Mortal Death, Immortal love

I'm not really sure if I'm going to make this an actual book or anything. If I did, then this would be the prologue. I was just really bored in Human Anatomy and didn't wanna take notes XD
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“The sky can’t fall, sweetie.” Iren said as he ran his hands soothingly through my hair, gently working through the tangles.

I just stayed still, the comforting gesture not being very comforting at the moment.
“Alexial?” He said my name questioningly, worry thick in his voice.

“What?” I winced at my voice. The sorrow clawing, squeezing, forcing its way from my throat and to the open.

“Alexial, I want you to carry on, even if I’m not here anymore. Please, Love, don’t live in sorrow when I am no longer by your side.”

I looked up at Iren. His old, wrinkled features scrunched into a smile that was once beautiful with youth.

Hesitantly, I raised my immortal, pure hand to his face. He leaned into it, his eyes shut and tears squeezing past his lids.

“I feel the grip of death clawing its way to my soul.” He gasped with pain and I choked back a sob.

“’Tis not right for me to love you this much.” I whispered against his limp, cold lips. “’Tis not safe for my immortal soul to miss you the way I know I will.” I watched his eye roll into the back of his head, and I cried out to him. “No! My love, please, stay with me! Don’t leave me!”

“I’m sorry, Love.” His voice is so weak; I had to strain my hearing. “You’ve made my short life worth living. I only wish—“ His sentence stopped abruptly, and he began gasping for air, clawing at the arm of the chair, trying to grasp life once more.

I couldn’t help but begin sobbing. I held Iren to my bosom, hoping to at least comfort him in his time of passing.

“I love you, Alexial.” He gasped and I held him tighter, my sobs shaking my entire body.

“Hush now, Love. Let me hold you for the last time.”

He grasped me, his nails biting into my perfect flesh. His breathing was ragged as his lungs collapsed and he gasped for air.

“D-don’t leave me.”

“I’ll never leave you.”

“It’s so dark. I can’t feel you with me.”

“I’m here. I’ll never leave you.” I said, kissing his wrinkled forehead tenderly.

“Alexial? Alexial?!”

“I’m here, Love!” I cried out to him.

“My love, come back to me! Please, don’t leave me!”

“I’m here! Iren, I’m with you, Love!” I cried out to him, though I knew he could no longer hear me.

He began screaming, clawing at my arms, too scared to die, too scared to be along. Then his writhing stopped and he body went lax against me. I cried harder, my love is gone…and he’ll never come back…

uh, this is really cool. The only thing I wonder is how old is Alexial? Cuz if she is like a teenager, that would be totally gross.

Anway, other than that, this is really good. If you do make more chapters, I really wanna read it.


BBB

hehe, Alexial is really old, but she's immortal and doesn't age XD

It would be further explained if I added more onto this, but I haven't decided whether I want to or not.

Thanks for the crit though ^.^

--meow

Aww its sad ;-;

Reminds me about the immortal cat story.

I'm sorry, but the only thing I can think of when I read this is cliche, cliche, cliche! It's like plant which has barely sprouted. It needs more care and more time before it can be worth anything, but I'm sure if you work with it you can make it into something good.

Okay, this is sad in a really good, cute way! If I were you, I'd definitely write more about this!

Also, a few things:
--Is Alexial a real goddess/immortal or did she sprout from your imagination?
--You seem to say "love" too much, especially toward the end...terms of endearment such as "beloved" or "dearest" or something like that would make it sound less clunky.

Otherwise, just keep writing this! I do the same thing, writing during chem class when the teacher drones on...hope to read more soon!

~Deoris

Awwee so sad. Yes it's cliche but I still really enjoyed it. The best pieces we write are when we are bored, like during Human Anatomy for example. Haha!


If you do write more I'd like to read.

One thing I noticed is that you used the word 'clawing' too much.

The sorrow clawing, squeezing, forcing its way from my throat and to the open.

“I feel the grip of death clawing its way to my soul.” He gasped with pain and I choked back a sob.

His sentence stopped abruptly, and he began gasping for air, clawing at the arm of the chair, trying to grasp life once more.

He began screaming, clawing at my arms, too scared to die, too scared to be along.

Just use some other word to describe 'clawing' it would sound better.

I don't know if anyone else noticed or it's just me.

All the best.
-Icy

haha, yeah, I ran out of words to say I guess XD

I suppose I do tend to repeat myself, but I never notice it, so thanks for pointing it out XD

I've actually already begun plotting out for a first chapter. I've got some great ideas, so I might post more soon ^.^

--meow

I guess the end was worth reading. I liked the dialogue there. But she's right. Cliche, cliche, cliche.

Plus, Alexial sounds really strange to read out loud along with all the words. I'm not saying you have to change the character's name, it just sounds too imaginative. "Iren" was fine, but tone down the imagination. XD

Sorry to say but I disagree with Perforated. No hard feelings I hope.

I like your imagination and Alexial IS bit of a tougne twister but I really like it. You imagined it, you created it, therefor keep it!

I hate the same old names for fantasy,
Arya/Ayra (read this name so many places!)
Eragon (poalini's version of Aragorn. Grrr. Oh don't tell me he didn't copy. I can debate over this for hours though I've learned his books aren't worth debating over.)
And so on.

keep the names!! And I actually think you need more imagination for this piece as it's cliche.