Paranoia

Say 'Hi' to mama
Welcome, the first day of my life
Will it be ephemeral
or ill-fated life?

Hey there, papa
Speak of the devil send me here
Tears and plea from the angel
Make us live together

Is it hoax you tell me?
Is it peril surrounds me?
Why do they mock in my fonr
while mourning on my back?

Hey, now I'm a teenage girl
angel by my side,
the devil left behind

Thank to you papa mama
Your paranoia keeps me paralyzed
Locked in a room with no style
Bye-bye my teenage life
Welcome to an end of my life

It would be better if you could say what the assignment is, but this seems like a rant more than a poem. Are you really trying to make us feel something, or are you just yelling at your parents where they can't hear you?

Weird. Bizarre, actually.

The thing here that really made me say WOW! is your word choice. It was precise, and yet very interesting and full of flow and imagery.

Other than that, I didn't really feel this piece. I didn't understand it, is just that. I was reading it, and in the middle I was just thinking "What the hell is she talking about?" Are your parents so paranoid that they keep you locked in the room? Is it that they are...Okay, I ran out of ideas. But really, rather than just list out all the ways and things that they make you feel, list out (show us, rather) all the things they do to make you feel that way.

"Speak of the devil send me here" ???? Fragment. The whole second stanza was actually a fragment. ...

"fonr"? Umm... what does that mean?

All the other mistakes you have there are simply...nonesense. Explain to me what this means, please.

Sorry if this seemed rather harsh...the poem SOUNDED sophisticated, but nothing really came out...

I really didn't feel this poem either...sometimes I felt that you were trying to rhyme, and other times it sounded like you were ranting. I would suggest finding other words for "life," because you used it a bit too much.

It does sound like it's coming from a sophisticated standpoint, but it's slightly muffled by anger, or maybe that's just how I'm reading it.

I like the word choice of "paranoia;" it's very classy.

Well, this is going to be a step by step review as I type while I'm reading, it works a lot better and people tend to understand it more. Hehe.

You don't need to capitaliza the "Hi" in the first line, I don't think; but I could be wrong. I sometimes struggle with my whole gramatical corrections and such, so don;t go solely by me on this and seek extra advice.

I liked the first verse, it has a good flow and structure but I must say that it isn't the most gripping piece of writing and so therefore it may not hook people into reading the rest of the poem. What I;d say is to ditch the first line and change it, I'm not sure what to, but just change it. Also, the second line would better off to be;

"Welcome, to the first day of life!"

See how I have cut out the word "my" because when this is done, it tends to make the poem seem a little child like and - yes I know it is a child - but doesn't give off a very professional feel. Also, by adding an exclamation mark, it adds to the emotion; because it is the first day of their entire life! It's something to shout about.

"Speak of the devil send me here"

This line in your second stanza confused me a lot and I wonder what you are talking about or what point you are trying to put across. I didn;t really feel all the much towards this stanza and as I read on I have to say I didn't much like the rest; spotting slight mistakes and corrections to do with the word use and over-usage.

Not bad for an early post, but I believe that it could be better. You have a nice idea, it just needs sprucing up.