Maggie's Ghosts

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4825
Reviews 236
Maggie stopped at a rest stop fifty miles out of the city and pulled two hundred dollars out of her bank account, leaving only three hundred and thirty dollars remaining. She pocketed the wad of twenties and turned away from the ATM, and as she did she nearly collapsed with shock. Walking across the lobby, wearing blue jeans and Red Sox T-shirt was Shen. Maggie flung out a hand and caught the edge of the machine, and as she did she realized that the man who walked so confidently towards her was not Shen, but a stranger with similar features and a desire to withdraw money.

She nodded abruptly to him and walked away, stiffly, watching the pink and white tiles slip under her feet. She rubber her forehead and left the rest stop.

That night she stopped at a seedy hotel off the through-way, tucked into a bed that had held countless dirty strangers and watched a fuzzy TV that only had three channels. She lay there among the filthy, stained pillows and rubbed her fingers along the seven cassette tapes, each tape sending a fresh shiver down her spine. As the digital clock bled closer and closer to midnight, her heart pounded and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that the hotel phone would ring at exactly twelve o’clock, and it wouldn’t be room service.

At eleven fifty-nine she rolled off the bed and washed her face in the bathroom sink. She barely even felt the cold water slipping down her face. She was quaking and the wood-paneled walls seemed to be closing in on her very slowly, silently, stealthily. In the bedroom the little red numbers changed again and it was midnight. Maggie trembled, her ears searching for the high-pitched ring of the telephone, or the creak of a door opening. Something, anything.

Twelve-oh-one. Nothing. Maggie clutched the lip of the bathroom counter and told herself to calm down, think logically. She licked her lips, cast one last look to the frazzled, distracted woman in the mirror and walked slowly back into the bedroom. She sat on the bed as carefully as if she thought it might break beneath her and turned on the TV. The news, telling about a bomb in the Middle East, as usual. A commercial for an omelet flipper (Have you ever wanted to make the perfect omelet? Then you need our product!) And on the last of the channels that the television offered was a red screen and the soft buzz of white noise.

Into the gentle hum of the TV, a voice spoke. Maggie clutched a pillow to her stomach and she drew her legs up beside her. She tasted copper on the sides of her mouth and she swallowed. “Maggie, it’s me,” said the TV. “Maggie, listen to me. You betrayed me. You promised me you’d love me forever but you don’t, you don’t love me anymore, Magpie. I live in this eternal hell, every single second, pain and sweat and tears and Maggie you’re forgetting me.”

Maggie was crying. She lifted the remote to the TV and pressed the off button and the TV kept showing that red screen, Shen’s voice kept its harsh, low rant.

“I’ve called you. I told you I loved you and how do you repay me? You don’t even call me back! I called that therapist, Ellen something. She ignored me too. Do you know what it’s like to be ignored? No! I never ignored you! I made you dinner and bought you cigarettes and I cared for you because you were helpless. So do you know what I did, Magpie? Do you want to know? I sold my soul to the devil. Wasn’t cancer that got me, baby, it was the beast at 666. Horns and pitchforks, the whole enchilada.”

Maggie screamed and hurled her purse at the screen. Cassette tapes ricocheted off the walls and tissue packets flopped to the floor and Shen’s voice continued, hard and full of the pain of the dead. “I made a deal with the devil, Maggie. I told him he could have my soul, as long as you loved me forever. You have to love me forever, because I am in hell, I am burning again and again and I will never be stoked because I sold my soul. Come for me, Maggie. Pick up the phone and dial the number and I promise you it won’t be Kentucky. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Maggie, pick up the damn phone!”

Maggie shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. “I can’t, I can’t. Shen I do love you, I do, I do. I can’t do it.”

The TV was silent and in a split second of clarity Maggie knew that the silence was worse than his voice grating over the whispers of countless lost souls.

She dug her nails into the pillow and remembered Shen, the real Shen before he had become the soulless thing of recent years. She remembered meeting him in Gym class, as she snuck behind the bleachers for a smoke and ran into the lurking shadow that had been trailing her for some months. But he wasn’t a stalker. He loved her, supported her, knew what she needed even before she herself knew. They had shared a cigarette and then a kiss, and within three months they were living together over the print shop, eating aloo palak as Frankincense flooded their senses.

All he wanted was her love. Was that so wrong?

She rubbed away the tears, sniffled and picked up the phone. She wrapped the cord around her wrist and dialed the number that had haunted her for seven long years.

It rang. Once, twice three times and then a receiver clicked on the other end.
“Hello, you’ve reached the devil, how may I help you?”
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1419
Reviews 161
Maggie stopped at a rest stop fifty miles out of the city and pulled two hundred dollars out of her bank account, leaving only three hundred and thirty dollars remaining.


I'm sure the rest stops have a proper name. It's something like a '----- station'. Check it out as it makes it look as if you haven't done your reasearch.

She nodded abruptly to him and walked away, stiffly, watching the pink and white tiles slip under her feet. She rubber her forehead and left the rest stop
.

Comma before stiffly is unneccessary.

That night she stopped at a seedy hotel off the through-way, tucked into a bed that had held countless dirty strangers and watched a fuzzy TV that only had three channels. She lay there among the filthy, stained pillows


Like the description here.

“Hello, you’ve reached the devil, how may I help you?”


I found this very amusing, it sounds like something I might do to my friends. If it's meant to be an ice-breaker, well done. If it's meant to keep us scared, then you need to describe the voice as somethign scary and rephrase it to something like,
"You've reached the devil."

Great chapter. Well, done. I especially liked the section when the TV speaks, something I saw coming but I wasn't dissappointed by how it turned out. Nice and thrilling and also reveals information on why this is happenning. The pacing is pretty good as well.

P.S. Noticed your username. If you are an aussie, I love the accent. :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 32
I enjoyed this. It was just a little bit predictable, but not disappointing. The very last sentence--the one where the devil picked up the phone--wasn't exactly "scary". You could have described the devil's voice, or you could have made him say something like "You've reached hell" or something along those lines. But altogether, I enjoyed this.
Fail fast, succeed sooner!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 317
i enjoyed reading this, you are very good. the only part that confused me was the rest stop, with a lobby. i put myself at a bank. but everything else was awesome. great job. keep going.
kim




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
Hello,
First of all, I’ll admit to not reading the first part of the chapter. *Cringes* Secondly, as always, first comes the line-by-line crit, and then impressions, etc.


Quote:
She pocketed the wad of twenties and turned away from the ATM, and as she did she nearly collapsed with shock.

The last part of the above sentence ((…) and as she did she early (…)) has a bit of an awkward ring to it. I think adding ‘so’ up there wouldn’t do any harm. I’m hesitating whether to advice you to add a comma, then, because I’m not entirely sure.

Quote:
Shen I do love you

Comma after ‘Shen’.

Quote:
Walking across the lobby, wearing blue jeans and Red Sox T-shirt was Shen.

Comma before ‘Shen’. And me very much like that intro : )

Quote:
Maggie flung out a hand and caught the edge of the machine, and as she did she realized that the man who walked so confidently towards her was not Shen,

As with the first quoted sentence: As she did = as she did so. That is a very cool sentence structure in my opinion, but using it two times in my paragraph wipes away its uniqueness.

Quote:
She nodded abruptly to him and walked away, stiffly, watching the pink and white tiles slip under her feet.

Already pointed out by Fantasyartist, who advised to delete the coma. Do either that, or rephrase. The first is simpler, lol, so listen to him, not me.

Quote:
A commercial for an omelet flipper (Have you ever wanted to make the perfect omelet? Then you need our product!)

Don’t you need a period at the end? O_o Or perhaps not. Punctuation is bizarre.

Quote:
and Maggie you’re forgetting me.”

Comma up there, and perhaps add ‘-’ after the name?

Quote:
She lifted the remote to the TV and pressed the off button and the TV kept showing that red screen, Shen’s voice kept its harsh, low rant.

Split this, because it is a bit of a run-on sentence right now.

Quote:
Wasn’t cancer that got me, baby, it was the beast at 666. Horns and pitchforks, the whole enchilada.”

Ooh.

Quote:
All he wanted was her love. Was that so wrong?

Ooh again.

Quote:
Hello, you’ve reached the devil, how may I help you?”

Aah, not to be repetitive.


Okay, so that is the end of the line-by-line boring-stuff part. With the exception, of course, of the three last quotes ^_^

Firstly, I wanted to say that I enjoyed this piece very much. Not really being original, am I? *Sighs*. Let the oohs and aahs start.
-> Body language was awesome. I’m a sucker for body language, so you automatically get like three-thirds of the top note for that one.
-> Nice suspense you managed to build there. And the topple it down. Its midnight - and wham - nothing. Very nice. Yes, I definitely loved the tension - you made me feel for her when the TV started speaking to her. Another plus when we come to character descriptions, emotions and etc.
-> Descriptions. The descriptions were very good, with the exception of that first repetitive sentece structure paragraph (explained above).
-> Overall it was a very well-written piece. There were a few comma issues, but as wit half of them I’m not too sure, I can’t really start a rant here, can I?
-> The only thing that could use improvement in this part of the chapter is the scene in which Maggie mistakes the stranger for Shen. At that point I did not know who Shen was, and what his role was, and I just kind of did not care that it might actually be Shen. And I should. Maggie should, too, but she didn’t, either. Add some body language there, some emotion, tell - show - us what she feels when she thinks se sees Shen, and then what (emotions, feeling etc.) when it turns out it is not him.

Anyway, very nice piece,
Keep up the good work,
Esme




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
Wow. You continue to freak me out. I can't wait to keep reading. Well, at the very last part where it said that you have reached the devil, I thought was very cool, but it kind of made it..uh...it doesn't really fit the story. If you are focusing on tradedy and ghosts, you should change it to "This is the Devil." or something along those lines.

Great job! Oh yeah, and this kind of reminded me of Ghost Rider...selling his soul to the devil...not exactly original, but still, it is a great piece!

If you keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.



You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan