An Anwser

No

You wanted an answer
And that's what you get.
I said you should wait
I might come soon.

But you wanted me now
And I can't do that.
We're in seperate worlds
And I can't handle leaving right now.

You said you loved me
But you won't come visit me.
It's always the girl who
Has to fly out and see you.

I have friends now
And they're going through hell.
I need to be there for them
Like they're always there for me.

Unlike you...

I saw you on your birthday
And you said
That was all you wanted.
And I was thinking the same.

But mine was last week
And all I got was a card
That said "Thinking of you.
Happy Birthday. Love Cade."

I cried all night
But my friends were there
To make me feel better.
And now it's my turn.

I never look at other guys
But you think I'm cheating?
I don't know why you say that.
It's stupid because I care for you.

Stop calling me!
I know you are curious
But I thought you trusted me.
I guess that's a no.

It's 3am when you called
Even if it's eleven for you.
You ask "who are you with?"
And I hung up the phone.

You call again and yell at me.
I say I'm sick and tired of this.
I won't put up with it anymore.
Did I break up with you?

Yes.


*I just wrote this because I'm bored. I really don't know anything about long distance relationships, for I'm not, and haven't been, in one. But I just decided to write about it. Hope you like it.*

This sounds like one of those conversations you have in your head and wish you had the guts to say to the person, you know? It doesn't really sound like a poem. I'm not really sure what to say in this critique because, while the poem was full of emotion and okay cliche-wise, I really didn't feel like I was reading a poem, except for the four-line-stanza thing. It didn't work. The ending seemed a little strange. It should be more definite, maybe
here's my solution.
I'm breaking up with you.

Here's my suggestion. Go back to this poem and think about what emotions you're trying to evoke in the reader. Empathy for the girl. Frustration with the guy. her love for him. Then think about how your poem did and did not succeed in conveying these emotions. Now try a bunch of different ways of rewriting the poem so that the emotions come through clearer and in a way that is more poetic than the versions posted here already.

PM me if/when you rewrite. I'd love to read it.

Aussie

Hmm.. I liked this; I thought it was a great concept, but there isn't much emotion entwined in the words of the piece and even though we know that the author is going through a lot - maybe even crying when she's writing - we just find it hard to feel ourselves, and that's always something which makes a poem better; making the reader feel bad.

It's about a girl and a guy, living away from each other, right? Perhaps like an Internet relationship maybe, or penpals? I liked this as it's not often that you find a peom that relates around love at a distance - and between teenagers none the less.

I liked how the author described how her friends all milled around her to make her feel better. Romance and friendship, all rolled into one; I like!

Just think about the emotion thing and try to come up with phrases and words that aren't cliche, then you'll be onto something fantastic.

if this really happened to you i am sorry. but if it didnt...well...i dont know what to say. this was really good. i also think you should make the ending more direct. YOU ARE AWSOME!!!!! I MISS YOU!!!!!

love,
dan

Yeah, I liked this too. I'm not a poet and don't know much about poetry, so
I just tell you from the gut. Um...This was interasting. I always like the
breaking up things. Stuff from the heart about hatred and love, I like that
stuff. This is no exception.
Good work! Keep writing,

-- M.B.Author

Okay. I really like this; I think it may have been your best yet. Definitely my favorite.

Critique-wise, there's not much to say... I didn't think that any of the lines were cliched - admittedly, I am not the best at spotting those - and I liked how all the descriptions we scattered throughout the entire poem; you had to keep reading to find out what the poem was about, which was a plus, because sometimes story poems can get boring when you know what's happening already.
So, points for that.

Also, this was my favorite bit:

"It's 3am when you called
Even if it's eleven for you.
You ask "who are you with?"
And I hung up the phone. "

Something about this I really like. Maybe it's because it portrays the struggles of their relationship together, the mistrust, the disrespect between them. Also, Cade is a good name. Could you possibly work in the name of the girl? That would be cool.

So again, great job.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

Hey Linds! This poem wasn't....really...a poem. I'm not sure what it would be...I loved it though; it had great emotion. Even though it never happened to you, it had the emotion that would make people think that it did. I wish I could say more, but no more needs be said.
Merry Writing!
~Bells~