Daydreams

Just a quick piece that I wrote a few nights back. I have little experience with poetry so I need all the help I can get with this!! Thanks.

Daydreams

Daydreams lead to heart break,
Unfulfilled wishes can only snap,
Allow them to consume you,
And you will end up mad.

I sat working by the glowing fire,
Papers, books and pens,
Lay scattered on the carpeted floor,
My nose inches away from my writing pad.

A knock on the door announces an arrival,
I shake the Math symbols from my brain,
Get up and unlock the bulk of oak,
Revealing my 5 o’clock visitor.

Tall, dark, brown eyes,
My old and familiar lover returned again,
Does he not understand,
That I now love another?

A quick sweep and our lips meet,
My ear drums shatter,
My heart melts to water,
I lean back and stare at my mistake.

“Are you listening? Or daydreaming?”
Tall- yes, but blonde with blue eyes,
I smile at my loyal boyfriend,
And shake my daydream away.

I would say you should cut the first stanza all together. It's all telling, and the rest of the poem is better in comparison. As to the rest of the poem, it is too much like a story for me. It's not bad, but it isn't poetic. Perhaps try to pull it together more, lace it tighter, add more imagery and specific word choice to give it more power. S5 was good in this sense, it has something that I could feel. The only other thing I would pick at is your punctuation. Comma, comma, comma, period is what you use most of the time, and it doesn't always fit the structure of the sentences properly. This article might help you out with that: Poetry & Punctuation.


Best of luck.

I agree with Suzanne. The first stanza could be removed as it tells the entire poem's idea at the beginning! It could do well without it.
I suggest adding more adjectives to make it sound a little more poetic. It seems too.. telling. Like simple sentences put together. Imagery would also do well with this poem also.
All in all, I liked it. =) Keep on writing!

Mel

Wow, I loved this! I like things with a twist, and this had it. I agree with the others that you should cut the first stanza... It just doesn't flow with the rest of the poem... Sorry if I'm bringing up an old piece for people again... Did that earlier with a fiction piece and everyone was like, "Why are we reviewing an old piece?". Oops..!
Anyway, thought this was absolutely brill. Keep on Scribbling! RG
Ps. PM when you know what you'll do with this, please!

This was awesome.

The twist at the end makes it.

Like everyone else said, the first stanza could be lost.

I can't describe exactly how, but this poem seems to hold such a confident un-seen rhythm.

Love the character you were able to create as well. She appears to be very life-like and able to relate to.

9/10 awesome stuff

Daydreams lead to heart break, (good opening)
Unfulfilled wishes can only snap, (mm... the line doesnt really evoke anything in me. it feels... pointless.. and very forced. fake if u will)
Allow them to consume you,
And you will end up mad. (good ending 2 lines)

Uhmmm... for your beginning... I think you should try to incorporate some ryhming here... perhaps the second and last lines? It would just help the rythm of the stanza. Because right now, it all sounds very short and choppy to me and that wont touch people as they read it outloud.

I sat working by the glowing fire,
Papers, books and pens,
Lay scattered on the carpeted floor,
My nose inches away from my writing pad.

To me... everything is fine here up until the last line.
I feel like... it just doesnt work to end this stanza.
Again I feel a bigger need for closure and yet you dont provide.

A knock on the door announces an arrival,
I shake the Math symbols from my brain,
Get up and unlock the bulk of oak,
Revealing my 5 o’clock visitor.

Here everything is fine. I feel no need for anything extra in this stanza.

A quick sweep and our lips meet,
My ear drums shatter,
My heart melts to water,
I lean back and stare at my mistake.

“Are you listening? Or daydreaming?”
Tall- yes, but blonde with blue eyes,
I smile at my loyal boyfriend,
And shake my daydream away.

Nice unexpected ending. i wondered how you would incorporate the title.

For me the ending was quite humble.

You do a good job at description which often seems to lack in some poems, but here it worked.

If you ever need more reviews on your poetry let me know. I'd be more than glad to.

it's a fine piece you have here and after some editing it'll be even finer.



Byeee,

TP.

8.5/10

I'm criticising with the assumption you aren't that experienced in poetry, like you said.

I would look up some modern poetry to get a better grip on the subject as a whole. Not the actualy form, but how it looks and reads. You have a 4 line stanza that keeps throughout, which can be good, but I find freeform easier to work with. I would keep lines more un even. Just to keep the reader interested, and give more meaning to certain parts of the poem.

Some people said the first stanza should be cut. I agree, it explains the poem too much, you need your reader to come to their conclusion. The poet leads by example, not straight telling. But i do like the last two lines, and I would stick them in somewhere else. But of course, that could be the short story writer within me, while poetry should be more about concrete stuff, than feelings.

Another thing is with the commas and periods at the end of literally every line. A good amount of the commas are pointless, just being there to say "hey, think about this, it's deep" which it is, but still, cut the un needed commas. The line break is basically a comma. It's not supposed to be counted as a pause, but the reader does it automatically when reading because they have to move back to read the things on the left side of the paper.

I pretty much just criticized the form, but hey, everyone else got into the meat so I'll leave it at that.
Write on.

Oof.
I like it.
I don't have anything that I really caught to critique about..
So yay!
=]

Hmm, when I read the first stanza I thought oh my god... it's so telling, but after that I was pleasantly suprised, so to echo the rest I say cut the first stanza and you have a marvelous poem. Nothing much more to say other than I love this stanza best:

A quick sweep and our lips meet,
My ear drums shatter,
My heart melts to water,
I lean back and stare at my mistake.

This other than the first stanza a great poem.

Overall: I echo the others, and this earns a star.

Good luck
VSN

It doesn't really rhyme, but if it wasn't meant to, you could have just said

Wow! Great, but like Suzanne said, either lose the first stanza or rework it. It's too much telling and not enough showing.

Otherwise, this was faultless. Excellent.

9/10

That was really good, I liked it a lot. As it has been said before: Cut the first stanza.

"I shake the Math symbols from my brain,
Get up and unlock the bulk of oak"

That bit was just brilliant. I'm not sure why I like it so much, but it just works out perfectly.
Well done!

Really nice poem.
I enjoyed reading this

Hi Alainna, I am CaptianRandom,
I loved this poem, most of the things you have stated are so true, you are very descriptive. I thought that this poem was a nice length and not just a clump of writing. I hope to read more of your poems and I look forward to lose myself in your descriptive powers.

-CaptianRandom

Hey Alainna! I'm RepublicOfCoter (ROC).

I quite enjoyed this poem. Very nice choice of words and good use of description. I feel as if this poem could possibly be written into a story of some kind. It feels like some sort of recount rather than a short poem to me. I would have to agree with Suzanne, the first stanza is not needed. Excellent piece and keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter