I think adding the grammar would be an excellent idea Reyu but for now, I'll try to just look at the wording of the poem.
I don't like the first line either. Or rather, I don't like rhyming 'come' with 'become' and some of your lines are rather jerky in that first stanza. Here's a few possible changes -
Were we at last to twilight succumb, forever something to become - shameless of the reckless wheel spinning still an eternal deal. We are masters of our fate, Witching hour inside the gate.
And yes, I'd omit that last line. It seems rather unecessary and doesn't quite fit with the poem. Then the second stanza is very good but again, the last line seems a touch weak but maybe if you rearrange it and edit a bit -
The whitest glow, the purest blunder spiteless now of Kali's hunger - a temper tempest worthy of Thor's thunder. The ox's eyes have not a wonder; would be a shame for love to sunder.
The third stanza I like too but the flow could be improved and it feels a little fragmented. My suggestion -
Angels dwell in harmony, no need for plated armory. Cupid with his twisted archery - once inside it strikes an artery, revealing it as sunrise warmth, a Valkyrie. [Not sure about 'sunrise warmth' because it's a bit long and not the greatest description.]
I love the pace of your fourth stanza and some of the imagery is brilliant. In fact, I think that you only need to correct the punctuation in that verse for it to be perfect. The fifth is great too. Especially those last few lines, very beautiful.
In general, I think you've got a really good poem here!
Added grammar and I like the way you have it for those three stanzas. Still looking at it currently... I am not done yet, with the correcting that is. I will be happy soon though.
Kitty you rock
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
Oh this is a really great poem. I love the rhymes and everything. I don't really know what to say except that it was good. Um...yeah...
Keep up the good work.
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."
"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.
This has a descent rhythm, and I like the rhymes. I noticed that in the first few stanzas you switch your rhymes around - by that I mean you had one rhyme for the first few lines and a different one for the remaining in that stanza. I liked that better than when you transitioned to having full stanzas with the same rhyme.
I enjoyed the poem as it is, but if you are interested in working on it more, I would suggest you change those stanzas with the same rhyme.
How hard can it be to just let go and drift away with the wind?
