck.

‘No!’ Lundek sat upright in his bed.

‘General Lundek’, the voice came from the small opening in the tent, the small head of on overhung soldier was poking through the gap in the tent. ‘I have been sent for you, it is time I will give you a few minutes. When you are ready I will take you to the courthouse’.

General Lundek remained silent. He was still trying to work out why he was having the same dreams for the last three weeks all with the same end, his death and the beginning of the end of the world.

General Lundek used to be a well-respected officer in the army until he was accused of defying orders and leading several troops into the open arms of the Mantels. He was heading to the courthouse of the town of Cheston, to plead his case before a judge. Lundek believed he was innocent in all of his five years as a general he had never willingly sent soldiers to the arms of the Mantels. Lundek rose from the bed and dressed in his uniform swinging his beautiful elf-made sword over his back and exiting the tent.

‘This way sir’, the small soldier led Lundek away from the tent, which was positioned beneath a solitary tree on a hill near the outskirts of the town. The closer they came to the town the more people they saw: mothers, children, farmers and some soldiers who were meant to watching at the town’s outpost. All of them giving him strange looks as if they were trying to see into his soul along with the occasional shout of ‘traitor’ this made Lundek feel very happy and optimistic about his trial. The courthouse was a large building surrounded around five marble pillars they climbed the steps and entered through the wooden doors.

The soldier went up to the front and asked the woman sitting there

‘Where do I take Captain Lundek?’

The reply was a bony figure pointing towards a door with a number 1 printed in the centre.




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It doesn't seem very personal. Add some thoughts from the Captain, and more dialogue.

The voice of the young soldier did not travel far over the sound of the battlefield battering the eardrums of Captain Lundek The Seers, part of the Mantel army dressed in rags which had a frail attempt at covering their scaly skin. They carried bows and crossbows that wee capable of firing three arrows a second, which at the moment were raining death on the Free People. Captain Lundek chose this moment to respond by pointing the tip of his sword towards the tower and yelled ‘FIRE!’. The remaining catapults launched the boulders from the pile towards the tower. Yet again they did not even scratch the tower with the crumb like remains raining down upon bodies of the dead.

This needs to be broken up. Distribute the description of the Mantel army throughout the piece, and cut to the chase. We get lost in the description, and you lose the momentum of the catapults. Also, with each bit of dialogue, create a new paragraph :D:D:D:D:D:D

Lundek knew they didn’t have a chance but he never knew it would be this hopeless. The battlefield was becoming a graveyard for the free people the half-giants were ripping anything that came near them limb from limb. ‘AAARRRGHHH’ the shout echoed around the battlefield causing everyone to cease their individual fights. The shout had come form inside the tower some soldiers, form the army of the Mantels banged their chest plates with the hilts of their swords in a victory chant.

This seems a bit choppy. Read it out loud and see if that helps. Past the "AAARRGHHH" it gets a little confusing. Who is yelling, the half giants or the Mantels? Please clarify. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


Red smoke was billowing from the top of the tower, spreading through the sky turning it blood red. This was it the end of days and all humanity the last hope, the army of the free people had failed it was over and it was all in vain. From the top of tower a best that had slept for thousands of years had awaken and the time of the stone dragon was once again, here. The dragon, dark as coal, rose from the top of the tower, surrounded in the red smoke with its rider on top. The dragon was very crumbly which explained why the legends referred to him as the stone dragon, every part of him look to be made out of stone. Anytime the dragon moved part of him would flake off and fall to the floor. The rider pointed his sword towards the heavens, this was a common mantel war-like tradition: when the end is near bring out the king to finish of the rest, but this time it was different the dragon had been awoken which gave the king even more power

Okay, you REALLY need to break this up :)

"This was the end of the free people..."
Be careful, this sounds a little too much like Lord of the Rings. :)
The description of the dragon steals your thunder. There's a little too much observation here, and it seems cold and impersonal. We need to know WHY this dragon is so famous and terrible. We need to see what the Captain sees, and why the beast strikes fear into the hearts of every soul. Why aren't we hearing from Lundek? We need to get into his head more, personalize the story, make it more realistic. :D :D :D

The Mantels had Captain Lundek and his remaining men surrounded in the centre of the battlefield. The remaining catapults had been destroyed it was only luck that would keep them alive for longer than a few minutes. The dragon bore its rider to the centre where he dismounted and glided over to the group. Within a second the tip of his sword was placed at Captain Lundek’s neck. He spoke as if a thousand voices were all trying to come out his mouth at the same time, ‘I pity you Lundek, you should have joined me when you had the chance, it is a shame that it has to end like this’, the rider growled the words at Lundek. ‘It is a shame, but unlike you I am not a fan of genocide’. These were the last words he would say the rider withdrew his sword, and swung for Lundek’s neck.

Make a new paragraph with each bit of dialogue. This will break up the bulk, and it won't be as confusing ;)
Also, you could have done better with the dialogue. "I'm not a fan of genocide" doesn't really grab me. We need more thoughts from the main. :D

‘This way sir’, the small soldier led Lundek away from the tent, which was positioned beneath a solitary tree on a hill near the outskirts of the town. The closer they came to the town the more people they saw: mothers, children, farmers and some soldiers who were meant to watching at the town’s outpost. All of them giving him strange looks as if they were trying to see into his soul along with the occasional shout of ‘traitor’ this made Lundek feel very happy and optimistic about his trial. The courthouse was a large building surrounded around five marble pillars they climbed the steps and entered through the wooden doors.

This seems a bit scattered. Details. The scenery, the sunset, the stench of the town. :)+:)=:D

this made Lundek feel very happy and optimistic about his trial

OO" *o*" WHAT?????????????? HOW is he OPTIMISTIC????????
Unless you are being sarcastic, I suggest you change this. :)


Hm. Over all, it's an interesting story. I'm curious about what is going to happen. My suggestion is: read it out loud to yourself, and you will find the errors to fix. :) Again, don't make it too similar to LOTR, because then it sounds like you're just going to copy. X(
Best of luck with your work :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson



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