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Whisky on a Sunday: Year 1

Teague · 2007-09-29T03:06:45Z

This is just an experimental thing I'm working on- testing out that whole "plan a novel first" theory. I've got this beginning, an ending, and random pieces of the meat written already, plus an outline, research notes, and character files. All sorts of fun stuff I'm trying out for the first time (except for the research bit). So far it's actually working for me. Prologue “Is it on?” “Yes, Eric, it’s on. We’re recording.” I shift in the stiff maroon armchair, trying to get more comfortable. Crossing and uncrossing my legs, I fold my arms tight across my chest to retain whatever body heat I can. “Are you cold, Eric?” Reading my mind as always, I nod. “I can turn the air up if you like.” “It’s not a bother.” “It’s not a problem. I want you to be comfortable.” “Go on then.” A rustle of movement, the sound of the aircon turning off. White noise fading to memory. I can’t remember your name, I realise suddenly. Someone said it to me as I came down here to talk with you, but I don’t remember. Dr. Whitman? Whiteman? Yellowman? “Well, Eric?” The words, spoken in your deep and booming voice, rip me from my thoughts, bringing me back down to reality with a bang. “Well what?” “I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped. Do you want help?” I think for a moment. This question has come up a lot the past twenty-eight days. Seems like everyone is doubtful of my commitment to this. “Yes. Yes I want help.” “Then talk.” “About what?” “Whatever you like,” you say, transferring your notepad to the other knee as you switch crossed legs. Your glasses fall a bit down your nose and you push them back up, studying me with those sharp eyes that seem to go beyond the powers of normal human vision. A few more seconds of silence pass, the wall clock ticking to its own beat. I stare at the plain beige carpet until it crawls. “Eric, we don’t have all day,” you say, a touch of fatherly impatience in your voice. “Sorry. I just don’t know what to talk about. Or even if I’m ready to talk.” “Why don’t you start with something simple?” “Sorry?” “Something simple. A memory of your favourite pet. Or an amusing anecdote from school. Or whatever happens to be going through your mind this very second. It doesn’t have to be coherent.” I ponder this concept for a moment. Something simple- of course I’m overcomplicating things again. “Maybe… how it started?” I suggest, raising my head to meet your gaze. “Starting from the starting point… fine logic, Eric,” you say, your bushy grey eyebrows rising expectantly. I shift in my chair again. Why do all therapists insist on sitting their patients in uncomfortable seats while they bask in the wonders of squashy leather? “You’ve gone quiet again.” “Sorry. Another place where I don’t know how to begin. We’re hitting a lot of bad beginnings, aren’t we?” You chuckle, a sound which somewhat surprises me. “Indeed we are, Eric. Here, I’ve got a simple solution: what did they make you say when you first got here?” I meet your eyes again, my own widening, wondering what tangent you’re going off on. “Sometimes it helps to repeat it. And then you can just jump into your story. Trust me, it’s a lot more effective than you think.” I nod and look down at the floor again, eyeing my beaten-up black boots. Remembering constant reprimands about making eye contact, I look up. “My name is Eric MacAllister, and I am an alcoholic.” ------ Sidenote: Only the scenes between Eric and his therapist will be in second person. There's three of them. Everything else will be first person.

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Mon Mar 24, 2008 6:25 pm

KJ says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 6:25 pm

This was pretty good. The only thing that really bothered me was how you used things like, "you said" in reference to the other person. That got a little confusing, and I felt like it took from the piece. Try using "he" instead of "you".

Otherwise, it was a good beginning. I'm looking forward to reading Part 2.

RowanHowler

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Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:21 am

RowanHowler says... · Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:21 am

Hello,

Your beginning caught my attention because the main character, in present tense is very direct. However, I think you will need to be very original and make your character a little more dramatized and unique to stand out from other alcoholic stories.

“Are you cold, Eric?” Reading my mind as always, I nod. “I can turn the air up if you like.”- I would think if it was cold he would turn the air down.

This may just be a personal preference, but I find it exhausting to read entire novels in the present tense. Most novels I've read are in pat, but maybe you're going for that and perhaps it will come together more as the story goes on. I'll wait and see.

Too me this felt like a long scene to say a very short statement. I would concentrate a little less on facial expressions and more on only the very most important dialogue. The chair descriptions were good and you had some excellent imagery, but it could be a little more vibrant.

Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Keane

Teague

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Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:52 am

Teague says... · Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:52 am

**LOCKED**

At least, temporarily.

-:pirate3:

"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel

Whisky on a Sunday: Year 1

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