Starkton

The ocean had long since turned black with vile chemicals, but something about the view had a dark charm. The blend of opaque waves with dirty gray sand had an odd allure to it, like an old, derelict house that one desired, yet feared to explore.

I couldn't help but approach the edge of that twisted sea, walking along the shore, taking in the sights and silence. The calling of seagulls and the scuttling of crabs was misplaced; this were a body devoid of life. The air was corroded, as if there was some invisible creature reaching out and stinging the eyes and choking the lungs. I couldn't stay long.

The horizon was darkened by a towering beast. The old tanker, covered with holes and rust, creaked with the tide. Occasionally it would let out a hellish moan, steel twisting and bending deep within. The people of the mountain city called it the Murderer; it was the ship that killed the coast.

For some reason, I deeply desired to graze my hand across its deadly, rusted history. But what madness had possessed me? Why did this vista appeal to me so?

My thoughts were interrupted by an ocean spray. The droplets were cold and made my skin tingle. Quickly wiping them off, I looked one last time at the ship, and went back up the path into the fields.

Wow. This is reeeeally good. I couldn't find many gramatical errors or anything but if this is a story I would introduce characters, plot, so on and so forth.

I loved how descriptive it was and how you immediatly painted a picture in my head. It was eatiuful. Anyway, I loved it, but if you're gonna post more (which you should) you should explain some more things.


~Pol~

The ocean had long since turned black with vile chemicals, but something about the view had a dark charm. The blend of opaque waves with dirty gray sand had an odd allure to it, like an old, derelict house that one desired, yet feared to explore.

I love the way you use your words here. Nice language and very good description. Hats off to you.

My only complaint is that it's rather short, and as Pol says, we dont get told much. From what I read I think it's something to do with an oil-tanker liek ship that crashed and killed the nature in the coast. Tell me if I was close.

But apart from expansion issues, I thought your writing style was very clear and fluidic. Good job.

There's more to come, don't worry. Thanks for the feedback!

i loved the discription, i actually had the mental view of the land scape. i hope you post more on this, you are very good , cant find a single negative remark to make. keep writing.
kim

Hi,
This piece was just...beautiful. I loved the original descriptions, and the way it flowed so smoothly. Is this a prologue, or just a stand-alone piece?
Excellent!

But what madness had possessed me?

I'm not sure if but is the best choice to use for the beginning of this sentence. You might try simply "What madness had possessed me?" to make it flow better.

"The ocean had long since turned black with vile chemicals, but something about the view had a dark charm. The blend of opaque waves with dirty gray sand had an odd allure to it, like an old, derelict house that one desired, yet feared to explore.
Good.

I couldn't help but approach the edge of that twisted sea, walking along the shore, taking in the sights and silence. The [s]calling[/s] calls of seagulls and the scuttling of crabs [s]was[/s] were misplaced; this was a body devoid of life. The air was [s]corroded[/s] (awkward), [s]as if there was some invisible creature reaching out and stinging the eyes and choking the lungs. [/s] (awkward metaphor, does not make sense) I couldn't stay long.



The horizon was darkened by a towering beast. The old tanker, covered [s]in[/s] with holes and rust. It creaked [s]with[/s] in the tide. Occasionally it would let out a hellish moan, steel twisting and bending deep within. The people of the mountain city called it the Murderer; it was the ship that killed the coast.

For some reason, I deeply desired to graze my hand across[s] its[/s] [s]deadly,[/s] [s]rusted [/s]history. [s]But [/s]What madness had possessed me? Why did this [s]vista[/s] (improper use, not needed) appeal to me [s]so[/s]?

My thoughts were interrupted by an ocean spray. The droplets were cold and made my skin tingle. Quickly wiping them off, I looked one last time at the ship, and went back up the path into the fields."

Interesting little bit, you had some tense errors and awkward sentances, some pieces detracted from the piece entirely, for a moment you lost focus of the ship with your 'invisible beast' metaphor that wasn't really needed, and could be expressed as 'heavy' or 'thick air'. However, you want to do it is your call, but your current one didn't make much sense or any good comparision a reader would understand.

Nice work.