Caveman

[s]Bearskin wrapping belly
caveman rises from fire
dunking a stick into
and taking it away from
he stands erect like metal
black beard blossoms cheek

and arches it all the way
to the next cavity in rock
the spear slogs straight into
a woman’s chest, inert instantly
caveman frowns and turns
dashing amuck, a fool who’d just launched

the end of the world.[/s]

Bearskin wrapping belly,
the caveman rises from fire
dunking a stick into (it)
and taking it away from (it),
as he stands erect like metal
black beard blossoms cheek.

and arches it all the way
to the next cavity in rock--
the spear slogs straight into
a woman’s chest, inert instantly--
caveman frowns and turns
dashing amuck, a fool who’d just launched

the end of the world.

gadi wrote:Bearskin wrapping belly
caveman rises from fire
dunking a stick into
and taking it away from
he stands erect like metal
black beard blossoms cheek

and arches it all the way
to the next cavity in rock
the spear slogs straight into
a woman’s chest, inert instantly
caveman frowns and turns
dashing amuck, a fool who’d just launched

the end of the world.

This looks like quite a difficult one for me to critique, but I'll give it a go. =)

Firstly, I'd say you need to think about punctuation. There are a few commas here and there, but it'd really look better with capitalisation at least. I was going to suggest more full-stops and things too, only at closer inspection, it seems there's only one sentence here...

I really like your vocabulary choices. They're much more interesting than the words which I would normally choose myself. For example, I really like the line:
"stands erect like metal
black beard blossoms cheek"
though I do think you need at least a comma here.

It's a difficult poem for me though, as I feel like many of the lines don't make much sense. It seems quite artistic... yet confusing to understand what's going on, as well as any deeper meanings.

For example:

"Bearskin wrapping belly
caveman"

I don't really understand the description here. Do you mean he's a caveman who is wrapping bearskin around his own stomach, or that of the bear? I'm not sure.

"dunking a stick into
and taking it away from"

What is he dunking the stick into, and where is he taking it away from? Again, I'm finding it hard to tell. My first instinct was to do with cave paintings, but really that's just from what I already know about cavemen.

"and arches it all the way
to the next cavity in rock"

Is this the stick again? Confusing, as there's a description of him inbetween, and no proper punctuation to help me work out the sentence.

"the spear slogs straight into
a woman’s chest, inert instantly"

An actual spear, behind him? The stick he was holding? Or is this what's happening on a cave painting? And is he inert, or the woman? If it's him, is it because he can't help the woman?

"caveman frowns and turns
dashing amuck, a fool who’d just launched

the end of the world."

Not really sure what's going on here at all... Right, so "dashing amuck" means that he's running at someone in a frenzy, yes? So it was someone behind him? But has that got anything to do with the stick before? =S I guess it could have been another word for a spear.

The last part is the most confusing to me though, as why is this the end of the world? Or is it all just in the man's head?


Hm. Perhaps it's just that this poem needs to be thought about a lot in order to understand it, as I feel I understand it much better than I did when I first read through it. I think it'd sound good read aloud, and as I said before, the vocabulary is great. I'd like some answers as to meanings though. =)

Keep at it! I'll keep an eye out for anything else I see with your name.

Kay.


PS. Any questions about my critique, feel free to ask, PM etc.

What I'm guessing on the "end of the world" point at the end is that you're trying to express that killing is evil, that war and violence will be the end of the world. I think it's a very interesting point.

Unfortunately, the rest of the poem didn't do as much. I found the image of the caveman kind of cliche; wrapped in skins, has fire, spear, blah blah blah. Tell me something I don't know.

It seemed very rushed; I think you were trying to achieve a certain effect with this run-on lack of punctuation rapid-fire sentence, but it's not there yet. You might be better off rewriting it more traditionally, using proper grammar and punctuation for the most part. That may make it easier for you to work with the rest of the poem, and then you can play around with the structure.

Keep working on it!
-Colleen

Thank you very much for your critiques! I tried to change it according to your suggestions, except the one where you both thought it would be better to make it traditional. I don't know if it's easier to understand now, I hope it is, but if you want to know what the heck it's about and you really really really don't understand it, just look at the spoiler below. (I suggest you take time to think about, but it's probably what every developing poet wants you to do.)

[spoiler]A caveman murders a woman by mistake with a burning spear, and then runs away-- the cause of violence and death--which is the end of the world for us humans.[/spoiler]

I don't now about this poem Gadi.. I just really dont.

I wasn't sure about the whole flow of the poem and the way you've displayed the first opening line, is it supposed to be one whole word, or have you just typoed and missed out thespaces. If it's not a typo may I just ask; why? I don't understand this and it truly annoys me because it is utterly pointless and tends to confuse the rest of the poem.

I wasn't sure about the word 'dunking' as it's pretty childish in a way and it sort of messes up that stanza; making it seem out of place to the rest. Maybe you should try dipping or submerging, although these words would also play around with the flow of it even more; so on a whole, it doesn't work full stop.

But, I kinda like the concept of it, it;s pretty original and I havent ever read one before like this; which is always nice to see. Hope this helps.