Among the Lost

Luke stared at the blank screen, not really seeing it. He saw Jen's face,
smiling, telling him it would be all right. That they had a right to exist.

And now... Jen was gone. His pillar, his best friend, had been put down. And all anyone cared about was keeping the blood out of the president's rose bushes.

He'd felt lost ever since he'd heard the news from Jen's dad.
It couldn't be, he'd said a thousand times.

Okay, this probably sounds cliche, but I hear your voice in this and it's really good. I also really like your metaphors.

Now to the crticism.

What is this about? Who's Jen? Did she die? My guess (correct me if I'm wrong) is that Jen was sent to Iraq and was killed there and Luke just heard the news.

Also, what does this mean?

He saw Jen's face, smiling, telling him it would be all right. That they had a right to exist.

Otherwise, I'd say it was really good.

~Deoris

Um, not much to really comment about here. I'm guessing that you're using Among The Hidden by Margarert Peterson Haddix (I read it last year).

The only minor thing that bugged me would be when Luke says, "It couldn't be, he'd said a thousand times." Maybe you could change it to, "he said for the thousandth time."

Your bud,
Snoid

"Luke," Mark called from behind him. He jumped.

"Oh, hi," he mumbled. He turned back to face the screen.

Mark looked around at the room, the tidy bookshelves, the dark computer screen. "Mom says you ought to come home now." Pensively, he tapped the "enter" button. "You oughta spend more time at home."

Luke nodded. He rose slowly from the chair and made his way to the sliding door out of habit.

Outside, the autumn air washing over him, sending tingles down his spine. What was he doing indoors on such a day?

"Race you to the house," Mark challenged.

"You're on."

They stood right next to a big maple tree, and Mark shouted, "Three... two... one... go!" They sped off, with Mark just ahead.

Luke paced himself, knowing he couldn't win. He'd settle for a close second.

"C'mon, slowpoke," his brother teased.

One thing I need to say is that it's mostly 1 or 2 sentence paragraphs. Now where I'm from a good paragraph would need 5 or 6 sentences a paragraph (4 at the least). But it sounds good anyways. Also you're a lot of telling no showing (Don't feel bad I make the mistake too and try to add more detail) so try describing what the places look like.

What's remarkable about thisis that it's so strongly written. I feel like you've been in the character's shoes. This was a great job!
I'm not sure if all the white space was symbolic, but it totally reminded me of that haxe you're in when something incredible (good or bad) happens.
Keep up the great work!

I really like the way you described how Jen and Luke's friendship had been and how he felt now that she was gone.
Very nice!
(By the way, thanks for the donation! Really a "warm welcome"!

Oh Please Update Soon! This fic was very good. But I have a question. Is this story after the seventh book or somwhere in the middle? You need to keep adding so people won't be confused on this point.

Other than that, the story was good and I loved it. Yay! You Get A Cookie!

Very good! I haven't read this series in a while, but you brought it all back to me! I hope you continue this, I'd like to see more! 1 question, was this part of the first book? I think that was the only one Mark was in, but I can't quite remember...

I would like to read more detail and content to read, but that's just me. It's very good, actually. I have never read the book, but I would like to...

I like the first part better, because it's more of a fan-fic. The second entry was less descriptive and could have been talking about anything.

Maybe now I'll just go pick up the book.

Ooers! I always wanted to see a fanfic on this series!


It's too short!!!



Nice job on what you have of it, though.



Only one question. Is it taking place at Jen's house, or Luke's? Sorry if it's obvious, but I don't get it.










-ClimberSquirrel

There is a lot that you could add in just those two short bits. Advice (take it if you want): rework the story and ad little bits of detail to answer the many questions you have been asked.