Blooded: Betraying sympathy teaser

this is te teaser or my book i hope you ask for more
for those who wish to see it in formatted mode with its beutiful working cover it is atcached as a pdf

please coment if you wish



“Lyska!” a small voice cried. The padding of small feet echoing through the woods. Lyska opened her eyes reluctantly, by the suns count she had slept for over four hours, yet all of it seemed like the passing of a fleeting thought. “Lyska!” A young boy came stumbling out of the bushes, his leg catching on a gnarled root. “Lysk-” A loud smack was heard, along with a high pitched yelp of pain. Lyska sighed and stood up. She walked over to him and lifted him to his feet, kneeling down again to dust off his small linen tunic with care. He looked up into her face, his fawn-like eyes streaming with tears. “I-I tried to find you last night but you weren’t anywhere. I had a scary dream that you had left again but this time you wouldn’t come back. Oh please don’t leave Lyska, please don’t leave me all alone again…” he began to sob his body shaking uncontrollably with fear. Lyska wiped her younger brother’s tears from his face and sat down. She pulled him onto her lap an began to comfort him. “Shhhh…” she crooned placing a finger on his trembling lips. “I’m here now.” She smiled reassuringly and the young boy sniffled then gave her a wet grin. He leaned back into his sister’s lap, tilting his head up and closing his eyes. Lyska began stroking his long brown hair.
“Lyska?”
“Yes, Marduk?”
Marduk opened his eyes and looked longingly into her face. “next time you go away, take me with you, I don’t want to be alone again. I want to stay with you always.”
Lyska took a deep breath taking in his scent, the flower perfumed air tickled her nose but was pleasant and not to potent, t was peaceful to say the least. She could remember when it was the first that she had held him like this. The night she learned to how to hate.



the teaser attached is formatted and attached with working cover

the pdf is atached click read full to view download link

Sean Pendr wrote:“Lyska!” a small voice cried. The padding of small feet echoing through the woods. Lyska opened her eyes reluctantly, by the suns count she had slept for over four hours, yet all of it seemed like the passing of a fleeting thought. “Lyska!” A young boy came stumbling out of the bushes, his leg catching on a gnarled root. “Lysk-” A loud smack was heard, along with a high pitched yelp of pain. Lyska sighed and stood up. She walked over to him and lifted him to his feet, kneeling down again to dust off his small linen tunic with care. He looked up into her face, his fawn-like eyes streaming with tears. “I-I tried to find you last night but you weren’t anywhere. I had a scary dream that you had left again but this time you wouldn’t come back. Oh please don’t leave Lyska, please don’t leave me all alone again…” he began to sob his body shaking uncontrollably with fear. Lyska wiped her younger brother’s tears from his face and sat down. She pulled him onto her lap an began to comfort him. “Shhhh…” she crooned placing a finger on his trembling lips. “I’m here now.” She smiled reassuringly and the young boy sniffled then gave her a wet grin. He leaned back into his sister’s lap, tilting his head up and closing his eyes. Lyska began stroking his long brown hair.
“Lyska?”
“Yes, Marduk?”
Marduk opened his eyes and looked longingly into her face. “next time you go away, take me with you, I don’t want to be alone again. I want to stay with you always.”
Lyska took a deep breath taking in his scent, the flower perfumed air tickled her nose but was pleasant and not to potent, t was peaceful to say the least. She could remember when it was the first that she had held him like this. The night she learned to how to hate.

I'd like to start off by saying that you really captured my eye and I want to read more. I usually say that to everyone, but I'm really serious about this. It is off to a good start. There are only a few grammatical errors through out the piece, mainly consisting of comma placements.

The first paragraph you write is kind of long, I would recommend breaking it up. At one point you have two character's speaking during it. The rule of thumb is to have a paragraph per person speaking. You have a lot of detail in it so far, and your characters are believable, which is a plus.

Questions as a Reader: Are Lyska and Marduk from a village? If so, would they be worried that Lyska was gone for so long? What about her brother, did he have any lingering thoughts as he told her to take him with her next time? Was he out of breath when he got to her?

Those questions might seem kind of stupid, but that's what I was thinking of when I was reading. You don't have to answer them on the thread, they're just things to consider. Amazing teaser though!

lol thanks

no they are not from a village and no he wasnt out of breath. you dont see marduks thoughts just his outward expressions and emotions for reasons later in the book. the rest wil be unveiled shortly. as for the grammar errors i will edit those and i was just in a rush to get the obvious broken up.

thanks for commenting and im glad you liked it. though i would have liked to know why you liked it.

Sean Pendr,

I will start my non-crit part by telling you off, *^_^* Writer’s note being writer’s not, it still ought to be correct from spelling-wise, grammar-wise, punctuation-wise and all that. It can really put off a potential reader, and you do not want that.

Anyway, having ranted my rant, I will go on to things that will interest you, and’ll try to leave that oh-so-dry style. I’ll admit that I haven’t read ‘Blooded’ (have you even posted it on YWS? If it’s a teaser, then I don’t think so, but still). Anyway.

The first thing I notice (without even actually reading the exceprt) is one hunk of a paragraph. Big no no. Again, that puts people off, that humongous paragraph. The first thing I think of when seeing this is: info dump, and no one like info dumps, cause they’re boring. This paragraph certainly isn’t that - it’s interesting, but the way of how you present it isn’t.

My advice to you is to split it up. This really isn’t for it looking all nice visually, but making it look approaching to the reader. It makes an interesting paragraph even more interesting.

Next on is grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I understand that it may not seem important, or significant, but it is. Not only being part of the ‘approach’ theory, but it also smoothens the reading business. It shows that you are a professional, set on your writing. It shows that you care.

And it doesn’t scare readers off.

As this was really short, and doesn’t really tell that much, I can’t really say much about the plot. (Go, repetitives!) The characters, though - in that really short installment, you managed to portray their personality. Both Lyska and Marduk had their own unique characters.

The description later on were very vivid; I liked that. And the last sentence... so chilling!

Anyway, looking forward to ‘Blooded’ itself (awesome title, by the way).
Esme

Oh, you left us hanging buddy!

I loved it! The only thing I'd consider doing is splitting up the paragraphs (as mentioned before) and maybe extending it just a little bit??

We already know quite a lot about the chracter's personality and I'm glad you were able to evoke that sense of familiarity between the audience and your characters. It's a great achievement because, I've read many long stories where the reader is still clueless about the personality of the main characters. To me, characters are like the lyrics to the song. The music is the plot but the words are which give meaning to a tune. Oh, got a little poetic there, basically, you are really good at characterization is what I was trying to say.

I really hope you continue with this, can't wait to read more.

So, are they humans or what? Guess I'll find out more in the next part.

Keep Writing,

--starry-night!

thank you thank you ^.^

i really aprieciate that

the title blooded is found in alot of my posts but i have forsaken all exept this one so in truth this is the "REAL" blooded.

just didnt want anyone getting confused....

i will cear up th grammar and spelling thank you and i will take care to break it up before postng the first few pages

for all those who downloaded the pdf i apologiz but the cover graphices arent quite right something i will fix for the next time ( the eyes are supposed to be fadded so they kind of meld out of the paper )


thank you again for oyur comments and i hope more people express themselves about their thoughts on this teaser

maybe even giving quotes on whch sentances created the most powerful insight to the character or characers

happy reading ^.^

I apologize for the wait but my computer has died and i have lost everything except what is posted here. more reviews on this would be nice if possible and i will try to churn out the first few chapters soon.