Mephisto Waltz

Mephisto Waltz by Kaoru

The dance has begun,
From the first breath,
To the last heart beat,
Each one of us is caught in the chaotic twirl,
Forever in our crinolin and velvet ball attire,
Until the clock strikes twelve,
When the waltz turns into a danse macabre.
We drink and we spin until we fall apart,
For we are all broken dolls in the end.

This is interesting.

You have interesting word choice. Mephisto, which can be short for Mephistopheles. Crinolin is an unique word (I had to look it up even). I adore your reference to Danse Macabre, as I am a fan of those works.

Despite all those finely chosen words, though, this didn't do much for me. It's too plain, really. It has some nice features, but nothing that stands out, strongly. How should this make me feel? I kind of have to guess what you are talking about; the actual members of the Danse Macabre? It just felt a bit too lose to me, unemotional, and blank. I think you could put some more imagery into it, make it stronger.

Also, your punctuation is pretty bland. All of your lines, up until the last, end in commas. Keep in mind, punctuation is a form of grammar, not something you just slap on to a poem carelessly. ^_~

Best of luck.

I liked the description of the dance. I think it would help if you elaborated on the last line, because it seems that you have a lot you could say there, but you just sum it up. If you go into more detail there, it will be more emotional, I think, but if you don't, it's a nice poem about dances.

Nice! This really made me understand what the dance is like, especially the last lines--broken dolls is a good way to put it. It's sort of like everybody was circling and circling until they got tired, physically and emotionaly. Your word choice was simply fantastic.... except what is crinolin? I still do not understand.

You could extend this to give us a more personal outlook into the baile. Include a description of the people, imagery, the sounds, why they were broken dolls in the end. Make another stanza, where you explain yourself to the reader through poetry, or at least add another line, a provacative line, something that says "But broken dolls aren't..." or "A dance can always..." something general from the specific poem yo showed us.

Good job!

I like this, but there's a something lacking. The word choice is impeccable in some places, and lacking in others. The grammar structure seems very colloquial and awkward compared to the vocabulary. I think it evokes what you want it to evoke; it makes me think of the darker V-kei/Goth Loli stuff, but it lacks emotion.

I can't think of specific ways to re-word without completely reworking the poem, but I think a little more attention to rhythm and sentence structure would help a lot.

Ta-da, your first patented Meep poetry edit.

First of all, it's about dancing, so I'm instantly intrigued! And mephisto as well[er, I'm assuming you meant the camera manufacturer at the moment, but there's not much to clue this in your poem. Actually, there's not much to clue any of the definitions, so I'm unsure. What clues am I looking for? Well, if say, you'd said "Until the clock flashes twelve" or "Until the clock snaps twelve" for example. A snap and a flash are words associated with cameras and photography, so that would have been one thing to lead me to associate "Mephisto" with the camera definition as opposed to the others.]? You've already captured my poetic interest ^_^ But anyways, on to people who, well, aren't me:

I think there's too many words. That sounds a bit odd, doesn't it? But I think there are words where there don't need to be words at times, making things a bit too tangible, perhaps. For example, I think that you could drop the "heart" from line three so that it's more breath to beat, rather than breath to heartbeat.

Danse Macabre: well, you spelled it right, so I'm going to assume you know what you're talking about ^_^ Just in case you haven't heard it, here's a link, if you can listen behind the figure skating commentary. It might be good to listen to this version too, to see how the music's been interpreted into 'dance'. I looked up the definition of "Macabre" as well, and because you chose this word, I'm wondering if you meant "Mephisto" in the sense of the German tank. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to choose a few more such vivid words.

The part about being caught in time didn't make so much sense to me. Why would the waltz turn into a danse macabre just because the clock struck twelve? It seems random. It also seems a little rushed, like the first part is introducing the dance, and then wait! It's changed before you could catch all of it. Let the words sweep the reader away ^_^ I think that the rushed feel comes from the phrase "the waltz turns into". I think that ushers/hurries things unnecessarily. It seems almost removed from the feel of the rest of the poem. Maybe if you said something like "Until the clock strikes twelve/ and we waltz into a danse macabre" or something like that.

I love the last two lines! Lovely, lovely. You might want to reconsider punctuation here. At the end of every line, there is either a comma or a period, and that just makes me want to stop and take a big breath when I get to them: very interruptive: "Each one of us is caught in the chaotic twirl *breath* forever in our crinolin and velvet ball attire *breath* until the clock strikes twelve *breath*" etc.

PM me if you have any questions!
-Amelia

I really liked it. It was something different from all the other poetry. It is a beautiful dance and that is what really intrigued me in the first place.

Each one of us is caught in the chaotic twirl,
Forever in our crinolin and velvet ball attire,

You really have an eye for word choices and that is what I like.

I think it was very good. Can't wait for more.

Very captivating and just a little haunting. It's a striking piece

For we are all broken dolls in the end.

I particularly like this line.

Well that's about it. =3

~M