Wolf Heart -Chapter (?)

..The cracks and groans of breaking sea ice echoed eerily in the night. Ayra shifted restlessly, her eyeslashes fluttering feverishly as she dreamed. The crude cotton blanket was rough against her cheek.
In the cot beside her, Guinevere, her best friend, muttered something indiscernible before rolling over again. Ayra woke with a start, her heart racing. Eyes wild, she scanned their small room for signs of danger. But there was only the chair, closet and her backpack...but in the deep blue shadows, anything could be hiding.
Silent footsteps, muffled by the thick, gleaming floorboards, broke the silence like ripples disturbing the calm waters of a pond. Ayra leapt gracefully up the stairs; three at a time, until she reached the top.
The deck of the ship was moon washed and brilliant, all gently ruffled sails and quietly groaning timbers. She padded soundless to the rail and looked down on the dark waters, letting her mind wander....
(to be continued. Do you like it? Can I improve on some things? Tell me what you think.)

Um..ok. So no one is going to reply...it seems that no one likes me on this site:(


[edit 1]

Why does it say I have 7 posts? This is my third. Lol. Ok, so where is everyone?
Don't tell me my writing is THAT bad...

[edit 2]

Someone please help; how can I see my reviews?
It says I have three...

[edit 3]

Ok,
I give up.
I know my writing is bad...
-Leaves-



[Please, don't do multiple posts on the same thread next time! -- Snoink]

Good job!

Yayness! Someone replied!
Thanks^^ I am actually 12.. lol.
I just thought of a novel I plan to write..but I can't start at the beginning

[edit 1]

Maybe I'm being overenthusiastic..but, do you write?

[edit 3]

Never mind..
I must go to...*barfs* horrible
Piano lessons! *sinister playing of the piano*

okay first of all let me say that was fantastic. i loved it! i think it is a great way to start a story. the imagery was great and the writing well-developed.

Ayra wrote:..The cracks and groans of breaking sea ice echoed eerily in the night. Ayra shifted restlessly, her eyeslashes fluttering feverishly as she dreamed. The crude cotton blanket was rough against her cheek.
In the cot beside her, Guinevere, her best friend, muttered something indiscernible before rolling over again. Ayra woke with a start, her heart racing. Eyes wild, she scanned their small room for signs of danger. But there was only the chair, closet and her backpack...but in the deep blue shadows, anything could be hiding.
Silent footsteps, muffled by the thick, gleaming floorboards, broke the silence like ripples disturbing the calm waters of a pond. Ayra leapt gracefully up the stairs; three at a time, until she reached the top.
The deck of the ship was moon washed and brilliant, all gently ruffled sails and quietly groaning timbers. She padded soundless to the rail and looked down on the dark waters, letting her mind wander....
(to be continued. Do you like it? Can I improve on some things? Tell me what you think.)

eyeslashes= eyelashes

again= sounds kind of strange because we never heard about them rolling over in the first place. maybe specify that it was the bazillionth time that night or something.

some of your sentences were choppy, like where you say "The crude cotton blanket was rough against her cheek." It sounds kind of choppy in comparison to the fluidness of the story. maybe connect it to another little detail like saying: The crude cotton blanket was rough against her cheek and the cot beneath her was lumpy and uncomfortable.

you might also add some adjectives about the chair, closet and backpack because the rest of the story is chockfull of them.

these things are not really that important. your writing is strong and descriptive and i like that. one other thing to ask of you...



Please write more!!!! please don't leave me wondering what's going on! *gets down on knees to beg and give you puppydog eyes*

later!

Wow, thanks!
You're right about the choppiness, I noticed that when I re-read it..mangoes!
Is that how you spell mangoes? Whatever.
I'll write more...when I'm not at school and there isn't people leaning over my shoulder!

It's not the beginning of the book, actually. I have decided to start somewhere and write it until teh end, at which point maybe the beginning will become clear

[edit 1]

Whoops, I made a typo
I meant to say 'the' not 'teh'
lol!

[edit 2]

I will save those suggestions, and and them into my document (where I am story the fragments of my story)
Ok, I will attempt to write another bit of it...

[edit 3]

20 reviews, eh? How come I can't see them?
Well, I have to go now
School is almost over and I should logg off now...ta-ta!
I'll be on later to write some more of my novel

Wow. It grabbed my attention and held it till the end. A good piece.

But where's the rest?

ok you know the 21 reviews you cant see? yah those are your postings on here. everytime you add another message onto this chapter, the computer thinks its a review. so all those reviews you cant see are yours. and you can see them.

Hi!
I' didn't want to post to much, because I had limited time on the computer.
I'm going to post more now
Hey, do you know how I can see reviews?
And how to I get more stars?

[edit 1]

Lol, you just answered my question! Or one of them, anyways
Ok, I'm going to type more of the story now, so I won't rpely for a while.

[edit 2]

Arg I was typing too fast! I meant to say 'reply' instead of 'rpley'

Silent footsteps heralded Guinevere's arrival, and Ayra turned slowly, her eyes questioning.
"The ice..." she trailed off, lost in thought.
"I know." her friend stated simply. There was a strange, bleak expression on her face, as if she were bracing herself for what might come. Ayra turned again to the water, and watched with growing unease as more and more ripples spread across it's tar-black surface. A spark of fear prickled her spine but she ignored it, tracing her fingers along an iceberg, relishing in it's extreme cold. Suddenly she jerked back, alarm flaring in her sea-green eyes. A second ago, the iceberg had been an arms-lenght away from the side of the boat.
Now it was half that distance.
"Guinevere," she said slowly, taking a couple of steps back. Her footseps sounded unnaturally loud. So did the frantic pounding of her heart. She could hear the blood rushing in her ears.
Guinevere was standing by the bow, her pale face frozen in fear.
An eerie wailing echoed aound them, sending cold tingles up their spines. It rushed through the gaps in the ice and with it came deep shadows, like wraiths from Hell.

I'm going to continue it, what do you think?

[edit 1]

Ok, well, I'll just continue it now...
No, on second thought, I won't. I'm going to wait for some feedback so I know if I need to change and/or fix anything.
tum-dee-dum...

[edit 2]

Ok then
I'll go rate someone else's writing....*frowns*
Oh, and, um...can anyone tell me how to view my friends? And add them?

[edit 3]

Oh, this is rather annoying.
I mean, seriously annoying.
Isn't there anyone here?

Ayra,
For the sake of not repeating myself, read the first two paragraphs of Sacred's review and the Overall thought as the same applies to you pretty much.

I'll say yours is slightly better than hers but she makes it up for writing more. Try to keep your posts around 1,000 words least (check on this I'm not sure).

~Fan, still in thinking mood~

Ok, thanks
I'll keep what you said in mind and make my posts longer...well, I think I'll add some more now!

...Wide-eyed with fear, the two elven girls stared at the slowly advancing ice-berg. It's rumbling course shook the floor of the ship and sent tremors scurrying up the timbers.
Suddenly the tall, strong figure of Eynor, the captain, was visible at the wheel. Ayra sighed in relief. It was going to be okay.
She was mistaken.
With an ear-splitting crack, ice and wood collided with an impact that sent them all flying backwards. They hit the opposite side of the rail with a sickly thud and fell to the floor, winded but otherwise unhurt.
"Are you ok?" Guinevere's anxious voice broke through her stupor and she rose to her feet.
"Yeah..I think so.." she said shakily, holoding the rail for support. But it shook violently under her hand and she withdrew, holding her arms against her chest.
Her friend's face was wrinkled in a worried frown, and Ayra experienced a flash of inignation. Just because she had been sick recently didn't mean..she stopped in mid-thought, shaking her head as she realized that Guinevere had every right to be upset.
"So," she ventured casually, keeping her tones light despite her heavy heart. "What are we going to do about the iceberg?"

hhmm..that may not have been long enough
Sorry!

[edit 1]

Ok, I'll settle down and wait until someone else posts...
I guess I'll check out the Fantasy/Fiction stuff. See who's online. You know, all that.

[edit 2]

AAAAHHHHH! I said 'holoding' instead of 'holding'
Ack, I'm so sorry!

[edit 3]

Oh, whatever. I'll wait a little longer...and if no one says anything, I'll write more.