Love is a Cliche

Passion is just a dream away,
I wake and stir, though the light,
Hurts my eyes; blinds my senses.

We gallivant amongst the sheets,
A lovers daydream; twilight or noon.
Stars of the moon will dance,
Amongst flowers, and feelings,
I'm exuberantly alive.

You'll caress my soul, tenderly,
But then you'll evaporate in my tears;
What a crime. What a sin.

----

Needs improving. I actually found this in an old notebook of mine, from about a year ago. =]

i have yet to read anything of yours that i didnt like. i love your discriptions, and the emotion you put into your writing.
kim

Yeah if you improve thsi a little more I guess it will be a nice poem dear.

I've never read anything written by you..
But this is a VERY GOOD start to me reading of your writing.
I thoroughly enjoyed this.
I loved all of the passion.

Jess. *=]

I actually think it is rather powerful, up until the end. The end is a bit more weak and abstract than is fit. Some things like "caress my soul" are cliché, but they still work. I think if you were to grab on, tightly, to what ever emotion you are trying to portray here (love, or the absence of love?) and spread it on the poem, thickly, though word choice and imagery and metaphors and what ever else you can find. I think this is a very good start (for some reason, S1 and S2 struck me very well, and S3 only slightly less).

The only other problem I have with it is the punctuation. In some cases, your punctuation is much more "Feel" than grammatically accurate, and it makes reading it a bit odd. Good, though. ^_~ Keep it up, Ging.

I like how it flowed, how you described how the character felt. I know you could make this longer and I think it would be better if you did. c'ya


-Max

Love may be a cliche, and so is this poem....

But thats not to say that this work is not well put together, I do like the imagery, I think the begining lines of the first and second stanzas are very nice and out of the ordinary.
I agree that the ending is weak, I'd probably scrap it and try for something a little more in keeping with the vivid tone of the earlier lines.

But i like this, it won't be something I'll remember, but it wasn't a bad find in yyour notebook.

Love is cliche....but so is this poem. Only the ending really struck me as something interesting.

I think this has the potential to be much improved, though; this poem should be about conflict in a relationship. Sophisticated poetry is made by the presence of conflict, ambivalence, or both.

The first two stanzas are all fluffy images and cliched expressions of overhwelming emotion. Make them better by giving them substance, real-life substance.

What makes real life so much more interesting than one-sided views of emotion or action? There is conflict. There's ambivalence; no person ever truly feels only one emotion about something.

There's always the element of doubt, anger, mistrust, happiness, unhappiness, desperation, nostalgia. I think you can definitely find something to add to this to make it a little richer. (Like cake. Or brownies. Not that I'm really hungry and craving chocolate right now.)

-Colleen

Ahhh LizzyG; Cliches exist because they are so very relate-able to the human being ^.^ Thus while your poem may be a cliche it is merely because it selects and identifies with the issues the human mind is plagued with ^.^

I find that your first two stanzas are strong, clear and full of emotion, howver it is your final stanza that lags behind. Though I particularily enjoy your final line "What a crime. What a sin." I think it is well used here. I do agree that the use of the caressed could be changed, I believe you have a better phrase in you for that no?

All in all I enjoyed this poem, cliched or not. And for an old piece it's even better. Nice work.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

PenguinAttack wrote:Ahhh LizzyG; Cliches exist because they are so very relate-able to the human being ^.^ Thus while your poem may be a cliche it is merely because it selects and identifies with the issues the human mind is plagued with ^.^

All poetry should identify "the issues the human mind is plagued with". Cliche exists because people don't do it properly. A good poet can express a universal emotion or theme without borrowing from movies, songs, popular sayings, or Hallmark cards. GingerLizzy, don't be afraid of addressing a "cliche" topic--be afraid of addressing it in a tired way.

I love how you get better and better with everything you write. It's amazing to watch.
The first stanza is great, but I think I'd change the third line to:
"Blinds my senses, hurts my eyes." as then you have the repetition of the "i" sound at the line ends.
"Lovers" needs an apostrophe for posession. I think "twilight" is too long a word to use here, and I think I'd swop it for one which just haas one syllabyl. I'm not sure about "stars of the moon", I didn't get it. But then again, I'm not a romantic, so maybe that's why, in which case you should feel free to ignore me! I love "I'm exuberantly alive". It was a very powerful line, and I think it worked wonderfully well.
I loved the sentiment expressed in the end, but feel that you could have made it so much stronger. If you are to keep the second line of this stanza, I'd try;
"But you'll evaporare in tears." as I think it flows better.
I was a little disappointed with the last line. I just didn't feel fully satisfied with it as an ending, and it wasn't the equal of your other beautiful, eloquent phrases.
Overall, I liked this piece very much! I hope this helps.

I think this is very powerful. A little flat at the end but otherwise, I really enjoyed reading it. It had a power behind it that the reader can feel. Nice Job!

I actually found the ending quite energetic.

Overall, the poem was good--though not without its let-downs.

My least favorite lines and phrases (with reasoning) are:

"I wake and stir, though the light,
Hurts my eyes; blinds my senses."

When people talk about cliche, they mean this: light blinds your senses, or just your eyes? Scrap these two lines.

"A lovers daydream; twilight or noon."

This really is like a shopping list. "Twilight or noon"? Uh-uh.

"of the moon "

Stars of the moon? Did you just put it there for rhyme purposes? Because it doesn't work.

"You'll caress my soul, tenderly,"
CLICHE! Ginger, caress a soul doesn't work. Find a better word.

My favorite lines:

"Passion is just a dream away,"

I like this one because it's metaphorical, but I can understand it.

"We gallivant amongst the sheets"
gallivant fits this line perfectly.

"I'm exuberantly alive."
Exuberant and alive match each other.

"What a crime. What a sin. "

The poem is very strong. There is a lot of meaning and emotion in it. Keep it up.