My Soul Says

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Well this is the no rhymes poem I've been threatening to post. I liked the topic but I think the sentence structures need your help, dear reader.
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My soul talks to me sometimes,
Tells me its rhymes and its dreams,
Tells me how much it regrets this,
This thing that we have become.

So unholy is this harmony,
That has come to be this way,
So long is the history,
That has bought my spirit to me.

When I asked proof of its existence,
It laughed at me and said,
“I am always within you, boy,
I am forever without.”

When I asked for a reason,
It moaned aloud and said,
“If I knew I would tell you,
If I knew I would be gone.”

My soul is satirical,
It says that death is fun,
It says that every time it departs,
Its joy knows no bounds.

Sometimes it sits and ponders,
Why it is bound to a material state,
Why it must suffer the consequences,
Sometimes, it feels my pity for it.

It tells me we would be good friends,
If it could just be outside me,
But the irony is that I am it, it is me,
It likes ironies nevertheless.




My soul says that it has been many places,
And it only wishes I was there too,
My soul says it has met many people,
It only wishes I could meet them too.

It smiled on my first meeting with Love,
And it laughed when I met Victory,
It says it finds those traitors amusing,
It says that it is the flaw of the mind.

It told me that the mind is our link,
It says that I am a modified branch,
That it had worked long and hard,
To evolve and create my kind.

Sometimes we take long walks,
We talk in the philosophy breeze,
But it is a busy fellow, no doubt,
It tells me it doesn’t mind my company.

When I showed it this poem,
It said I was a fool,
It’s a nice fellow, my soul,
Only wish it existed.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 188
Ooh, this is good i like it.

I'm not going to like comment on anything too technical as i'd probably be wrong about it. Sorry i'm not much help. XD

Just thought i'd tell you i like it and it is great...

Anyways, i'd pick out a bit i liked best but, i like it all equally!

Good job.

:)


x
So's your face




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 461
I loved this, the flow worked well throughout the piece - which is always nice to see - especially when it is so beautifully entwined with descriptive imagery which makes it a lot easier to be able to picture in my minds eye.

I thought the structure was good; mainlybecause it was set in traditional stanzas/verses and such and this always pleases me 'cause it then tends to not confuse me. You understand?

I liked how it tells the life story of the author and one minute, you think it's a happy poem but the next you're sat thinking; oh no, that's not nice.

I might not help much, but I think you should review your punctuation and the use of it throughout the piece, because you seem to stay restricted to that one comma and full stop. This is all well - because you've used them in the right places - but it gets a little boring as there are not dramatic stops or pauses to create any climax in the piece.
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You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer