Enjoy

It doesn't really have a title, and I can't think of one right now...So, here it is!

Working Title: Enjoy

See the world through another's eyes,
Whether they be old, limbless, or blind,
You forget and leave everyone behind,
Your friends, your pals,
Your dreams, your mind

Remember your friends, remember the times,
You laughed, you fought, you talked, you cried,
There's only so much time a person has,
You never know how long it will last

So enjoy this time of which I speak,
And be yourself, don't have any leaks,
Your real friends like you for who you are
Drop the mask and go with them,
They won't be far.

Heh. It was a poem about my friends at school I decided to write. I've switched around friends so many times, it's just one of my favorite subjects. It helps me get through things.

So! There's......Enjoy....Again, working title....It sounds kind of lame, doesn't it? I hope you like it! My first ever writing post on this site, too.

Welcome to the site!

Your rhyme and meter in this poem are impressive, and I liked the poem when I read it. If you would like some constructive criticism, read on, but if not, rest assured that I liked the poem.

The first thing I noticed is that the first stanza has a different focus then the rest of the poem. At first, you're talking about tolerance (if I understand you correctly) but by the end, your focus is being yourself. I liked the rhyming of the first stanza a lot, it just doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem.

The second two stanzas fit nicely together, I just don't understand why "time" and "mask" are in quotes.

Also: I was so happy that the rhyme was going so good, but then I got to these lines.

So enjoy this "time" of which I speak,
And be yourself, don't have any leaks[/i]

These are forced, so if you could fix them to flow better, that would be amazing, because all the rhymes would make sense. There's also the last line of the poem, and it sounds a bit abrupt, but some people like abrupt endings.

Well, thank you very much for posting this! Can't wait to read more from you! I would suggest a title, but naming things aren't my strong point. Have fun!

Yeah, I completely get what your saying. My focus when it comes to poems and songs varies a LOT. I get off topic....Hehe.

Yeah, I meant to put quotes around time, but the mask was just a typo. I don't remember putting them on, actually...

So, it sounds forced?? Dang it... I've got to get my priorities straightened out...I'm completely obsessed with rhyming, so all my poems, of course, have to be rhyming, and I think I focused on that too much, instead of getting the wording and timing right...

Ahh well, what are first drafts for??

Thank you so much for the input!!

I liked this, for a first attempt it was actually pretty good. The concept was actually very original and reminded me of the kind of thing someone would say when they were going to hypnotise someone... Am I right?

The flow worked well with this whole effect as it was easy going and kinda slow and groovy; reminded me of those kind of seventies hippy backgrounds. Whether or not this is a good or a bad thing, you decide, but I really liked it.

You imagery was just lovely and it tended to be very original, fitting in with the whole flow and rythmn and not hitting that awful problem where the flow and rythmn skip a beat every so often and even end up stopping all together.

You've got an interesting take on it, I'll give you that...

But, yeah, I see what you're saying...I think...

Heh. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

No problem. You have some fantastic rhymes in this song, it's just that one was off. It was a great first draft, though.

I think that the overall effect of the poem is pretty good, but there's a little bit of obscurity when it comes down to the ideas (is that a trend?). Also, I found this line to be pretty out of place:

And be yourself, don't have any leaks,

I almost understand what you're saying, but not quite. To me, it just seems out of step with the rest of the poem.

Alva--


I'm sorry, but this is indistinguishable from the steaming mound of inspirational poetry found far and wide across the internet.

Consider dropping the clichés, rhymes, and the didactic instructions your poem imparts; then start over.


Best,
Brad

Yes, yes, I'm aware of everything extremely terrible in my icky poem.

It's supposed to be indistinguishable. It was something I spent about 5 minutes on, counting looking for things that rhymed, taking needed words out to make the flow better, and changing the subject just because I thought of a cool rhyme to put into my poem. It's basically just something to get a lot more insight about poems than I already have.

And hopefully, it's made me a better poem-writer!! Note to self: You use way too many cliches.....

Thanks for the input, though!! I'm starting to get a bigger picture...