Rain Dance.

I'd stand in the downpour,
Until twilight if you asked.
Heavy drops of inky-coloured rain,
Soaking me to the skin;
I should've worn a coat.

You'll be late, as usual,
But I'll still wait here.
Knowing you'll turn up; sooner or later,
That smile I fell for,
Making the rainfall furious.

Our thoughts will be lost;
But not in the falling oceans.
No, they'll be lost in each other;
Entwined like lovers,
As we dance together, silently.

I'll decline the offer,
For the warmth your coat brings.
Even though goosebumps glide,
In waves across my skin.
The dancing should never end.

---

Hmm.. Not so sure about this myself. I'm losing it, like.

Gosh , i like this alot Lizzeh. : )

"I'd stand in the downpour,
Until twilight if you asked.
Heavy drops of inky-coloured rain,
Soaking me to the skin;
I should've worn a coat."

I'm not sure about the 'inky-coloured rain'. What colour is ink? Hmm.
I like the should've worn a coat line, hehe.

"You'll be late, as usual,
But I'll still wait here.
Knowing you'll turn up; sooner or later,
That smile I fell for,
Making the rainfall furious."

The flow is good i thinks. : ) Describing the rainfall as furious is super.

"Our thoughts will be lost;
But not in the falling oceans.
No, they'll be lost in each other;
Entwined like lovers,
As we dance together, silently. "

Good punctuation and such (ooh look at me being technical). I don't like the idea of dancing silently, i'm not sure why. Just in my personal opinion i'm not keen on that line but hey, it's not my poem xD.

"I'll decline the offer,
For the warmth your coat brings.
Even though goosebumps dance,
In waves across my skin.
The dancing should never end. "

I love this about the goosebumps dancing in waves across skin. It's amazinmg discriptivenessness. Hehe.

Anyways, Nice Work!


Byes,

Sarah..
xx

I feel bad...no time to crit......=(.

Great job, though. I liked it!

I'd stand in the downpour,
Until twilight if you asked.
Heavy drops of inky-coloured rain,
Soaking me to the skin;
I should've worn a coat.

i kind of want to know why you would be asked to stand in the rain
is it supposed to imply an abusive relationship, being taken for granted, something?
and i thought the 'should've worn a coat' line was cute but kind of threw me off.

Making the rainfall furious

I feel like this poem is about being in love and happy and all that, so maybe furious rain isn't the right word choice? Or maybe the point you're trying to express is just a little unclear.

For the warmth your coat brings.

Coat again, unless you're trying to make a point with repetition, I would suggest changing it to something else.

And the transition throughout the whole poem seems a little off; the ideas tie together well but all the stanzas seem to jump about.

But I did really like the poem, you have good imagery :]

Yeah this does have good imagery, but it was kind of mixed imagery to me. Like I could see what you were saying but the emotions were mixed to me. The whole pattern and way you put it together wasn't exactly something to catch my eye or stick with me. It could be that it's really late and I'm tired. Oh and I've got Brad Paisley blaring so loud I can't think...but I do think this can be improved a bit. Good luck.


Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

I'd stand in the downpour,
Until twilight if you asked.
Heavy drops of inky-coloured rain,
Soaking me to the skin; [I think you could have described the rain better. Remember that you can use all five sense and try to be very visual. Perhaps something like -

Heavy shards of glacial rain
Penetrate through my clothes and the surface of my skin.

I should've worn a coat. [This line is very good but 'should have' would add more emphasis and make it stand out more while aiding your flow.]

You'll be late, as usual,
But I'll still wait here.
Knowing you'll turn up; sooner or later,
That smile I fell for,
Making the rainfall furious. [This stanza is a little plain but the punctuation is good and I really like the third line. Perhaps add a touch more imagery? Just a few more adjectives and such. Perhaps something like -

'Knowing you'll turn up; sooner or later.
Besides, I have your umberella of a smile
To shelter me, to hide behind.
That smile I fell for,
Making the rainfall furious.' [Good last line by the way.]

Our thoughts will be lost;
But not in the falling oceans.
No, they'll be lost in each other;
Entwined like lovers,
As we dance together, silently. [I'm not sure about the imagery of dancing. It's used too often, especially in conjunction with lovers and the rain.]

I'll decline the offer, [Perhaps remove this comma?]
For the warmth your coat brings.
Even though goosebumps glide,
In waves across my skin.
The dancing should never end. [Maybe rather than the dancing should never end, you could have 'I hope the rain never ends' for a touch of irony.]

Overall, I like the general idea but some more imagery wouldn't hurt. Good work though!

I'd stand in the downpour, (I'd omit the comma here)
Until twilight if you asked.
Heavy drops of inky-coloured rain, (I'd get rid of "coloured", as I think it disrupts the flow.)
Soaking me to the skin; (I'd change this line, as it's a touch stale.)
I should've worn a coat. (Lovely. I like the simple regret here.)

You'll be late, as usual,
But I'll still wait here.
Knowing you'll turn up; sooner or later, (These are a nice three lines, straightforward and effective)
That smile I fell for,
Making the rainfall furious. [i]*Maybe "makes"? This is a little unclear. Is it the smile while is causing the rain? If so, can you expand on this idea? Also, is the rain itself furious, or is the rain falling furiously?)

Our thoughts will be lost;
But not in the falling oceans.
No, they'll be lost in each other; (I'm not sure about "they'll", maybe try, "No, lost solely")[/i]
Entwined like lovers, (Are you entwined like lovers, or are you lovers? Could you be entwined like something else, like vines, or snakes, or shoelaces? Actually, I like shoelaces.)
As we dance together, silently. (Maybe "As, sliently, we dance", sa I think it flows better, and I don't think you need to say that you were dancing together.)

I'll decline the offer,
For the warmth your coat brings. (I think you need another word here. Maybe "warmth which", or "coat will bring. Also, I think I'd change "from" to "of.")
Even though goosebumps glide, (Lovely)
In waves across my skin. (Lovely again.)
The dancing should never end. (Maybe change "dancing" to "dance." for the sake of the rhythm.)

Overall, I enjoyed reading this and enjoyed how easily it unfolded.