When it Happens

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If you don't like this I understand here it goes:

When it Happens
It only takes one thing.

One thing to make happy.
One thing to make me sad.

One thing to make me love life.
One thing to not see the point of life.

One thing to do better.
One thing to not see any better.

One thing to improve my life
ONE thing to see nothing special.

One thing to reach for my dreams.
One thing to end my dreams and the space I take up.
Last edited by SASSYLADY333 on Sat Sep 29, 2007 2:41 am, edited 2 times in total.




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No caps.
No rhythm I can notice.
And this definitely looks like an email forward.
All that's missing is the "Pass this to 30 of your friends or else a man with an axe will stand over your bed at 12 am in the morning tonight."




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Well it's how I feel. I guess if you've never been a depressant or even thought about killing yourself what would this matter to you? This is me sharing to anyone who reads this how I feel. And if you can not see how I feel don't insult me. Cause I am a sensitive person which I thought was obvious through my poem...Maybe its not even a poem. It's just my feelings typed out.




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It was all right.
There is no rythym in this poem.

When it Happens
It only takes one thing.

One thing to make happy.
One thing to make me sad.

One thing to make me love life.
One thing to not see the point of life.

One thing to do better.
One thing to not see any better.

One thing to improve my life
ONE thing to see nothing special.

One thing to reach for my dreams.
One thing to end my dreams and the space I take up.


I think this poem could use a little more work.
Try to make it flow.
Look at my big shiny shell...




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Hmm...I think you right. Thanks for the review :).
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)




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Edit: Sorry, that came off unintentionally and uncharacteristically cold and hostile. What I meant was that I agree with Flemzo, and I think that more thought could have gone towards the making of this poem. It felt like the first five stanzas were just filler before the depressing ending. Every line in a poem should have meaning and purpose. A poem should make us think about life or death or evoke emotion or something new. It shouldn't just try to make us pity the writer, unless there is some special reason why we should pity you. If there is one, then that would be a poem I would like to read.
Last edited by Rigel on Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Oh, okay now that actually does make sense. And I do agree with you, thanks for the review :).



That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee