T-whack! I whip my head around. "Oh no!" I see favorite my book on the ground, covered in tomato sauce. "You've got to be kidding!"I walk across the room and slowly bend down to the ground. I reach my hand over to the book when I spot a blue and red baseball. " Joshua Tim Hemerly!" I scream at the top of my lungs. A small blonde, blue eyed boy walked into the room. "Why the fuck would you throw the baseball in my room!" His face started to turn red, and his sea like eyes started to glisten. Pity took the place of my anger, as i reached for him. I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around his petite little body. "i'm sorry josh" He rested his tiny blonde head on my shoulder. I slowly pushed him into my fision and said, "Are you ok?" He slowly nodded his head and hugged me once more.
This is ok, but really, is it going anywhere? Is this just like the beginning to your story or something? Or is it just that?
I don't think you really told us much of anything. I mean, you don't want to info dump, but you should still tell us something.
Oh unless you're wanting us to read so we're curious about the bond between the two, who they are, what their situation is. In that case, I'm totally curious. But I'm confused at the moment. If you're putting more up, PM so I can read it.
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."
"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.
Ahoy! I see you're new here. Welcome aboard YWS! My name is Razorblade.
Now, seeing as you're new, there's a few rules to go over before you start posting literary work. The most important one is please critique at least two works before posting your own. As this piece is your only post, you might want to go and do that. Also, once you've done that, try to keep the critiques-to-work ratio the same.
Hope you enjoy yourself here on YWS! -St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah "Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko "So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
You will want to put more up, this isn't really enough for people to critique. Somewhere between 500 words and 2,000 words is a good length, but one paragraph isn't enough for people to give you a critique on.
Also, I put the rating up to R for the F' word.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
that was kind of odd. =] thought you were trying to hard on that piece, you should let it come to you naturaly if that makes sense (hope it does) just thinking why is she there why is that guy there you know more depth =] i liked the sudden surge of imagination which seems to be leaping out at me here. hope that was helpful bye!!!!!!!
