Do you see what I see?

I haven't been on for a while so tell me if it is bad
----------------------------
See me real
Or see me true
See me old
Or see me new
See a faith so dear to me
See naive insecurity
See gentle wonder so sublime
See the wisdom gained through time
See the peaceful gentle heart
See the warrior that earned a start
See the lover of little ones
See the playful joyous fun
See the serious terse and good
See all the things I wish I would
But if you see what I cannot
Spare my suffering from a hurtful lot

Pretty good. It kind of falls into that "pity me" category a little bit, especially toward the end, but over all it's pretty good.

Lucky_Duck wrote:See me real
Or see me true
See me old
Or see me new

I think if you combine these lines into two lines, it would flow better with the rest of it. Right now, you have an "A-B-C-B-D-D-E-E.... etc" rhyme scheme. By combining these lines into two lines, you'd have more of an "A-A-B-B-C-C... etc" rhyme scheme (which is much cleaner).

See the peaceful gentle heart
See the warrior that earned a start

A start? A start at what? Rewording this probably would be good.

But if you see what I cannot
Spare my suffering from a hurtful lot

The last line doesn't seem to have the same pulse as the rest of the lines. A little tweaking should do the trick.

Overall, this poem definitely needs some punctuation. Poems should read the same as prose, which is to say that if you change the stanzas to paragraphs, it should read just as easily.

Other than these quick points, great job. Can't wait to see more from you.

I thought it was really good. But the very last line i found confusing."Spare my feelings from a hurtful lot" I think after a bit more editing it would be perfect! .

I liked this poem and enjoyed the rhythm thoroughly.

However, one VITAL thing you have completely missed out is Punctuation: there isn't even a fullstop at the end. YOu definitely need to punctuate your work.

YOu might consider breaking this poem into stanzas, especially becouse the first four lines have a rhyming pattern abcb but the rest of it goes aa/bb/cc... so maybe stanzas could help. Or better still, rephame the first four lines and rhyme them in the aa/bb/cc pattern.

Besides that, I think there should be a 'the' in the line:
See the lover of the little ones
...and 'lover of little ones' who is that?
did you mean to say 'love of the little ones?

I didn't get the meaning of the concluding lines, I think you need to work on em and make your message more clear.

But, I liked this poem as a whole. It has originality.

I really like this one. The rhythm is nice. and it has a new spin on things. I love the first four lines.

I liked this, it flowed really well and it was structured fabulously, with a good rhythm. Although, when I got about three quarters of the way through the poem, I got bored and though that the repetition was becoming awfully tedious and just cauing the poem to see like a drag. Maybe this is just personal preference - if so - sorry.

Although, I loved the concept and you pretty much wrote it well, apart from the repetition.

okay here goes, I liked this allot. I felt allot of feeling in this. So thumbs up for that.

1. This:
See the serious terse and good
Terse? teers maybe? I don't know. Get back to me on that one.

2. I really loved the ryming in this. I liked allot of it. I think somewhere in toward the end was kinda choppy. I think maybe rereading it and working on it more would do the trick.

3. Have you thought about maybe getting some of your poetry togetherand publishing it? Think about it.

-- M.B.Author