Spirits of the Twilight

Spirits of the Twilight

Into the opened-up twilight
They soar and fly
Up high into the sky
A magnificent line between day and night
Eyes of mystery
Heart of beauty
Telling their story
Through their flight

Past the blue seas
They dance and sing
Twittering and chatting
Skimming gracefully
Like radiant angels spreading their wings
Singing out their laments
A beautiful cry only present
Amongst the wailing of Sadness

Running towards the sun
With smiles and expressions of fun
They dazzle amongst the dark

Spirits of the twilight
Dance towards the night
Reaching towards the sinking sunlight
Erasing sad and regretful cries
Singing away all fears and frights

Vanishing into the day
A wind blows them away
We won't see them for long
But they'll be here each dawn
Invisible amongst all people

I don't know...
There is a few things that I like, but then there is the parts I dont like.
I'll start with the things you need to work on.
Your flow is not really good. At some places it actually dies in a way. I mean, there was a flow, and then you made a sentance that doesn't fit and all of the sudden, you break the flow.

Into the opened-up twilight
They soar and fly
Up high into the sky
A magnificent line between day and night
Eyes of mystery
Heart of beauty
Telling their story
Through their flight

I think this was all right. I love the 5th and 6th line.
You could use more metaphors in this poem.

Running towards the sun
With smiles and expressions of fun
They dazzle amongst the dark

This was a bit sudden. the rest of the poem exsixts out of more than 3 lines. Then all of the sudden, there it is. The 3 lines. Add one more to make it better.

Spirits of the twilight
Dance towards the night
Reaching towards the sinking sunlight
Erasing sad and regretful cries
Singing away all fears and frights

Vanishing into the day
A wind blows them away
We won't see them for long
But they'll be here each dawn
Invisible amongst all people

I actually loved these two stanzas.
'Reaching towards the sinking sunlight' this was a really good metaphor with a alliteration in it. 'Sinking sunlight' Really good.

I think with a little more work, it will be very good.

I can't say I loved this poem, but that's more my taste in writing than your actual writing. The flow was a bit akward. Sometimes it was really good, and then you would just lose it all of a sudden.

With a bit of revising this could be really good, but you do need to work on it a bit more.

I liked the poem, but I was distracted by the lack of punctuation. I think adding some would add a lot to the piece

Into the opened-up twilight
They soar and fly
Up high into the sky
A magnificent line between day and night "Line" seems too simple a word here
Eyes of mystery
Heart of beauty [/i] I didn't like these two lines; they lacked flow
Telling their story
Through their flight

Past the blue seas I think if you removed the "the" it would flow better
They dance and sing
Twittering and chatting
Skimming gracefully This line messes with the flow
Like radiant angels spreading their wings
Singing out their laments Are they really sad? I had the previous impression that they were happy
A beautiful cry only present
Amongst the wailing of Sadness Once again, you lose the reader for a second, because one moment you're using happy words, and the next, your using sad words. If the spirits are sad, I'd suggest using words with a depressing connotation from the beginning.

Running towards the sun
With smiles and expressions of fun I don't like these two lines. The rhyme is forced, and it contradicts the wailing happening in the previous stanza
They dazzle amongst the dark

Spirits of the twilight
Dance towards the night
Reaching towards the sinking sunlight I like these lines, but I would suggest changing "sunlight" to just "light"[/i]
Erasing sad and regretful cries
Singing away all fears and frights

Vanishing into the day
A wind blows them away This line breaks the flow
We won't see them for long
But they'll be here each dawn
Invisible amongst all people


All in all, the poem was ambiguous in its content, which is alright for some poems, but I was confused about the emotions of the different forces. A little punctuation would greatly improve the poem, and with a little work after that, it could easily be fantastic! Merry writing!

I really liked it! the only thing I could say to change would be this line:
[quote="Lil_Pau"][b]Spirits of the Twilight[/b]

Telling their story
Through their flight


It didn't flow quite as well as the rest.