An all around interesting view of beaches

If life were a beach
With swaying palm trees
And salty air,
What would the problems be?
Would there be any there?
Would the waves crash upon the beach goers,
Crushing their bones with the tide?
Would sand come up and eat the children,
And take away their tiny lives?
Would the glorious Sun rebel as well,
Casting an inferno from which none could hide?
Maybe that's why life isn't a beach,
For even they have a very dark side.

I'm sure glad I don't live there.

Hi there, this appears to be your first post? Well, welcome to the site! Could you please critique a few pieces of work before you post your next piece? We generally like people to critique two for every one they post so that everyone gets some helpful comments on their work. Speaking of helpful comments, here's mine...

I think this is a really cute little poem! It does a lot of telling which isn't always great but the rhyme is quite effective and there's a nice touch of humour. I don't think the last line is necessary and if you want to keep it, you should probably not have the space between that and the rest of the poem because it's not strong enough to stand on it's own.

Some of your imagery is a little weak and unoriginal so you might want to work on that but I like the idea of the sun rebelling and you have a really good theme here.

Maybe you could start the poem by stating the other side of the argument? Only it's a little short and it would be more effective to compare life to a pleasant, happy beach first before you show the other side. Also, I can't fault you on your grammar and in general, I thought this was really nice but with some work on the imagery, it could be even better.

Good. Short, but good. For me, the thing that wrecked the poem was the last line. It was casual, like tripping over your shoes as you leave the stage. It was unnecessary.

And also, welcome to the site!

Aussie

Thanks for the critiques! How does this version sound?

Every year, thousands of tourists
Flock to ocean
With pockets full of money
To bathe in gold.
The luxurious hours
Are wasted away
In "paradise,"
At least, that's what they say
The beach is.
Now, what if paradise
Was all of life,
And required no vacation or travel?
If life were a beach
With swaying palm trees
And salty air,
What would the problems be?
Would there be any there?
Would the waves crash upon the beach goers,
Crushing their bones with the tide?
Would sand come up and eat the children,
And take away their tiny lives?
Would the glorious Sun rebel as well,
Casting an inferno from which none could hide?
Maybe that's why life isn't a beach,
For even they have a very dark side.


Ah...now that I read over it again, the beginning's still off. Any suggestions?

I can't tell you how to make it better, but I liked the first one best.

Crushing their bones with the tide?
Would sand come up and eat the children,
And take away their tiny lives?

I don't like this bit. It's forced.