One Last Dance

Keep smiling, I tell you, my friend,
Keep smiling, I tell you, my love.
Your smile will wear out the sun eventually,
It will bleach the world to purity again,
Until then, even after, keep smiling.

O yes, I know you burnt to death,
But wherever you are, be happy,
It’s the least we can do anyway,
I remember that day nevertheless,
You didn’t have to be told to smile.

The birds were singing, yes?
The only clouds in the sky,
Were floating lazily, wistfully,
I wondered if you could be all mine,
Can one such as you be pronounced as mine forever?

Wedding bells were rung, without thought,
Maybe it had been against the gods,
That we were united in holy matrimony?
The answer came that night itself,
When the city's people came to dance.

I wonder whether you noticed.
You seemed silent throughout,
Most unlike you, but maybe I was wrong,
All I remembered was your smile,
Your voice surpassing the faceless birds.

But the gods were angry, envious maybe,
In their haste to hurt me, to prick my ego,
They set our halls ablaze, my Queen,
And forced us from our thrones,
All our courtiers ran, unheedful of the royalty.


Did you see it coming?
It must be, yes indeed,
Why else were you smiling,
And why else did you melt your crown for me,
And melt my heart for yourself?

I saw your madness twinkle in your eyes,
Or was it my insanity, reflected in those deep pools?
Was there a reason why the fire surrounded us,
Why your crown melted into the shape of a heart,
Why your voice called me to dance to the tune of the fires?

The dance floor was on fire, literally,
The gods’ flames and our passion,
The love of death and the love of loving,
Engulfed us in a myriad of temperature,
Cold with separation, afire with unbroken love.

Keep dancing, you said to me,
Keep smiling, I said to you,
Even as you burnt in my arms,
Even as your fingers turned to ashes around mine,
Even as your ring melted like a river down my arm.

One last dance you danced, Queen of Hearts,
Even your ashes danced in my breath,
You danced like a demon from my dreams,
Like an angel from my nightmares,
Your fire was your last gasp, Queen of Smiles.

And yet again the gods’ wrath touched me,
You were gone, as if you had never been,
But I was their victim, I was alive,
When the Queen dies, what happens to the King?
When you die, what will the birds sing?

One last dance you danced,
And left me with a heart-shaped crown,
With a scepter for myself alone,
With an empty throne beside me,
And with a charred wedding coat for remembrance.

Your last joke, O my Queen?
Go on, laugh, it will save the world one day,
But wait, listen, Temptress of Fate,
I’ll ask you one last time, Queen of Smiles,
Will you keep smiling, and remember that one last dance?

Hey there! I think my first comment needs to be on the length of this poem. Now, there's nothing wrong with a long poem, in fact, one of my favourites is more than thrice the length of this but you have quite a lot of repetition that could be cut out so that it has the same impact but less length. Like, you use the themes of dance and smiling too often.

Also, the rhythm needs some work. You should try to give this a smoother, faster beat to reflect the dance and perhaps you could even have the pace grow faster and faster towards the end? One way to do this is to just generally work on the syllables you have in each line and the size of your words but punctuation also plays an essential role. You end almost every line with a comma, a full stop or a question mark. If you want this to flow better, you need to use some enjambment. Trust me, it will sound better if you cut out some of those commas.

Then there's your imagery. You have some beautiful descriptions, especially where the fire is involved but it could be stronger. Try to use more metaphors and a wide variety of words. For example, replace 'dance' and 'smile' a few times and maybe tie the two images and that of the fire together. You could mention how the flames seem to dance along with them, twirling and flowing to their music and how her smile melts across her face as she burns. You could have some really vivid imagery there.

Also, a few small points -

When the citie's people came to dance.

Your voice surpassing the face less [Should be faceless.] birds.

Overall, I liked this but I think it could be improved. If you work on the rhythm and imagery a little, it has the potential to be amazing. Good luck with any changes and if you need help with anything, just let me know.

Heather xx

Once in a while, on this website, a lucky critter comes across a poem that stands out above the terrible, the pretty good and even the very good. Palantalid, this poem was incredible. I loved it. Sure, there are ways for it to be improved, and most of them have already been said in the above critique, but truly, this is wonderful.

Spelling, some grammar, poem length, rhythm, repetition, etc. are all things that could be improved upon, but I applaud you. Bravo and encore.

Aussie

Kitty15 thanks for the critique. it really helpful. the part about pace increasing, i think that was the most useful. i'll use it for sure though i'm not sure whether this one will be able to handle the revamp. i had actually got the idea when i was about to fall asleep and it was actually a song in a way hence the repititions. your critique is gratefully taken nevertheless.
carelessaussie that felt good, homuchever they deny it i'm sure most authors like the occasinal appreciation. and if you think you like my poem you can see my portfolio- it has only poems for now. thanks to both of you

I liked this, I actually loved it somewhat; right from the start!

Your imagery and language throughout was exsquisite [I cannot spell ] and you placed so much emotion into those few words - well, not so few it seems - that I was gripped and hungrily read it all.

Your flow is a little off in some places and I think in others you have used too many commas, but other than that I can't really find anything wrong with it.

The poem actually reminded me of Macbeth and his wife. Was this intentional?

Good work,
GingerLove.

I really loved this. Its so original. I don't think I ever came across a dramatic poem like this on YWS. This was perfect in ever sense of the word.
My favorite stanza is this:

One last dance you danced, Queen of Hearts,
Even your ashes danced in my breath,
You danced like a demon from my dreams,
Like an angel from my nightmares,
Your fire was your last gasp, Queen of Smiles.

The bold parts I really adore because It's so beautiful and so unique. It fits the poem so well. I truly loved this.
Keep up the good work!!!

I really liked this poem! It was just amazing! Don't stop! 0(o.o)0

I really enjoyed it, you definately have, shall we say, a poetic flair.

But it was a bit long for what it was saying- you could condense it a bit more, I suppose. And work on the metaphors and similies for the imagery; that would improve it looooaaaddds. But overall, I applaud you- you've written something I couldn't even attempt!