Autumn

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 44
Autumn

Sweet summer’s breath fades,
Green life pierced through with autumn’s blade;
Time has weakened season-old leaves,
And the wind with careless ease,
Plucks them from the yellowed trees.

But beneath gold sun-strand curls I find
The memory of blue August sky.
And on my lips
Soft and blushing fingertips.

In touching you I try
To hold the brightest star,
To contain its flame and fire
As it burns my hands—
But your soul is too precious
To give it back to you.

Caresses and kisses,
Nurture buried wishes;
A shaft of happiness
Scatters autumn mists.

A promise of beginning
As warmth and freedom ends;
A lifting of my heart
As the last leaf falls.

--------------------------------

My first poem in a while. And I used punctuation! :D ----but did it work, i wonder....
Last edited by Twinflower on Wed Oct 17, 2007 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
~*~Twinflower~*~




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 17
I like it, it doesn't have a set rhythm, but thats ok. Although the definition of poem says it has to follow a set rhythm, I like poems that don't really match (if you know what I mean). :D
One day I'll rule Candyland with an iron fist




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 461
Wonderful.

Although, like my autumn poem, it;s a bit littered with cliches and such; but it's still good. The flow was okay although I agree with KittyCat when she says there wasn't really a set rhythm. This bothered me a little more than it did her though as I find it difficult to read a piece of poetry that has no rhythm to it. With this, it makes the poem feel like a poem and not just a piece of writing.
Worship the ginger monkey :) aaand join my new group!

Oh, and enter my new contest!




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3437
Reviews 181
Lovely!

I liked how much description you used, but the rhythm was all over the place. It's fine the way it is, but it would feel more connected if the rhythm was more constant. The first five lines were my favorite...the rhyme was fantastic! If the rest of the poem followed that meter and rhyme, it would be absolutely blow-your-socks-off astounding (in my opinion), but it's already really good.

Once again, lovely!
My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 820
Oh shiny. This is a very pretty poem to read. I love the images coming to mind of autumn and particularly love the second stanza.
.: ₪ :.

'...'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 142
:D Loved it. Great imagery. I particularly liked the second stanza.
Write on.
--Quippie
I think you're crazy, maybe.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 5715
Reviews 206
I kinda agree with GingerLizzy...littered with cliches & that...but it's a beautiful poem, you've got some good visualization there. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 11
The only criticism I would give is a 'shaft of happiness' because to me the poem seems very happyhappyyay and shaft is small [i think!]. But I actually really enjoyed it, and the word choice was greattt :]
If I do or say something wrong, let me know! I'm still trying to get used to this. :]



"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns